The World Through Brown Eyes

9 to 5

2011-08-22T20:52:00.000-07:00

I was recently asked by a friend if I feel that as a woman I have to approach work differently then a male counterpart. My answer? A resounding YES. This male friend is under the impression that women do not have it as bad as they claim. He really truly believes that women have every opportunity that men do and the whole "Women's Movement" has seen its day in the sun.

I can not disagree more. I work in a very male dominated industry. I came to the realization about five years ago that no matter what I do I will not see the same recognition and compensation that a male would. I have experienced countless situations where a male receives more favorable treatment. In fact, my current manager has less seniority, less experience, and less education then me. What does he have that I don't? the infamous twig and berries.

So why do I stay? Well there are a number of reasons mainly that I actually do love my job. I hate that I feel that I have to put in ten more hours then a male does, but I still love it. I guess part of me still is that little girl looking for approval. I want someone to notice that I work my ass off, every single day. I want someone to see that I am making sacrifices to make sure that my job is not just done, but done exceptionally well.

Will it pay off? Maybe. Maybe not.

I see this trend in my organization. The women tend to work harder with the hope of gaining that elusive recognition. Is this fair? Is this right? No. And maybe we are to blame. Maybe our overwhelming desire to "prove" ourselves is being taken the wrong way. Maybe our VP sees this as compensating. We can't do the work in the normal eight hours so we have to stay later, get in earlier.

Who knows. But someday, someday I will rule the world.

5's Portland Style

2011-06-15T09:31:00.000-07:00

Last month I was in Maine (again... I know, I know. Move there already). We decided to mix it up and tried a new restaurant, Yumness Times 555. Let me tell you all Five Fifty-Five... best place I have ever ate.

For the first course we had the Bangs Island Muscles. I need to provide a little history here. About a year ago I tried muscles for the first time (in Maine of course). I've always avoided them because, well they look like an organ, or something else that looks highly unappetizing. I found that they weren't too bad, if the sauce was buttery/garlicky enough and I covered them in salt. The Bangs Island Muscles... TO DIE FOR. Rather than your normal garlic butter sauce the Chef at Five Fifty-Five adds pickled cherry peppers. I can not even begin to explain the pleasure explosion these little darlings caused in my mouth. They were that good. I don't even think I had to cover them in salt. They also were prepared perfectly. No rubbery "I can't chew this" texture.

My client manager had told me before going that they were known for their Grilled Caesar salad. I think my exact words were, "They grill the lettuce? GWOSS". Since I was feeling spunky I decided to try it. Gwoss? No, more appropriately I would call it heaven in my mouth. The lettuce is grilled briefly and wow, the flavor that these few short minutes add is unreal to me. It was all the beautiful taste of grilling in a salad. The dressing was light with just the right amount of garlic.

For the dinner course I decided to again take the advise of others. I tried the Truffled Lobster Mac and Cheese. My hubby is possibly cringing right now. He does not believe that seafood and cheese go together. The dish was delicious but I found it a little on the rich side. I would easily recommend this but likely won't have it again.

For dessert I recommend the 555 Smores. They had me at "Coffee Infused Marshmallows". It was just the right amount of sweet and I could have ate five or six portions and not gone home and cried. I would have floated off in Ecstasy.

We all shared a bottle (okay, okay, three bottles) of 2009 Frogs Leap, Sauvigon Blanc. I have recently (thanks to A.Miller) found a new appreciation for white wines. I use to swear I hated them. Now I tend to order a white over a red.

I had the standards, but I believe the menu changes daily. I can not recommend this place enough. The food and service was the best I have had in Portland and I believe this will be my new go-to place for dinner.

Hurdle

2011-06-13T15:09:00.000-07:00

I was doing really good with the not smoking. I mean honestly it SUCKED. The first night I went on a mad dash through the house looking, because I was certain, somewhere was hidden, a cig. I even went so far as to check the hubby's car. I was slightly crazy. Luckily at that moment my quit coached called me. She talked me down from jumping.

Fast forward to Friday. I get into work and realize DOH, I forgot my patch. And I do good. Until 10 am. And then I CAN NOT HANDLE it anymore. So I caved. And pretty much failed this entire weekend.

I hated myself for doing it... but... well yeah.

So started fresh today and surprisingly I haven't had that urge. It's been since about midnight last night and the patch seems to be doing it's intended job.

Work tends to be easier because there are so many tasks that keep me from thinking about it. I am hopeful that some yoga tonight will take my mind off of it.

That and the fantastic grilled Caesar salad I plan on making.

Old Habits... MUST DIE

2011-06-08T15:10:00.000-07:00

Today marks Day One. I have been sans a cigarette for about 18 hours. I hate it. Quitting sucks. I will love it after, no doubt. But right now... I want to rip the damn patch off and have a sweet smoke. But I won't. I will do it. This nasty decade old habit will die.

The Very Long and Very Winding Road

2011-04-28T20:38:00.000-07:00

We all make mistakes. Right? No one really disagrees with this. Sometimes, sometimes those mistakes are so significant that your life is impacted every single day.

I made one of these mistakes. Eight years ago I made one of the only decisions that I truly regret. That decision changed the entire direction of my life. It changed who I was, and honestly, who I am. I can never get the things, the "me", back that I lost. I will forever be a different person because of one decision.

I've often tried to tell myself that I am better for what I went through. I am stronger. But am I?

If I really was a better person, if I really was stronger.... why do I suddenly feel afraid? Of course it isn't logical. I don't begin to pretend that it is. It is so very illogical I can't even wrap my head around it.

Regardless, it is not going away. It probably never will. I imagine that there will always be this part of me that remembers what I went through. The pain, the anguish, the loss of myself.

But what is more important is how I let the fear change me now. I am trying, so very very hard, not to allow the fear to rule. But it has. If I were to be honest with myself, since I first heard the possibility... well I have been on edge. I can't sleep at night. I am sometimes afraid just to walk outside of my house. When my phone rings I pray that he is not on the other end.

Maybe it will go away. Maybe I will wake up one morning and I will have suddenly forgotten.

But I doubt it.

And maybe that is best. Maybe I shouldn't forget.

I have changed. And I have accepted that regardless of the reason for that change I am a better person. With out the trials I experienced I wouldn't have found this new person. The one that has taken complete charge. The women that doesn't allow anyone to create limitations for her (although she tends to create them for herself). Stronger, maybe. Better, yes.

My Neverending Story

2011-04-28T07:36:00.000-07:00

Laundry.

I don't believe I will ever win the epic battle I continually wage against my dirty clothes.

Maybe it is time to give up!

But giving up doesn't fix the problem! I can't wait until am done with school (again) so I can actually do something other than work, school, occassional social activity, and sleep.

In other news, driving to work today I noticed a foodtruck from San Diego. With a camera next to the driver. FOOD TRUCK NATION! IN SLC! Mega geeked-out. Sadly they are filming this weekend. When I am in Nebraska. Far away from their delicious fare.

Sigh.

Yoga, Pilates and Cardio... OH MY!

2011-01-06T00:22:00.000-08:00

First of all I can't believe my MacBook is telling me that I spelled both Pilates and Cardio incorrectly.... Maybe it is because I capitalized them? Weird.

Anywho (How was that for a tangent???)!

I am sure I have typed a similar blog in the past... but I am far too lazy at this time at night to actually find said blog and link it....

When I was in elementary school my nickname was Skinny Minney. I HATED it. Actually, hated seems too benign a word. I DETESTED it. It was bad enough that I was horribly tall (tallest girl in our school until about 5th grade... taller than 95% of the boys) and that I refused to wear skirts.... and my friends were all boys.... and I was always picked rather early (by said boys) for team sports.... but to have a nickname like that? I was skinny... I can't remember my weight because seriously, what grade school kid weighs themselves, but I was skinny. And I was awkward looking.... I think giraffe may have also been spoken when referencing me.

In middle school, sometime around 6th grade I miraculously developed boobs. It was like music to my tone-deaf ears. But they weren't huge (yet) and I still was awkward looking. I was 5'10" by time I was in 8th grade (maybe earlier), had legs as long as my dad (who is 6'5"), likely only weighed 125 pounds (soaking wet)... but I had boobs!

In high school after years of sports and finally finishing puberty I lost the awkward look.... well I gained it in my calfs.. I had muscle calfs from years of gymnastics and volleyball.... but I filled out. I think I topped out at 140 pounds. I was not skinny as much as the right shape.

I don't know what happened... I guess life? Birth control? College? One or all of those things. I gained weight... typical freshman 15 (er... 20). In my early twenties I gained and lost and by 23 I was working it in at about 180. This was during the beginning of my horrible marriage time of my life... By time the marriage ended I was over 200 pounds. I can't remember exactly what the weight was but it wasn't good.

After I left the exhus... well the stress and pain I was going through... I coped with eating (and smoking and drinking... but who doesn't cope that way?). I topped out at 260 then got back down to about 240 when I met my current husband. By the way... this hurts... to put my weight down on paper (internet)... I know what my weight is and I KNOW it is far too much.. but putting that number out for the interwebz... well that hurts a tiny tiny bit.

Now... well know I can say I am closer to 300 than 250. I hate getting weighed at the docs. Funny thing is that being as tall as I am... I carry the weight pretty well. I get on that scale and the make the move to 200... then after realizing whoops... they move it to the 250.... it is a stabbing pain through my heart.

I did NOT make a resolution. I don't believe in them. They are silly... they are far to easy to break. I have made a choice to change my life. This is a choice that is long over due. My company is now offering a wellness plan to employees and this is a huge step for me. They did it the smart way and made it competitive... not based on weight loss... but on this (too complicated to explain) point system.

Have you played any game with me? I am C-O-M-P-E-T-I-V-E. I have already devised a secret weapon that my team can use to WIN!

The hardest part will be finding the time to eat healthy and be active on top of crazy work, crazy travel, and crazy school.... Do they still make thighmasters?

Slap my wrist

2010-12-27T14:40:00.000-08:00

I have neglected this far too long. Actually I have neglected many things for far too long. Like a social life. I think I almost remember what having one was like. Oh, the joy of coming home from work and then having nothing pressing to do save for laundry or making dinner.

When I made the decision (with the blessing of the Husband) to get a doctorate... I think my thought process was something along the lines of, "Hey, why the hell not. Can't be much harder than the other two". I was wrong. So very very very wrong. It has very much sucked the life out of me. When I come home from work I do one of two things (besides crying, I almost always cry), I study or I zone out. The Husband and I haven't been to a movie since, wow... I think it was Clash of the Titans. My social life (and his by association) consists of bowling once a week and going to my parents for Sunday dinner.

I am not sure I regret the decision, I still am fascinated with different topics. I tried to explain my love of change management to the Husband and I believe his eyes glazed over. In fact, I am sure it was the same expression he gets from me when he starts talking IT. What I regret is not having a firmed up dissertation topic. I think (feel) I am behind.

I have a new academic rep (again, like for the tenth time) and he informed me that he wants me to have (I think he said his goal is for me to have, I took it as an order...) my prospectus done (rough draft) before my next residency. Prospectus? I don't even have a DAMN topic yet. Before I was feeling fine with my lack of a topic, I was still researching different ideas. Now? Now the lack of topic is like the hugest weight possible on my shoulders (well besides guilt from my mother, that will win, hands down, every time).

Sigh, can someone just give me a topic? I need to quit being so indecisive!

Oh just STOP

2010-11-10T09:27:00.000-08:00

Hold the press, Autism has been cured. Just ask Jenny McCarthy. Phew, I am sure there are thousands of parents that are waiting to hear how you did it.

Sigh. I just read her story on Oprah and can't believe what I am hearing. First problem, her son was having seizures. I can only imagine how scary of a situation that was. He was diagnosed with epilepsy. She wasn't confident in that diagnosis, she has no family history of it, so she wanted a second opinion. Kudos to her. The second opinion was autism. And she RAN with it.

When I say RAN I mean like a stubborn bull running with no rhyme or reason, desperately seeking the red cloak. Ms. McCarthy says there were signs she should have realized earlier, like he had an obsession with moving objects. Um, I am not a parent but EVERY baby I have been around has been obsessed with moving objects.

The boy had multiple seizures, of course there was something wrong, but why did she grasp on to autism? Her claim is that she "cured" him with a new diet. "In two weeks to three weeks—and this isn't for everyone, to get a reaction like this—Evan doubled his language," she says. "[There was] eye contact, smiling, more affection." Ummm... maybe he doubled his language because YOU spent more time with him, working with him, focusing on making him better. Can we say PLACEBO?

I can't remember the last time I was this irritated. It beings with her stating that she has "cured" a disorder that is still not fully understood. Autism has such a wide range of symptoms and different levels of disorder. Maybe her son was mildly autistic, or maybe... just maybe... HE WASN'T AUTISTIC at all.

I am appalled at her claims of curing her son's"autism" but I am HORRIFIED by her claims that it was caused by the MMR vaccine. Jenny Jenny Jenny.... there have been countless studies that have been unable to indentify any link between vaccinations and autism. You can claim that each study wasn't done correctly or WHATEVER, but do you have any study that shows a link? NO. If you even begin to claim that Andrew Wakefield proved anything I suggest you take a step back and do some more research. Wakefield was being payed by a legal team to prove the link between the MMR and Autism. He was found guilty of misconduct by the General Medicine Council.

Autism can be a debilitating disorder and I can not even being to imagine the difficulties of raising an autistic child. Kudos to the parents that have found effective ways to cope and provide their children the best possible life and education they can.

Ms. Mccarthy, please stop. Please stop spouting unfounded accusations. Quit acting like you have "cured" something as problematic as autism. PLEASE STOP. What happened to your previous statement that maybe he didn't have autism? Did you decide book sales aren't going to be so great so you must pretend it didn't happen?

Parents, please vaccinate your children. Speak to your healthcare provider about alternative vaccination schedules if you are concerned.
Shame on anyone that makes a choice not to vaccinate their child based on some former Playboy models completely UNEDUCATED and UNFOUNDED opinion.

Compromise is a four letter word

2010-11-03T07:57:00.000-07:00

Marriage is all about compromise. I understand this and mostly, the husband and I compromise fine. I do the laundry (he helps out with this) and am in charge of dinner. He cleans the horrible cat litter. Very nice trade.

We are currently in the process of painting and decorating the spare bedroom, office, and kitchen. I have these very specific design ideas in my head. I literally have all the color scheme and decor picked out, in my head. My husband has a new nickname, dream-crusher. We have very different design pallets. He has accused me, not in the exact words but the intent was there, of being a gay man. Okay, I will take it! Gay men tend to be very creative when it comes to design.

We have yet to fully agree on anything and instead are compromising all over the damn place. This is great and I know this is how it should work. But can't he just say, "You make all the choices". This would be so much easier for both of us!

(Thanks to the husband and father for hanging the chair-rail. I love it!)

PPT This

2010-07-26T13:39:00.001-07:00

I love to hate Power Point. It is such a fantastic tool but I seem to find myself spending hours, days, months creating new presentations. I am on overload. If I have to create one more presentation, insert one more diagram... I will snap.

Ten years later

2010-07-13T11:38:00.000-07:00

No, this is not a blog dedicated to reminiscing the last decade, well at least not in the way that many may think. It only is a small portion of the last decade that I wish to evaluate.

Honestly, it has been longer than ten years that I have listened to X96. It has been a morning ritual for 10 years. My first year of college the Mexican and I would listen to Radio from Hell each morning as we dealt with traffic. We won contests a few times, most memorably RHCP tickets, which prompted my sister to by a ticket to attend with us, then someone lost our tickets. Wait... I just got off subject.

I have continued to listen to them even though the show has become more angry then funny. Gone are the bits of yesteryear and replaced with political/social rants. Normally I just ignore the arguments because I see some legitimacy. Today... that ends.

This morning one of the daily boners was Rand Paul. Normally, I wouldn't mind. Today... well today I actually agreed.

"The poor in our country are enormously better off than the rest of the world... Doesn't mean we can't do better..."

I end there because I am not turning this into a debate about capitalism vs socialism which is what the second portion of his comment will lead to.

Okay.. so he was nominated as a boner because he essentially said that our poor don't have it so bad. Well guess what, in the grand scheme of things they don't. People in third world countries would LOVE to be American poor. And yes this does not mean we should rest on our laurels. But I am going to take this a step further.

Some of our poor (and this is a generalization, which I admit to, I also KNOW that this doesn't include all poor) are just plain lazy. Yes, the bleeding liberal that everyone thinks I am just said this. Let me explain. I know of one person who is a single mother of three. Her kids don't live with her, they live with her mother because she just is a plain old bad example. She still gets state assistance as if her children did live with her, still gets food stamps, low-cost housing, medicare, etc etc etc. She has not had a job for five years. Why? Well if she gets a job she has to work and doesn't get the free aid. What did she do with her tax returns this year? Did she put them aside to help by clothes for her children? Help supplement some of the costs the government has covered? Nope. She blew it, on a new TV and gaming system for her kids.

I know another single mother who lives with a man, they refuse to get married because she will no longer receive assistance. So she doesn't work, claims all the benefits, and he makes 50K a year.

I know another family that barely can make ends meet every month. When they do have money they blow it on the unimportant things and then can't buy food.

Being poor sucks, and yes, I understand that there are some people that don't ask for this. I also know a single mother of three, she left an abusive husband, hadn't had a job in the ten years they were married. She went out, found a job paying her $10 and hour. She received food stamps she also bought her own home, on her own, with out state aid. Then she received a raise... something like 20 cents more an hour. She lost her food stamps. What does she do? She continues to work hard, trying to make a life for her and her kids.

So guess what... yes being poor is horrible, but it could be worse. You could have to work for $3 a day in a sweatshop in Asia. You could not be able to feed your whole family so you starve to death and leave your children motherless. Yes, being poor sucks in American, but guess what, it is worse elsewhere.

So X96... I am trying to decide if I can continue to listen. I was so sickened by Bills outrage over a statement that is true. What does he want? Redistribution of wealth? Should I, someone with an advance degree, support someone who doesn't have the same skills?

Breaking Bread

2010-07-12T18:29:00.000-07:00

Another simple history lesson....

I am from a middle-class (mostly) Midwestern family. I grew up in a religious household. We weren't fanatical... but religious. I attend church most Sunday's, participated in youth groups, went through the Lutheran Conformation process, and volunteered to teach summer bible school to preschool children. I enjoyed church and learning about the bible..

Until I moved to Utah. Once here I began to distrust organized religion. I didn't lose belief I just evolved in my views. I quit going to church and no longer felt the "flame" burning inside me.

That does not mean I don't believe in God. It doesn't mean that I view all Christianity as a pimple on humans. I just don't care for some of the teaching of organized religion. When I read the bible I interrupt it differently than those that stand at a pulpit.

One thing that I try, very hard, to do is to NOT make others feel stupid for the religious views. I may not agree, but that doesn't mean that I will call you stupid or doubt your intelligence. I except the same of others, and more often than not, I am disappointed. For years it has been an internal battle, religions picking on other religions. In the recent years it has turned more to a battle of the believers vs the non-believers.

This is ridiculous.

What is truly ridiculous is those who claim that christian followers have persecuted them... and then they turn around a religion bash. You can get no where in your cause if you sink to the same levels of others. You want to have an honest and rational debate, sure... perfect. What is not acceptable, no matter what side, is resorting to disrespectful rants or jokes at others whom have different beliefs. If it isn't right for them it isn't right for you.

Happily Ever After

2010-07-08T16:13:00.000-07:00

The date has been set! The fiance is going to make an honest woman out of me. We have invited our family and friends to celebrate with us in Vegas. We've both been there done that and so the idea of a big wedding wasn't something either of us were too keen on. Although I did have a few moments where I thought I might like the big dress again... but I changed my mind, swiftly, when helping my sister plan hers.

The same day I made the reservations for the chapel in Vegas the BFF announced that his GF had said yes. I am so very happy for the both of them. I hope he knows how lucky he is. I adore the BFF, don't get me wrong, but he really lucked out... cause, well he is him. Kidding aside, I am happy for them.

I had some time to think today and I realized that it was four years ago when the BFF entered my life. At the time we were both struggling with the ending of relationships. The cosmos aligned and I, completely by chance and intuition, was introduced to a person whom has strongly impacted my life. We had a conversation sometime between the meeting and a few years ago where we discussed how we were sure that we would never marry again. The bridges that had burned between marriage and us had been very bright. To put it simply, we had lost faith.

I have many stories of our times together, avoiding institutions like marriage. Enough stories that I still contemplate writing a book about our journey, among other things. I truly believe that if it wasn't for him I never would have opened myself up enough to meet the fiance. The BFF gifted me with something I will cherish for the rest of my life, the gift of faith. It is through our meeting, development of our friendship, and these years that I have learned that it isn't marriage that I should be leery of, but people who bring negativity in my life.

I don't really believe in fate, I have a hard time giving up control to anyone, especially a fictitious character that holds my future in her hands. So I won't call it fate, our meeting, but I guess it was divine intervention. I couldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't had him in my life.

So cheers to you, BFF. I am very happy for you two. I knew from the moment I met her that she was special and that this day would soon come, just as you knew, from the moment you met the fiance, that my life would never be the same. So I tip my cup to fate, or whatever we want to call it, for giving us the opportunities that we have today.

Oh, and just cause I am a girl doesn't mean I can't attend a bachelor party. ;)

Introducing Mr and Mrs

2010-06-13T12:46:00.000-07:00

As some may know, I am getting married in a few months. It took awhile for both of us to take this step even though I can say, with certainty, that we are perfectly matched. As we have both been down this road before, you can imagine the trepidation with making this type of commitment. But we are doing it, only for ourselves, not because everyone else wants it.

One of the first conversations we had regarded name changing. I made the decision after my last marriage that I would not do that again. Wrong or right, I believe my identity is somewhat tied to my last name. Plus, the last name rocks. We discussed it and he is okay with that, he understands that I have built recognition with my name, professionally speaking.

I had a conversation with someone this last week about getting married and she asked what my new last name would be. I informed her that I wasn't changing my name. "You are lucky you found someone that will let you keep your name". Let me? Wow. I was unaware that anyone let me do anything. I was under the distinct impression that I am in charge of my life. That isn't to say that I don't value the opinion of those close to me or the support of them. But no one lets me do anything. I was in a marriage was I was allowed to do things and not allowed to do many more. That is a road I will never again travel.

One of the best qualities of the fiance is the fact that he allows me to be me. He understands that I am stubborn, aggressive, and in control of my life. He respects my individuality and doesn't want that to change. He doesn't worry about what he will and will not let me do.

Piece of advice for everyone out there. If you are with someone that lets you do things, you aren't in the right relationship. A relationship isn't about asking permission or waiting for someone to grant you rights. I have never and will never ask for permission to be me.

Shame on you

2010-05-10T13:42:00.000-07:00

We all have been in a place where we have made a bad descision. It is part of human nature, to make mistakes. I feel that everyone deserves a second chance.

But....

There comes a point in time where someone makes a decision so hurtful and with such purpose that it becomes impossible to forgive and you are only left to forget.

But sometimes...

You can't forget. Sometimes they hurtful nature is too much to forgive or forget. And then you are left with finding options to deal.

And that is fine, I can deal with the best of them.

Epistemology

2010-05-02T15:42:00.000-07:00

I consider myself a fairly intelligent person. I have an advance degree and I tend to be a very logical, if not overly, thinker.

In college I struggled with mathematical courses (account, statistics, finance, etc). In my MBA program I didn't have to deal with those courses and found that I excelled. Give me a chance to answer a question with an essay response or give me a 3000 word paper over multiple choice and I will love you forever.

So why is it that for the first time in YEARS I am finding myself questioning my ability to grasp new concepts?

When I stated that I am intelligent I should have also mentioned that I am not the intelligent person that reads something once and remembers all valid points. Instead I have to read and highlight a document, then reread and take notes to fully grasp the concepts. I think recognizing my need to take some extra time adds to my assessment of intelligence.

I am currently taking a class in my doctorate program, Knowledge of Theory and Practice. Sounds simple enough right? What I didn't know was that this class was a disguise for philosophy, possibly the stupidest subject known to man.

In my undergraduate studies at the U I had two take two philosophy based courses. I did this by taking a class on social ethics and world religions. I had NO desire to contemplate if the table was there or if it was not there. How that at all helps our society or expands on knowledge is beyond me.

I believe that those who study philosophy at this general level are really just unable to commit to a god damn thing. I normally avoid knocking any type of study, but I will knock the HELL out of the study of general philosophy. It provides NOTHING to ANYONE.

I want to tear out every last gray hair on my head. And I imagine, as this class continues, that I will grow more gray hairs to pull out. I understand the importance of knowledge and applying theories into practice. This is fundamental process in the doctoral journey. I do not understand how debating the philosophy of knowledge is fundamental to anything. This is the biggest waste of my time and money, and I plan on letting the University know this.

We're not there... Yet

2010-04-30T07:56:00.000-07:00

Earlier this month I spent a week of my life, a very long week that I will never get back, participating in the residency program for my doctorate. It was hell. And when I say hell I mean HELL. I spent five days getting up at 6am, far earlier then my normal routine. Spending over 8 hours in class discussing theory and practice and how critical thinking, reading, and writing impact our lives and learning experiences. If that wasn't enough I usually spent the next five to seven hours in my hotel room reading and writing papers. Then I slept, if I was lucky it was for a full six hours before the entire routine started over again.

It was a great experience, I can say that now that I am almost two weeks past it and back home. I finally think I have some good ideas for my dissertation, which I will refrain from boring you with. I made some great personal and professional contacts and was introduced to this online phenomenon called linked in.

I hadn't given much more thought to my stay there until this last week. The residency was in Phoenix. It was my first time visiting the city, and while it was pretty (in that way that I imagine the gateway to hell is pretty), it wasn't my cup of tea.

This week Arizona decided to pass a new law. The law makers will tell you that their intentions are to fix the valid immigration issues that their state faces. They are now allowed to demand proof of legal resident from anyone. Yes even YOU would have to show proof.

I am disgusted. I am outraged. I am really sickened by this legal racism. I will also tell you I UNDERSTAND, there is a problem with our immigration policy. I do believe that not acting has lead us to this point. I know that illegal residents are a drain on our already thin tax dollars. Believe me, I understand there is a problem and I know that we need a radical solution.

This isn't it.

I can't believe some of my more sane friends are behind this law. They say it isn't racism, that people are over-reacting. They say you shouldn't worry about providing papers if you aren't doing anything illegal. Sigh, my friends. Ask my sister about my stance on allowing things to happen with out a fight. She tell you I have a very hard stance, I don't give an inch in fear that they WILL take a mile. I am not an anarchist, just a realist.

Our country was created to provide us certain unalienable RIGHTS. That we are all created EQUAL. This Constitution was drafted by some that would these days be considered ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS.

My ancestors on my fathers side came here legally as did many of those that are four or five (some even two) generation American. The difference? Immigration policies were much lighter then. We were the land of the free in the brave. This was the place that people came to escape poverty and oppression. In 1965 our country passed the Hart Celler Act to remove quotes.

I will take a moment to step off my soap box and tell you a story about my time in Arizona. I stayed in a hotel and each day saw one to two different employees. Every day I took two cabs, never having the same driver. Through out the day at the University I encountered a number of employees. Every evening I would walk to a different hotel and enjoying dinner. I even walked to the gas station on a couple of occasions.

In that entire six days I was there. I never once encountered anyone that didn't speak English. The only time I really encountered someone of Hispanic descent was once with a cab driver and the custodial service at the University. The custodian was very friendly and we had more than a few conversations.

I will not pretend to know the percentage of Hispanics in Arizona but I was surprised, in hindsight, that I didn't experience what some have called a change in the population. So each day I was around approximately 10 employees of various companies and never found myself to be in the presences of someone that could be considered as an illegal immigrant. How is that possible?

The companies make that possible. These companies (Extended Stay Hotels, Quick Trip, Discount Cab of Phoenix, Sheraton Hotel, and University of Phoenix) are the SOLUTION. The PROBLEM isn't the immigrants it is the companies who continue to employee undocumented workers. Why aren't the republicans crying wolf on this???? Because they support big business and those many companies that line their pockets would cry foul if they were to stand up and speak out.

People are escaping here for a better life. Companies across this country are giving them the incentive to do it illegally. Instead of ripping families apart and endorsing state sanctioned racism, lets start fining and arresting those who every day take advantage and rob legal citizens of all races and nationalities.

Chicken Santa What?

2010-04-13T12:39:00.000-07:00

So my current mission, which I accepted but have yet to commit to, fully, is to bring my lunch every day and dinner every night. (Ah, the pleasures of working two jobs).

I decided, with the help of a nice sale at the local grocery store, to purchase a number of Smart Ones meals from Weight Watchers. This was for two reasons, I remember, a long time ago when I had accepted this mission (and failed) that they weren't half bad and really aren't loaded with calories.

Yesterday I enjoyed two very nice meals; Teriyaki Chicken and Veggies for lunch and Lasagna Bake with Meat Sauce. I was very pleased with both meals. My lunch was just the right portion size to be complimented with fresh fruit (god I love fresh pineapple) and the sauce was great. The chicken didn't have that frozen-meal taste or texture. The lasagna wasn't dry and the sauce was nice, if not a little too sweet for my tastes, but all-in-all a great meal (with a nice pear on the side).

Today I grabbed the Chicken Santa Fe and Home-style Pot Roast, both part of the Bistro collection. I wonder if my definition of bistro is wrong. Maybe in Weight Watchers lingo Bistro is more similar to vomit?

I'm fairly certain I have throw shit up that looks more appetizing then that. I ended up eating only the chicken as I was unaware that it was possible for black beans to become drier.

Le Sigh, it is safe to say that I am not too interested in my dinner meal. Tragic.

And where the hell did the spell-checker my blog go? Are the blog gods not aware that I am possibly the world's ~~WORST~~ least competent speller?

Schools Out

2010-04-12T15:23:00.000-07:00

I must preface this blog by stating that I am the daughter of an educator, so I will also state that some opinions expressed are likely to be slightly influenced by this.

Utah, like many states, is seeing a budget short-fall and one of the areas that is taking a hit is public education. I can not think of an area that can not lose money more. Education is the foundation of life. With out adequate education we are sitting up the children of our future to fail. Look at my generation and compare them to the current high-schoolers, I imagine you will see a significant difference in the importance place on education.

Sadly, I feel too many parents over-look the importance of education. They see it as free baby-sitting. I am astounded by how many of my friends can't wait for their child to hit 5 so they don't have to worry about day care. And full day kindergarten? WTF, how is a five year old at all expected to sit through 8 hours of class? Give me a break. If you have a child you have MADE THAT DECISION. With that comes sacrifices, one of those being time/money to watch that child until they are of age to be left alone.

And on that note, how dare people have more kids than they can afford to educate. It is ridiculous how many parents receive more money from the state of Utah than they paid in taxes because of the number of children they have popped out. These parents are free-loaders and are just as much a harm to society as those who abuse other state assistance (welfare, etc). But as they are saving those souls floating around in heaven, I guess it is forgive.

Wake up parents. School is not free, and it isn't solely the responsibility of underpaid and undervalued teachers to educate you children. The buck doesn't stop there; it extends to when they are home. Quit sitting your children in front of the TV for hours of mindless shit. Take some time to read to them, create structure and SUPPORT education.

Robbing our children by reducing the amount of money we supply our education system will continue to deplete this country of informed and educated adult, something we are already sorely lacking.

How about we have a lottery, let those of us heathens who enjoy a scratch ticket or two help support education?

How about we quit allowing students to waste a period a day to leave school for religious reasons?

Why dump so much money into sports, what are they bringing to the table? I'd rather cut sports any day than art programs (yeah, that is the liberal side of me talking).

There is an answer here and I pray it doesn't become cutting what is already a very empty pocket.

Buttars Brother

2010-04-02T14:12:00.000-07:00

I think Chris Buttars has a brother from a different mother.

Rep. Hank Johnson (D-GA) said Guam might capsize. He says he was speaking figuratively. I am not sure it matters. Take a moment before you ask a question and think, "how will this sound when it is replayed over and over and over".

Of course Buttars says stupid and hateful things. Johnson just said something stupid.

Remind me, why do people want to procreate?

2010-04-01T13:32:00.000-07:00

I hate bullying. Detest it. I grew up in a small town and was not one of the popular girls. I was friends with all the guys, a tom-boy, and very tall and very skinny. I was bullied all of the time. I survived. In fact, I think I should thank Tanya for helping to build the strong and independent woman that I am today.

Kids will be kids. Right?

I HATE that excuse.

Yes I was bullied, incessantly. The difference between when I was younger and now. There wasn’t the internet. Bullying took place at school and then it was done. It didn’t follow me home. Sure, Tanya could tell everyone lies about me, but she had to spread them, person to person. Now all the modern-day Tanya has to do is update her facebook status and *boom* within a few minutes the entire student body could know the lie.

So I hate bullies, pretty obvious.

Know what I hate more? Parents of bullies. Administrators and teachers at schools were bullying takes place. Ignoring a situation for whatever reason WILL NOT MAKE IT GO AWAY!

Take young Phoebe Prince, a beautiful soul who took her life to end the daily torture. My heart goes out to her family and I hope that the DA continues to push hard and throw the book at the bullies. Felony charges are completely justified and shame on those who think differently. While they are at, and I RARELY support this, sue the school.

Of course the administrators are know claiming that they didn’t know it was this bad. That no one had complained. And maybe, as an immigrant family, this is partially true.

I am not sure yet if I will chose to be a parent. Stories like this make me wonder if it is worth it. The pain and anguish of growing up was hard enough experienced first hand. I can only imagine how much worse it is seeing a child go through it.

For All

2010-04-01T09:58:00.000-07:00

I have fully avoided talking about health care. I acknowledge this. Normally I am the first to jump on the political bandwagon and voice my ever-so-present opinion. This time I have refrained. I guess now that a bill has passed it is time to speak up.

I believe that health care is a right, not a privilege. I believe that we all should have equal access to doctors, medicine, hospitals, etc. I believe that it should be affordable. I believe that the current health care system is a big fat in-you-face failure.

I don’t know if I support this current bill.

It is hard, to be for health care reform and disagree with this bill. I strongly believe that there is reform needed but I just don’t think this bill is the answer.

Pre-existing conditions are unfair. Take this example. A man and his wife decide to have a baby. They have health care through his employer. He is let go due to the struggling economy. She works from home so doesn’t have access to work-sponsored heath care. She is three months pregnant and now has no health care. He can pay for Cobra (usually over $800 a month). But as they have just lost their main income, this is going to be tough. They can not find private health care because her pregnancy is a pre-existing condition. How is that fair?

The cost of private health care is astronomical. Take another example. My friend is married and her husband is self-employed. She stays home with their two daughters. They decide to have another child. Understanding that they do not have insurance she signs-up for a program with her doctor that allows her to pay (in advance installments) for the cost of visits and delivery. There are major complications. Her son is born with a hole in his colon. He has to spend the first month of his life in the hospital. Their total bill when all is said and done, over $200K. Is it fair that medical bills bankrupt a family?

We need reform, understandably and unequivocally. But this current bill mandates that every person has insurance, everyone has to purchase it. Pre-existing conditions are now gone… but can anyone say whether the astronomical costs are? My biggest problem with this bill? The government lay in bed with the insurance companies. Those devils that deny claim after claim to make a profit. Also, some states (even my home state of Nebraska) have special privileges while others do not.

I don’t know the answer, and will not claim to. But I do know when something stinks and this bill does. You can’t pass a bill just to pass one and then hope to later clean it up.

Standing on Solid Ground

2010-03-29T10:52:00.000-07:00

I imagine that we have all found ourselves, at least at one time or another, disagreeing strongly with the actions of someone we know and care about.

I try, very hardly, to not judge anyone, especially those that I consider part of my circle of friends. Occassionally though, this becomes close to impossible.

I want to shake this person, slap them, do anything that will bring them back to reality. But like so many others, reality is what we make it, and this person truly believes in their self-made reality.

I understand that there is nothing I can do. No words I can speak that won't drive a wedge. So I have chosen to be quite, which is difficult for me. I can only say the same thing so many times, a person must help themselves, or understand for themselves.

I hope that they will.

Growing up is hard to do

2010-03-11T21:52:00.000-08:00

I will continue on yesterday's post at a later time. I decided it was far past time for me to take another position on my favorite topic at the moment (well the same moment that has lasted well over a year), equal rights to all.

Thanks to Rexy for pointing me to this story: Constance

In any day-n-age, it is extremely hard to be a teenager, trying to gain acceptance and approval from your peers. I can only imagine how much harder that would be to be an open lesbian in a small Mississippi town. I also can't even fathom how much harder it would be if you were the lesbian who has "taken" away prom from everyone else.

She hasn't taken it away, despite the sentiment of her classmates . She stood up for her rights and the rights of every-single-one of them (though I doubt they understand or appreciate this). It is the bigoted school board that has taken away prom. I guess they too are taking a stand; sadly it is on the wrong side.

Morals and norms mean nothing when they are infringing on the rights of others. It wasn't long ago that Mississippi and other Southern states took the same stance when people of a different color demanded they too are able to attend prom, ride the bus, sit at the soda fountain, vote, etc.

Thank you Constance. You are an example of bravery and perseverance in the face of bigotry, hate, and misguided religious zealots. You have restored my faith that the youth of today may not just fuck this world up.

That which has remained unspoken

2010-03-10T15:12:00.000-08:00

I'm going to be honest, I'm fat. It isn't like this snuck up on me, well it did about eight years ago, but as of now, it is old news.

In high-school I was in great shape. I ran every day and was generally athletic. I also had been blessed with a killer metabolism and could literally eat what ever the hell I wanted and not gain an ounce.

Then I got on the BC... and slowly I gained about 20 pounds. I got back in shape and dropped most of that weight. Then I got on another BC, in the form of an injection, and promptly gained 50 pounds. And that metabolism? It decided to take a very long vacation. In fact, the bitch hasn't come back yet. My metabolism dropped me, left me alone.

I tried very hard, for awhile, to lose that fifty and was getting better until something happened in my life, my ex-husband. After I finally escaped that nightmare I was 100 lbs over what I was in high-school.

I think what happens when we reach this point is that it seems so overwhelming, so infeasible that this could be fixed, that we just give up. I think I did that. Today I had this wake-up call. I can't continue life like this. I am losing myself inside the person I have become.

Change is coming... and it will hurt... and I will hate it. But I love myself enough to do it.

2010-02-21T21:12:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite childhood memories revolves around gardening. I grew up in the Midwest where the land was very furtile. My family had a large garden that I enjoyed working in with my mother.

I want, desperately, to garden again. I just am not sure where to start. If anyone has any suggestions of good reading before starting a garden in Utah.. pass it along.

True power and influence

2010-01-21T19:57:00.000-08:00

A very interesting correlation. I am sitting in my favorite coffee shop enjoying their wonderful house roast and studying power and influence among leaders.

I have decided no one has more power and influence over people and situations then unruly children. There seems to be a large misconception among my friends, they believe I dislike children. This is not at all accurate. Ask Rexy, I adore her children and they love me. The difference between Rexy's darlings and the average Utah child? Rexy has rules. She disciplines her children.

I was about an hour into my study, highlighting with a new fever (I love studying leadership, hence I am getting a PhD in Organizational Leadership) when a group of about 7 adults and four children entered the coffee shop. The parents sat at the table behind me and for awhile so did the children. I think the parents mistakenly gave the children coffee and not one of the many child-drinks offered.

Before I knew it the coffee shop was being taken over by these monsters who ran around, yelled at each other, ran in and out and in and out, and became overall nuisances. A young woman who was also here with her computer doing some studying left to her car to continue work in silence. Normally I would not continue to subject myself to this behavior, but I was comfortable and knee deep in John P Kotter. I am not in the mood to take on 7 adults so I waited, patiently, for the parents to realize my over-the-shoulder looks were in their direction.

They did not. After about an hour of this behavior they finally left. A few minutes later one of the employees came up to me and ask if I minded if she used the vacuum. Vacuum?? That is sweet music compared to what I just heard. She mentioned that it was annoying and that they had five people call and complain. Wow. And "But people should understand when you go out in public there will be children". I almost smacked her emo-dyed hair.

I expect that there will always be children, actually I hope there always will be. Civilization can not continue if our species does not continue to reproduce. What I do not expect, nor do I normally tolerate, are kids who are out-of-control. I am saying kids. The youngest one was close to 12. I am not talking babies who don't understand or (for a former friend who took things out of context) children with disabilities. There is no excuse for a parent to use a coffee shop, or any public place (except for those intended) as a running playground for their children.

It isn't hard to keep your kids well behaved. I imagine (because I don't hav children) that all it takes are some boundaries and consequences. Not much unlike the different theories on power and leadership.

And to clarify... I don't like ~~kids~~ parents who don't use power and influence over their kids.

Actual Words of Wisdom

2010-01-18T14:37:00.001-08:00

Because nothing I say could have as much meaning...

"We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force. The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny and their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom. We cannot walk alone.

And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall march ahead. We cannot turn back. There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, "When will you be satisfied?" We can never be satisfied as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities. We cannot be satisfied as long as the Negro's basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto to a larger one. We can never be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream.

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow cells. Some of you have come from areas where your quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive.

Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed. Let us not wallow in the valley of despair." - MLK

Chaffetz This

2010-01-14T02:16:00.000-08:00

It's been a day or two since I have taken the time to rant about one of Utah's fine politicians. Normally I save this ranting time for the likes of Chris Butters. Instead I will turn my attention to a junior Congressman from my fine state, Jason Chaffetz. Until recently this douchebag, I mean Congressman, was really only known for sleeping on a cot and leg-wrestling with a certain talk show host.

He has decided to make news in another way. He has sponsored H.R.2027 to establish limitations on the use of whole-body imaging technology for aircraft passenger screening, and for other purposes. This has become his pet project. Why? Well to protect our personal freedoms of course.

I find this bill ironic in a number of ways but before I really touch on the irony of this lets talk about my issues with this bill.

Here is the summary of the bill:

1 Aircraft Passenger Whole-Body Imaging Limitations Act of 2009 - Directs the Assistant Secretary of Homeland Security (Transportation Security Administration) (TSA) to ensure that whole-body imaging technology is used for the screening of passengers only in accordance with this Act.

2 Prohibits the use of whole-body imaging technology as the sole or primary method of screening aircraft passengers. Allows its use only if another method of screening, such as metal detection, demonstrates cause for preventing a passenger from boarding an aircraft.

3 Requires that passengers: (1) be provided information on the operation of such technology and specified related matters, including privacy policies and the right to request a pat-down search; and (2) be offered such a pat-down search in lieu of such screening.

4 Prohibits the storage, transfer, sharing, or copying in any form of an image of a passenger generated by whole-body imaging technology after a boarding determination is made.

5 Imposes criminal penalties upon any U.S. officer or employee who knowingly stores, transfers, shares, or copies whole-body screening images.

Chaffetz basic argument is that the use of full-body scanners is an invasion of personal privacy as we are guaranteed by the Constitution. You will receive no argument from me on part of this. While the Constitution does not specifically or expressly grant citizens a blanket right to privacy, the Bill of Rights makes certain protections. In this case Chaffetz is likely referring to the 4th Amendment, which protects the privacy of a person from unreasonable searches.

Unreasonable searches. What is unreasonable? Is it unreasonable for the TSA to require people to walk through a scanner that detects whether someone is concealing a weapon or something that could be used as a weapon? If your answer is yes then please explain to me how it is unreasonable. The 4th Amendment is not a blanket protection from any search of person. It states, very explicitly, from unreasonable searches. There are those that will say well I am a law abiding citizen so it is unreasonable to assume that I would conceal a weapon. Okay, so how is the TSA to know this? Would you rather that they start profiling? How do you suggest that the TSA determines who is a threat? How do you suggest that security screening is done in a way that is reasonable to your assumed personal privacy?

My second point on this discussion is in regards to choices. We all make choices in life. I don't care for the restrictions the LDS church has placed on the Main Street Plaza so I choose not to use it. Walking through this Plaza, which it private land, is not my right. It is owned by the church and thus they are able to institute whatever rules they see fit. As I don't agree with these rules, I don't walk there.

Flying is not a right. It is a privilege. You make the choice to fly understanding that there are certain rules that have to be followed. You have to present your ID to prove you are the person on the ticket. Is that an invasion of privacy? To demand to see your government issued ID? You can not take check certain items, is that an invasion on your right to privacy to allow your bags to be screened?

The point is, we all know that there are certain security measures that are in place in airports and if you choose to fly you have to abide by those, whether they are TSA (government) or Airline (private) rules. If you don't like it there are multiple options for you. You make the choice to fly it is not forced upon you.

I am not one who easily gives up what I feel are my rights. I firmly believe in the preservation of our individual rights granted by the constitution. I have stated in a number of discussions with my sister (who works in law enforcement) that if you give an inch don't be surprised when they take a mile. Unfortunately, this doesn't fit that scenario. When personal choice becomes involved the line between rights and privileges is less blurry.

I've had this conversation with a few friend who disagree with me. They are adament that it is an invasion of privacy yet when I ask them who it is an unreasonable search they don't seem to have an answer that merits continuation of the debate. I am wondering if someone could present this to me. I am often found of debate. :)

Marvin Gay ain't got nothing on these teens

2010-01-04T12:16:00.001-08:00

I consider myself a sexually open person. If it involves two consenting adults, more power to you, who am I to judge? I also have pretty substancial opinions on the lack of education and open discussion relating to sex, especially in this state. All of that being said... what the HELL is going on with today's youth?

Here I sit in a coffee shop, attempting to read a book about leadership and I can't help but overhear the conversation going on amoung a group of teenagers.

Teen 1: Dude, did you hear what happened with John at the party?
All Teens: NO, what?
Teen 1: Well he was having sex with Suzy, but it only lasted like ten seconds so Suzy went downstairs and got another girl so she could get off.
All Teens: WHOA Dude, HAWT!
Teen 1: Then, Mike comes up and has sex with Angie in the same room with Suzy and the other girl getting off.
All Teens: Wow, awesome

Me.... VOMIT.

Now do I have issues with any of these acts (girl on girl, boy on girl, boy on girl with girl on girl), no. What I take issue with is the following statement.

Teen 2: Did you get the homework done for Chemistry. Dude, one more year and we are done with highschool.

Ick. This is where my problem is.

I was lucky. My first sexual experience was while in a very serious and committed relationship. I was able to experience sex for the first time with someone I trusted and loved. I am well aware that this isn't always the typical experience. I wish it were different. While I do believe sex is a biological need, it is always much better when you are in love. People can argue with me and that is fine, I'd argue they've never experience sex while in love.

Highschool kids have sex. I know this. I understand this. I don't necessarily agree with this. While I am open to people having sex, I am not open to someone under the age of 18 having sex with a boy, then a girl, then another boy or girl. This isn't healthy behavior for a teenager. We all mature at different rates but is anyone at the age of 16 or 17 mature enough for kinky sex?

Was this going on when I was in high school? Probably not. What is the difference now from then? It's not like I am ancient. Hell, I am not even 30 yet. What happened to our youth that promiscuity is the new cool? Or maybe the difference is I was surround with a great group of friends who had morals. Or that I was in a great relationship with a boy who didn't pressure me to have sex let along swing from the fan sex.

Weird. Or maybe I am just prude.

You're Fired

2009-12-04T15:20:00.000-08:00

Or better yet I am fired. I always have these fantastic plans of blogging interesting things on a daily basis. And I always fail. This says something about me. No, I am not a failure, I just have issues with commitment, to blogs.

I will blame it on the stress of work, school (WHY THE HELL DID I GO BACK, well to complain about it of course) and buying a house.

I should be closing next week. That is unless jesus or his father decide they hate me enough to screw this job up. I will post pre and post pictures. And note to all homeowners... there is no possible way that the decor of "Carebear Throwup" is appropriate or aesthetically pleasing.

This is all.

Full Moon

2009-11-23T08:59:00.000-08:00

Disclosure, this is a rant blog.

New Moon broke box office records this weekend with the biggest opening weekend in history. This is not what annoys me. Nope. It is the response from movie snobs and annoying people that is my problem. If you don't like the movie that is fine, you are allowed your personal feeling. What I don't care for is the snobby nature of people complaining about this.

I saw the movie opening night. I love the book series. There is nothing wrong with that. And there is nothing wrong with the millions of people who are reading it. I imagine the same people crying about the records haven't read them either. Guess what, the books may not be literary genius, but they are good reads and any author that can get a generation of kids reading rather than playing video games is good.

There is not an end of movies as we know it. There is a huge following for the books and so there is going to be a huge following for the movies. It doesn't matter what critics say, it doesn't matter what movie snobs think. These people enjoy the books and want to see the characters come to life, even if it doesn't meet your standards.

Move on people. If you don't like the movie don't spend your dollars on it.

My foot tastes icky

2009-11-10T21:07:00.000-08:00

Today has been an testy day. It started off with someone throwing me under the bus. Then a decision I made in an attempt to make things better bit me in the ass, hard. Now I have a horrible headache that nothing is fixing. I even took pills... and I hate taking pills.

I am going to wake up in the morning and just pretend that today didn't happen. I am aware that this will not make the problem better, that I am just avoiding. But guess what? Every once in a while we all get to do this.

I now hate HGTV

2009-11-01T23:00:00.000-08:00

House hunting is more than a fantastic show on HGTV. Actually, because I truly value honesty, it has been one of the worst experiences of my life. That is saying a great deal, especially if you know anything about my marriage and subsequent divorce.

This market is horrific. Everything is a short sale. The few houses that aren't short sales are snatched up in the blink of an eye. The BF and I finally made the decision, or two decisions.. we made two offers.

The first one that was accepted is actually next door to where I am now. It is an older home, but I have a certain comfort level. I know the neighborhood. I can yell at the neighborhood kids and they take my word as law.

The problem is that the house failed (and I mean FAILED) the inspection. The chimney is on the ground in the backyard thanks to last weeks horrific windstorm. The basement bathroom and crawlspace have black mold. There are multiple negative slopes... I could go on and on. We walked away.

Now we hope (and pray) that the other home, the newer on that should have no problems, comes through this week. The agent for the seller has been less then ethical. My agent and I were discussion the possibilities of filing a formal complaint. He told me "most people just walk away and let it go, because it is a hassle". Ha. He does NOT know me. I strongly believe on following through, it's all about the principal for me.

While I may have a passionate need to stick it to him... I am intelligent enough to know when to start my battle. That would be after he finally pulls his shit together and we get the house.

Why yes, I'd love some cheese with my wine

2009-09-30T08:35:00.000-07:00

It is inevitable. When I really need to world to be on my side, it isn't. Only when I need things to run smoothly does my life turn into a chaotic drama that is made for TV. While this is very much my history I am one of those naive (read stupid) people who tends to hope for something better.

Really world? Done shitting on me?

Now of course I know that people have worse problems then me. But guess what, this is MY blog, so MY problems are the center of discussion. If you don't want to read about ME, MYSELF, and I... probably should find another blog. Oh wait... no one reads anyway.

Dear god (and world), please play nice. Thanks much.

Kansas City Calling

2009-09-25T09:15:00.001-07:00

It has been more than a few years since I have been able to get back to KC for a pleasant reason. I have a multitude of memories from my childhood that surround the area, but it seems I can’t grasp on to them. I had a very sobering trip. I had gone for work and had told myself I would just stay at the hotel, avoid the known. Unfortunately, as it usually is with me, I am drawn to my past and memories that are so tightly bound.

The positive, I was able to spend a few hours talking with my aunt and uncle, sharing stories of the good times.

The negative, no matter how hard we all try, there is an emptiness that can’t be filled. Death is so tragic, even when we expect it. It doesn’t matter how we prepare or how me plan on coping, it will always win the battle. After leaving my aunt and uncle’s I ventured to the familiar neighborhood of my youthful memories. I found myself pulled over on the side of the road as the tears poured. I attended her funeral, I said my prayers, released the pain. Yet somehow, I haven’t fully grieved. I was very much consumed with the pain and suffering that goes hand and hand with death. As I continued to drive I found myself, once again, avoiding the hotel and driving to the park we spent hours at, past the church where she dedicated much of her time. With every landmark the pain seemed to deepen.

As we age death becomes a more intimate part of our lives. Those we knew when we were younger have succumbed to the path of life, leaving us behind.

I still miss you, and I spent the last few days remembering the importance behind your life and the uncountable number of souls you touched. With each day that goes by I will continue to honor your memory, even if it is in the smallest, most insignificant way. Thank you for your role in making me who I am today, for showing me that I can accomplish anything, for believing that I was special. If I can only be this to one person then my life has had purpose.

Can you beat this affection?

2009-08-29T10:20:00.000-07:00

My cat, Cleopatra, loves to chew on body parts. She doesn't bite down hard, she nibbles. It is a sign of affection, I promise. It isn't a sign that she wants to devour your arm.

This laugh is on you

2009-08-26T13:17:00.001-07:00

I wonder if I am the only one that saves certain joke emails. I save them so when I am having a particularly rough day I can go to the folder and read something that will make me laugh. There is one that I have that will bring me to tears everytime I read it, it is that funny. It has pictures so I can't really share it here. If you want it let me know I will send it to you.

Everyone should have a folder like this. Here is my newest addition, an email with a random list of very true topics.

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the hell was going on when I first saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a Jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a problem....

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time...

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat b@st@rd before dinner.

Take a deep....

2009-08-17T15:17:00.000-07:00

Advance notice, this post may contain some small amounts of bitching. I warn you in advance because I don't want to hear complaints of bitching. I rarely bitch. (Yes, I was just hit by lighting).

Things are crazy busy at work. No, I am not, in any shape or form, bitching about this. I am glad things are crazy, it means I still have a job, it means I am less scared about doom and gloom.

I couldn't work 15 hour days and still not get enough done. My "to do" list gets longer and longer each day. I dream of the day when I look down at the list and see neat little checkmarks in the box next to what ever action item I have scribbled down. It is almost as good as a wet dream.

The reason this dream is so sublime, so intensly wonderful, is because it will never happen. That is okay, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job. (See how I reminded myself right there?) Everyday I come in, rarely take an actual lunch and find new and inventive ways to create reports and my projections. Have I ever mentioned my hatred of statistics? Statistics often succeed at making me their bitch. Which is cool, I hardly get to be anyone's bitch anymore.

What I hate? People who take vacation when they really can't afford to. Now I don't mean this in the monetary sense, and I don't mean this in the they don't have enough vacation time way. I mean they take vacation but don't have their shit together at the office. Which means I get to help out. Now, I am a team player, I will always help out. But it gets old, especially when the same person refuses to be a team player themselves.

Sigh, and cheers to another day!

HGTV could never prepare me

2009-08-17T07:24:00.000-07:00

Looking for a home is too much work. I want to throw in the towel after making my first offer. They say the market is prime and there are good deals to be had. I disagree. Everything (8 out of 10 homes) are in short sell. I am avoiding short sells. I don't want to waste four months on a property only to find out that the bank really doesn't want to negotiate. So this leaves me pickings rather slim.

Finally, after a month or so of serious looking, I found a great property. It needs LOTS of work. But hey, it is a foreclosure, and in this market the bank should be willing to negotiate. At least that is what all the experts say.

I found the one property owned by a bank that didn't get the memo. What is worse is they want about 30K more for a property than it really is worth. Sure... after I drop 20K or so into it... it would be worth that amount. But I am not going to pay out of pocket to placate some man with his books.

So kids, moral of this story... house hunting BLOWS!

Book Club

2009-08-11T08:04:00.000-07:00

You know you are truly a dork when you feel the need to have a book club. Don't laugh at me!

In high school I read so many of the classics, I think it would be great to read them again, as an adult.

This could be fleeting, as are many ideas I have.

My Old Heart

2009-07-27T14:13:00.000-07:00

I don't doubt that I have made it very apparent that I don't care too much for Utah. Sure, the state is beautiful in it's own right but there are attitudes, religion, and politics that I have a hard time dealing with. So why do I stay? There are a number of reasons. My family is there and I can't imagine living too far from my family. My friends are there and it has taken me an awful long time to find friends as wonderful and golden as the ones I now have. The BF is there, need I say more? And finally, my job is there, a job that I currently adore (minus some of the horrific travel schedules I have dealt with in the last few months). All of these things added up make Utah home, or as much home as it can ever be.

When I travel back to the midwest I fill it beckoning to me, in the deepest pits of my stomach. I feel a calmness surround me and comfort of childhood memories. I love the midwest in it's backward loving way. People are genuine, food is good, and the earth is plentiful.

I just got into Maine last night for the second time. The first trip was short and I had no chance to take in the sites. Luckily, because it is impossible to get here before 5pm, I had to fly in a day earlier. I spent the entire morning seeing the sites of Old Portland and took a small excursion to some light houses.

I am in love. Deeply, infatuated in love. While the midwest calls to me, Maine seems to wrap around my heart. I am an old soul and this city speaks to me on a level that none have before. The closest I can think to feeling this way was when I was in Boston. I love history, something that Utah lacks. I am surrounded with history here.

Sigh. Maine is my new lover. I know the BF won't mind sharing me with a state thousands of miles away. As I write this I am sitting in my hotel room listening to the sounds of the ocean (including the seagulls). How will I ever say good-bye with out breaking my heart?

The end of it all

2009-07-05T23:38:00.000-07:00

The last month has been a doozy and sadly this month is shaping up to be the same. I think I was out of town more often then I was in town. My Aunt passed away during the first week of June. It was devestating to as all. It was the first funeral I attended of somsone I know and love. And it was hard. I loved my Aunt so very much. She was and always will be an inspiration to me. I think that because work has been so hectic I haven't really had time to fully grieve. I am sure that one day, out of nowhere, it will hit me. She fought a very hard and very long battle and I know that she is finally at peace with her maker. Yes I did say that.

I've spent most of the rest of the month galavanting around the midwest, visiting such great places as Brookings, SD, Danvers, MN, Greely, CO, Estherville and Carrol, IA. Don't be jealous that I am racking out Holiday Inn rewards faster then I can say supercali.. you get the idea. And yes, I stay at Holiday Inns. First off, I like them... I know what to expect. Second of all, do you think the small towns I am visiting have a Marriott? Ha, if only.

It is interesting, all the places I get to travel. I see parts of the country that most people don't, and all from country highways. Tomorrow I fly into Denver and then make the very long drive to Liberal, KS. This time I will bring my camera and I plan on taking some photos of the interesting things I see along the way. I should have started earlier, but I imagine you will all find interest in my roadside blog.

Toodles!

Sketchy Scratch

2009-06-16T10:00:00.000-07:00

Last night, after slaving for hours over a paper, I decided to wash my car. I know that it will likely rain today, but it was so dirty from weeks of rain and dirt. I gave the baby the whole treatment, wax and everything. This morning I was leaving for work and noticed a scrape on the driver side door. I know, since I spent time lovingly stroking her fine paint last night, that the scrape wasn't there. And since I came straight home from there and parked in my spot (next to my garage mind you), this happened sometime in the middle of the night.

I have apparently annoyed someone so much they have decided to come and scrape up against my car. My money is on Hitler. Hitler is the president of our HOA. I worked with Hitler for a year. And worked is really not the right word. I argued, yelled, and screamed trying to get my voice to be heard. I am a loud person, Hitler is louder. Finally after formally calling her a dictator last weekend and baptising her as Hitler I decided to resign. Guess what, I am one busy bitch. I have way too much going on to waste time fighting someone as crazy as Hitler. Good luck HOA, running with two candidates can't work.

IMG00122.jpg

2009-06-01T08:36:00.000-07:00

Only in Nebraska would money be spent on a walkway across the interstate.

Californication

2009-05-26T23:45:00.000-07:00

Sigh. California just seems unable to escape the news. One day it is the dire financial woes of our western state. Today it is the Cali State Supreme Courts decisions to uphold Prop 8. I was listening to NPR this morning and someone actually tried to tie the two together. Yes, now there is something else to blame on the gays, the near bankrupt state of California. Damn gays, what will they do next? Decorate my home? Buy me a great class of Merlot? I jest when I really desire to be serious. But sometimes you just have to laugh at the audacity of all of it. Because when it comes down to it that is really all this is.

Ignorance, bigotry, there are many words I can think to describe those who choose to refuse to grant equal rights. I assume if I was around during the women's rights movement or the civil rights movement I would feel the same. Maybe it is, in part, due to the fact that I am no longer a church goer. I do not mean that to come across as I am not a religious person, but maybe I just haven't studied enough. Because when I think back to my days in Sunday school, my years spent studying for conformation, I remember a few things vividly. The most important was that I can not judge people. Religion is not a weapon for me to yield like a sword, cutting down those who I do not deem worthy.

If you haven't guessed by now, I am a huge supporter of gay marriage. There is only one reason, because everyone deserves the same rights as I. Just because you are gay doesn't mean you shouldn't have the ability to be legally tied to the person you love. Yes I understand that civil unions offer those who are gay in California the same rights as those who are straight. But the rights are under a different name, so how are they the same. Equal rights are not different rights. In the fifties those of different colors were also allowed to drink from water fountains, ride buses, and attend school. They just couldn't do it in the same area as white people. Equal rights, yes, but different rights.

The argument of choice is null in this case. People do not choose to be gay, just as I did not choose to be straight. I was born this way. Just as my dear friend in California was born gay. He didn't just wake up one morning and decide, "Hey world, give me hell, I choose to be gay. I choose to be labeled and cast aside. I choose for people to judge me and use the name of God to bear false witness against me".

And religion. Goodness me. I can't think of one thing I detest more than people who hide beind the guise of religion to afford them them ability to spew hatred. I assure you my God does not love gay people less. Too many negative acts are committed in the name of religion. Instead of using a pulpit to incite bigotry, why don't we use it to condone love and acceptance. I am quite certain that God would be happy with that action.

The discussion of equal rights for those who are gay is one that I hope continues with the same fever. I hope that those of us who support equal rights are never silenced.

We are all familiar with a certain figures speech regarding a wonderful dream. Instead of quoting the same passage we all know, let me provide an alternative.

In the beautiful and inspiring words of Dr. Martin Luther King,

"As we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead. We cannot turn back"

"This will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with a new meaning, "My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring."

And if America is to be a great nation this must become true. So let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania!

Let freedom ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado!

Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California!

But not only that; let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia!

Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee!

Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

And when this happens, when we allow freedom to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

The beauty of Wyoming

2009-05-13T17:05:00.000-07:00

Of all the places I've travel my least favorite is Wyoming. It is flat and windy and, well boring. Thanks to the Central Book Exchange I have a Steven King book on tape to keep my company.

Dinosaurs

2009-05-13T08:24:00.001-07:00

I hate them. This is all.

Mobil blogs?!?

2009-05-12T22:52:00.001-07:00

If I were Snoop Dog I'd say something like nizzle. The wonders of the internet.

And what unknown number calls at this time of night? I smell a slimy ex-husband.

The horror of it all

2009-04-26T17:25:00.001-07:00

Last night, after waking up from being sick, I went to the fridge to get some juice. I happened to look at the calendar and noticed I had committed a major Faux pa.

I forgot the BFF's birthday. Just forgot. Period.

Sigh, I NEVER forget birthdays. I have this unusual ability to remember dates. I think it ties in with the unusual ability to remember all numbers (just don't ask me to do mathematical equations with said numbers).

I immediately texted him in shame.

Me: "Fuck, I am horrible. With everything going on with Kaden I totally forgot your bday. Happy Birthday, late"

BFF: "It's okay, didn't want to make a big deal, work's crazy"

Me: "Still... let's do dinner later this week. Love you fucker"

Bff: "Suck it whore. Later works"

I don't have my phone on me right now, but this was pretty much how it goes. I love that we love each other but have to call each other name instead. We share a strong bond.

Damn Kids

2009-04-25T17:52:00.000-07:00

What the hell is wrong with kids this day? Before you acusse me of being an old geezer (even though I do have LOTS of gray hair) pay attention.

I was a teenager once, a long long time ago. I had friends and we had fun, lots of fun. What we never did?? We never were loud and obnioxious in any public place. We didn't go to eating establishments and yell and run around. We didn't throw food. We didn't go in to coffee shops and laugh and talk so loud that someone working on a paper for her MBA class couldn't hear over her very nice headphones.

We didn't do any of that.

I tried giving them the "look". Yes my "look" requres quotation marks. It is because it is that scarey. Ask MLo, he saw it many times. And he was smart enough to recognize the meaning and promise behind the "look". If you see the "look" you know that if your current behavior doesn't change immediately violence will follow. This time it will be violence in the form of my pen stabbing them in their young thoats. Bet that will shut them up.

Life Goes On

2009-04-24T07:17:00.000-07:00

Obla di Obla da is by and far one of my all time favorite songs. I'd like to claim it is because of the message hidden in the lyrics, but it's not. It just sounds really good when you get drunk and yell/sing.

It's been a hard week. Kaden, my little nephew, was born on Sunday. He is such a beautiful little boy! Unfortunatly there have been a list of complications. Mainly, he is having an issue remembering to breath. He has been in the NICU since Tuesday. And last I spoke to Rexy, he was doing much better.

My aunt who received the heart transplant is having complications. She has a viral infection and is back on the respirator. She has a living will (thank god, everyone should) and can only be kept on the respirator for a few days before the doctor is required to remove it. She is doing a little better.

My grandparnets are just fading fast. My grandpa now has to be in a wheelchair all the time.

Not very often do I say this, but everyone hug those you love, because tomorrow you never know.

SA

2009-04-07T09:54:00.000-07:00

Hello. My Name is Lindsey, and I am a stupid girl. (This is where you all respond with "Hello Lindsey").

Sigh. How many times have I said "I hate stupid girls"? Probably at least a gazillion and a half. No, I am not taking the statement back. And I think I have always suggested that I have stupid girl moments. That doesn't change the fact that I hate stupid girls and hate even more, being a stupid girl.

I doubt many women see themselves for who they really are when they look in the mirror. When I look in the mirror, well sometimes I just don't even recognize who is looking back at me. Can I really be this girl? What happened to who I was in my youth. When I look in the mirror I see what I was robbed of, what I have lost out on. I see a woman who endured some of the most horrific experiences and pretends that she is okay.

So maybe I am making a step forward, because at least I recognize that I am pretending. I am not fully healed, maybe I never will be. Maybe I will set on the shelf with the other damanged goods. Is it possible that I can every feel whole again?

I think it is time for me to visit a doctor, again. I tried it a few times after everything happened, but came to the decision that I didn't need it, that self-healing was better for me. Obviously I am not self-healing, but rather I am ignoring. Tisk Tisk Lindsey, you know better.

Lesson No. 1: Just cause Jenna liked it doesn't mean I do

2009-04-02T07:48:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while I like to throwback to my dating years and reminisce (vomit) about some of the adventures I went on. Again I am reminded that I really want to write a book about dating and the misadventures that one can find. I mean between me and the BFF there are just so many stories. But I digress.

There was one guy I dated who didn't fit into the normal category of scum I attracted. Don't worry, he still was a loser. I am getting to the point. While he may have been a loser he was also a late bloomer. I don't think he lost his virginity until his mid-twenties. Now, I am not bagging on that. In fact, if that is your motive, by all means, POWER TO YA! This is not the point. We had the conversation about virginity losses and such and I remember him saying this "You would never know I was a late bloomer, I watched a lot of porn". I was dumbfounded about this comment.

I took some time and tried to decipher what it was that he was actually saying. I think he was trying to advocate for porn as a learning tool. Sigh. Boys, please sit down and listen closely. Porn is not something to learn by. Ever. I know that you would love it if woman actually liked some of the porn standards. And please understand that I am not speaking for every woman. Just a small majority.

The idea that porn, which is fantasy, can teach you anything about the real world is sad. And this leads me to the real point. This is what is wrong with society. For some reason the idea of talking about sex has become so taboo. Take for instance the state that I live in. Utah. Not too long ago we were rated as the leader in porn love. People were in shock and awe. How could our state, with it's religious background and religious politics ever lead in such a filthy dirty poll?

Might have something to do with the fact that sex is looked at as something dirty. Boys can't ask their fathers about it, sure as hell can't ask their mothers. Can't ask their friends, cause then the friend might tell the bishop to try and save his friend. So the boy hides all of this desires and confusion and finally, when he is alone in the house, goes to the net and finds a wealth of "knowledge" on the subject.

Now we have a boy who has decided that what he sees in porn is the norm. Woman being objectified and demeaned.(I know this isn't always the case, but lets be honest it is for a huge percentage)He thinks women like to be hurt or called names. This becomes his idea of norm. And the cycle continues.

What is my point? That we need to move away from seeing sex as something that is bad and look at it as what it is. Natural. Don't let Jenna teach your children.

Disclaimer **this is in no way saying that porn is bad.

Mom, I have the best news ever

2009-04-01T21:50:00.001-07:00

I was so tempted, because of the festivities of the day, to call my mom and tell her that finally I was carrying her grandchild. The temptation was almost more than I could handle. Luckily I was intelligent enough to realize that it would likely cause some type of cardic disaster. So I decline. Sigh, boring. Really, it almost would have been worth it. It would serve her right for being so nosey.

The sis and I found out on Sunday that our puppy has a tumor. :( Quite sad. Even worse was that the vet we went to on Sunday told us it would cost upwards of $800 to remove it. I won't name names... but it is a chain vet. The only reason we have gone there is the ease factor. We don't operate on normal schedules, Sunday's are our day of errands and pet health.

I called Rexy and asked for her vet, whom she has always loved. I have never met a vet that I love so much. He was fantastic with Louie and made me feel great. To cut to the chase, he told us it would cost $250.

What is so sad is that a Vet would charge so much and feel good about it.

Home Sweet Home

2009-03-11T22:16:00.000-07:00

It has been a long, if not wonderful, week. I am so glad to be home. My Aunt is doing very well and as the doctor said "almost over the hump".

I've slept most of the day, trying to catch up on all the missed hours of sleep.. or the hours spent sleeping on a hard couch in the waiting room. I can't even begin to explain how excited I am to sleep in my own bed... even if it will be filled with two cats who missed me.

I will possibly take weeks to rid the bags underneath my eyes. It looks as if I packed my entire closet there.

And St Louis... what is with the sudden disappreance of BBQ?

Is it only Monday?

2009-03-09T14:21:00.000-07:00

Friday I flew into St Louis with my mom. My Aunt has been having heart problems nearly as long as I can remember. She had a bypass surgery when I was in my early teens. Four years ago she had to have a pacemaker/defib. Then... last year her heart, well it pretty much gave up. She spent countless days in the hospital and we weren't sure she would pull through. She did, miraculously.

Since that time she has been on the heart transplant list, technically what is considered the second list. These are the people that aren't severe enough, but still need a new heart. Last week her heart had another episode of just not wanting to work. She was rushed to Barnes-Jewish Hospital in STL (one of the top place for heart transplants). The outcome was grim. She would either leave with a heart or not leave at all.

My mom decided to come out, see what she could do. No one really knew what was going to happen or how quickly it would. All we knew is while it was horrible that she was in such bad shape, it meant she went up to the first list. She was actually number 2 on that list.

Sometime on Thursday she moved up to spot number one, still we had no idea how long of a process this would be. When my mom and I arrived late Friday we went into see her. She looked better than expected and actually was doing so well that they were thinking of sending her home Monday(today). That was a scary thought but all we wanted was what was best.

We had a late dinner and then proceeded back to the apartment. My mom and I, still on Utah time, didn't get to bed until after midnight. I was half-awaken by the sound of some phone but didn't fully register anything until my mom came running into the room "They have a heart, THEY HAVE A HEART". I shot out of bed before she could get the second part out. I threw on a bra and shoes and we were ready to go. The call came in at 3:03am. We were at the Hospital by 3:15. I was able to get three woman, well over the age of 50, in the car and to the hospital in less than 15 minutes. Let me tell you, it is no easy task. Especially since I had never driven to the hospital before.

It was a potential heart and we didn't know until just before 5am that it was a match. She was in surgery by 5:15am and out almost 7 hours later. The surgery went as well as could be expected. Things have been slow since. At first the heart wasn't working like they wanted, so they kept her sedated, to give her body time to do it's thing.

As it stands today, she is doing well. They just took her off the ventilator and plan on slowly weening her off the pain med, which she apparently wasn't very thrilled with (and who can blame her). Her kidneys and liver aren't doing 100% (which is actually pretty normal). So the news isn't stellar, but it isn't horrible.

I would like to thank:

Jennifer at BJH, for being a wonderful case-worker. She has put us up in a temp housing unit for people pre & post transplant. It cost next to nothing, is fairly close to the hospital, and has a kitchen.

Barb and Daniel, two of my Aunt's nurses. They are extraordinary people and make me question whether I should have been a nurse (I thought about it, a lot, when I was younger)

The STL police, or hopefully. I ran a few lights on the way to the hospital, and you happen to have cameras out here (stupid!). So when you see that license plate... try to refrain.

And to all the people who have sent me thoughts and prayers. It has been a long few days (feels like a week) and it makes it a little easier to here from you.

Hugs and kisses!

DONATE ORGANS! ;)

Dear Lord

2009-02-24T17:46:00.001-08:00

I know that it has been more than a few days since I last took the time to speak with you. I think the most recent conversation we had was me begging for your help and guidance as I went through the many trials of my ex-husband. You pulled through, you gave me the support and assistance I so desperately needed. I cherished the insight and reflection you helped me achieve.

Since that time I have come closer to understanding exactly what defines my relationship with you. I learned that it isn’t defined by me going to church every Sunday or giving you a certain percentage of my salary. You don’t truly care about those things. You are interested in a personal relationship with me, one that signifies that sacrifices that you made. And I understand this and treasure it.

You don’t cause me to feel guilt or regret. You help me learn from my mistakes and seek the forgiveness I need from those who can give it to me. You don’t expect me to be perfect, but hope that I will lead by example. I don’t feel that you judge me to the harsh level that those around me do. You love me for who I am, no questions ask. You may not agree with all the choices I make or the paths I chose to follow, but your love for me never falters.

I never question whether or not you will be there for me the next time I need you. I never worry that I haven’t done enough good deeds or bowed my head enough times. I know that there aren’t specific requirements for me to be worthy of your love. I just have to be me and believe that you are you.

You don’t fault me for not being perfect, in fact, you relish in the small imperfections that make me who I am. You have never expected me to be someone else. You love me, every moment, without hesitation, just for being the person I am.

Jesus, I don’t hate you, but I am having a hard time loving those who use your name to spew hate. I want so badly to believe that there is good in every one, but the words spoken with true vindication make this task near impossible. How can I love a person who uses your name to sponsor their war of hatred and animosity towards another one of your children? How can we, as a race of humans, not love all of our brothers and sisters?

Lord, this is why I have moved away from religion speaking in your name. The message has been tainted; the seed is no longer growing. This world is using your name in vain, in the worst way possible. You love all of your children, with out question. But there are many people out there using your name and your word to rationalize violence, bigotry, and inequality.

I know, in my heart and the deep sorrows of my soul, that this is not your intention. I know, with severe strength, that you love everyone and ask us to do the same. I will continue to believe in you and the message that you have given this world. However, I can no longer support or believe in the people that use your name and word to substantiate their negativity and abhorrence upon my sisters and brothers.

The wonder of it all

2009-02-19T23:13:00.000-08:00

I came on to myspace quite late in the game... and even later with facebook. Sure there are wonderful things about this whole social networking craze... I met the wonderful BFF and found some friends that I hadn't seen in years (MLo).

But these sites, where we can find people we haven't seen in over a decade, well the have a sense of wonder about them. I am now talking to people I haven't conversed with since my mouth was full of wire. These are people that I had completely written off, people I actually wouldn't give a passing thought to.

It is a normal part of life to move one. Talk to your parents, you might be surprised at how few people they went to high school with are still in their lives. But these days it is normal to have a weekly "wall-to-wall" with some guy who was best friends with the guy you dated when you were 15.

I am a nostalgic person, I actually enjoy this. And part of that may come from the mass amount of friends I had growing up. I moved around, a lot, and found myself meeting new people and making new friends more often than the average teenager. So in my life time I have known more people than your average Jane. And for the most part, after I moved I moved on.

And if it weren't for the wonderful world of the Internet, chances are that I never would have spoken another word to any of these people. Instead I get that opportunity, the chance to say "remember when we were 14 and..." with out the internet, or with out online social networking, I wouldn't have that chance.

And with this comes the obvious wonderment of where would I be now if I hadn't left. Would I be in a different place, would I be a different person? Am I better now then I would've been. Would I have married a loser? Would I have taken ten years to finish school?

All these questions run through my mind. Thankfully I can say that regardless if I am here or there, I have a life to be proud of. Part of that is thanks to the people that have graced me, then... and now.

The List Begins

2009-02-17T18:56:00.000-08:00

Currently I am taking my last official class for my MBA. I say official because I still have two more classes so I will have a certification for Master Level Marketing... But those classes, I will love, I will cherish. The current class which I have deemed HELL, I can't wait for it to be over. I shouldn't have saved Advanced Managerial Finance for last, I just should have bitten the bullet.

So I am going to start the list, the list of things I will do when I actually have free time. Top of that list, Don't sign up for more shit that takes time. I tend to over-extend myself, I like to be busy... and seem to be incapable of finding the line between busy and crazy.

I also want to do nothing educational. I want to read what I want to read, not what I have to read. I want to finally finish painting my room. I want to get the kitchen remodel done. I want to paint away all the ugly ass colors in this house. I want to fix all the half-assed shit in this house.

And I want to have time to spend with the people I love... uninterrupted time. Time where I am not worried about what I have pushed aside. I just want to breath.

And possibly drink, lots.

The Missing Iron

2009-02-17T09:10:00.001-08:00

For the last few weeks I have been slowly going insane looking for my iron. No, I didn't hit the BFF in the face with it. I just coulnd't find it. Which is weird since my ironing board is right there.

Last night I woke up from a weird ass dream and looked at my dresser. There it was in plain fucking site.

So either A) I am going crazy or B) The Trolls are back.

I vote for the Trolls. Fuckers make my life misreable.

Position Downgrade

2009-01-27T21:27:00.000-08:00

BFF no more.

I can't refer to him as a best friend forever any longer. He is now just a best friend.

It is tragedy. Shakespeare couldn't have wrote a better one. I am not being dramatic at all. This is a life changing event.

The former BFF (as he will be referred to going forward) and I tell each other everything. And when I say everything I don't mean discussions about bowel functions, well at least not on a regular basis. When I say everything I mean all of the important things. This includes are love life. Actually our love life is one of the major things we discuss.

If you know me or the former BFF you know that the trials and journeys we have experienced are stories that may be impossible to top. Regardless of how embarrassing something is, we share it.

There was one time I didn't want to tell him something. Once. And holding out lasted all of five minutes. All he had to do was say "friends don't make secrets and secrets don't make friends". I caved quicker then a hooker looking for a fix.

I know, through a series of short texts, that he is dating someone new. Now, normally within a few dates we have full disclosure. I know everything he knows about the person and vice-verse. The first person a potential significant other meets is the BFF and again, vice-verse. We have both faced battles with partners. Apparently some people don't think a man and woman can be just friends, but that is another story for another time.

So... I was talking to him the other night and asked about her, since he had neglected to tell me about her. And guess what. HE WONT TELL ME ANYTHING ABOUT HER. I know, gasp! Nothing. Not a single small insignificant detail. Sigh.

This is unexpected and unacceptable. I even tried the "friends don't make secrets and secrets don't make friends" technique. Nothing. So I decided to play the guilt card.... "I hope I don't die tonight and you have to live with the guilt of not telling me". He didn't cave. Nope. Instead he made ME feel guilty with "If you die tomorrow I will have more worries than guilt". Sigh. Fine. He loves me blah blah blah. Fucker still won't tell me.

Now I think it is a game. He won't tell me because he knows it is driving me closer to mad. Which is a nice play.

So until he tells me... he is the former BFF.

Thinking

2009-01-12T13:50:00.000-08:00

What do you do when you love someone but have to say good bye? Is there an answer to that. I will apologize ahead, blogs for the next little while will be reflective and depressive.

Only one other time in the history of my dating life did I manage this extrodinary feat. I was very young and I think that made it easier. You'd think these things come with age.

Love is such a great thing, an experienced that makes all the pain in our lives worth it. But love can't be forced, it can't be manipulated. It has to be given freely, and without strings. Love with condition is not healthy.

Sometimes that type of love isn't there anymore. So how do you say good bye to it, how do you walk away?

I don't know how. I don't know how to walk away with out losing part of myself again. And I have worked so hard to get to this point in my life. Maybe in that work I did something wrong.

Baby it's cold outside

2008-12-30T08:24:00.000-08:00

And for your information, it is still cold inside. I am going to take a gander and say that my company has decided to cut costs by freezing us out. Maybe there is a hope that people will quit because it is so damn cold in here.I have news for them... I won't be one of those people. I am on to their game.

I am leaving for Vegas tomorrow.... I get to celebrate New Years somewhere other than SLC. It is a treat. And maybe this is the naivity in me.... but I assumed Vegas would be warm. Nope. As of now they are only 10 measly degress warmer than us. I want more then that!

I did break out one of my wonderful Christmas gifts....

Now I no longer have to spend WAY too much money going to Beans and Brew. I can make my own mocha or latte. Now... way back in my days I worked at a place where I had to make these fancy drinks all the time. So last night as I try it out for the first time I just stare at the machine, unsure of what to do. Apparently making fancy coffee is not like riding a horse.

I will leave you with a nice tid-bit

Rex: Ok I did... I lied... I like the buzz
Bob: I bet you do
Bob: Whore!
Rex: Who you calling whore?
Bob: Um, hello... I am not the one who is pregnant, so obviously you
Rex: haha, no that just means you are frigid and cold hearted

Sigh... Rex is right. Bob is such a frigid bitch

Welcome Back Kotter

2008-12-29T07:21:00.000-08:00

It is freezing in my office. When I say freezing I mean my nose is cold and I have to continue typing just to keep my fingers warm. Now like any responsible building, our heat is turned low over the weekend, especially long weekends. Every Monday I go through this exact same thing, I freeze. So explain to me why it is that if we are intelligent enough to turn down the heat we can't turn it up in enough time for above freezing temperatures when people come to work?

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas (or other Holiday). I must say I am glad it is over. As much as I enjoy shopping for people, baking cookies, and having long weekends... I am ready to get back to the grind. I was finally able to dig into the cleaning that I have avoided doing since I was sick. Have you ever had cleaning that needed to be done so badly that you put it off? Then when you finally get to it you have to make a mess to clean up? It blows. But now the front room and kitchen look liveable.

And the snow. Dear god. I wanted desperately to be any where but here. I can't remember the last time we had this much snow... wait I can. It was back in 2004. I was on the couch in my apartment Christmas Day, still recovering from surgery. I looked outside and thought how lucky I was to not be in the car on the way to Nebraska. My brother decided to be helpful and clear the driveway for my dad. What we learned was that it was a two person battle. I should have been the one to move the car, my brother managed to get it stuck. But thanks to my wonderful ability to retain useless knowledge I remembered a little blip I saw on the weather channel. They were discussing being prepared for road trips in the winter. "Keep a back of kitty litter in your car". Now don't be silly. It isn't in case you find a stranded kitten, but to give your tires something to grip on when you're stuck. That and a good push and we were done.

Can you believe this crap? Jeff and I finally gave it up after we realized in the fight with mother nature.... We were getting our asses kicked!

Well, I should probably get back to my hectic schedule of busy work. Don't fear that I will freeze to death... I found a space heater.

Female Band Seeks Drummer

2008-12-19T07:18:00.000-08:00

No, I haven't deleted my myspace page yet. I intend to... I don't even think I've logged in. See, this is why I will delete it.

It is official. Meow Meow Thievery rocks. This is the official name of the new and improved band that Halls, Morgie and I rock with. We are sans drummer but make up for it with our awesome rendetion of One Way or Another. I love Blondie. And to be honest (cause I always am), we sucked it at Blondie. Could be because we were exhausted and my left wrist was starting to swell. We should solicit a drummer. I suspect it should be another female.

Halls is the whore of the group, rocking in a short skirt showing her chonies. And she is known to girrate when we finish a song. Surprising to anyone? I think not! As for Morgie and I, were are less whorish and more talented. Wait! Hall is making up for her lack of talent by being the whore. Ah Ha. Kidding, Halls is not a whore. Her RB character is.

We only play once a week, if that. So in spite of the lack of practice we still rock. ;)

Where do we live again?

2008-12-16T07:54:00.000-08:00

Utah, a place of many wonders. And... in case some of you were unaware, it snows here. Every single year we get snow. I know, shock and awe. Not as bad as other areas, but moderately bad. So.... explain to me why it is a surprise? I know we get a few new people into the state every year, but the amount of Utard drivers is amazing to me. My morning commute sucked! What normally takes me 20 minutes too well over an hour. Why? Because people don't understand how to drive in the snow.

Lesson for all of you, just because you have a truck, just because you have 4-wheel drive.... DOESN'T mean you can drive fast. Trucks have little weight in the back making for an excellent spinning tool. 4-wheel drive is for rough terrain, not to stop from sliding on a sheet of ice. I digress.

And how is it that it was snowing when I got up at 6 and an hour later when I was leaving there still wasn't a plow to be seen? I know that our taxes go to something... pretty sure plows are part of that.

And this guy? He's effin crazy!

The end of an era

2008-12-15T23:20:00.000-08:00

I was a late comer to the game of social networking. I think I was about 24 when I first heard of myspace. Forgive me for me inability to stay on top of fads, I was worried about other things...

But oh the wonderful things that myspace gave me. There is the good, I was reaquainted with MLo, actually in all honestly I am not entierly sure if that was how we started talking again. I met the BFF randomly, while I couldn't sleep. If I had been functioning normally I never would have replied and where would I be now? With out wonderful stories about the Iron-Welding-Bridge-Troll and BiPolar Girl. I found some fantastic blog buddies and developed great friendships, via the net. Although two of them I have met.

Then there was the bad, like that one irish mucisian guy.... the breast feeding blog (she deleted it otherwise I would have linked it), people that didn't agree with some of my more opinionated blogs. And the ugly... Like Cheetos (WORST MISTAKE EVER), the EEEEEEEEEEEE guy, and other random people that I could have never met.

And now.... Well.... I don't really like myspace. I am on maybe once a week. I quit blogging there. I quit most of it. I just don't like it any more. It has gotten... well trival. That or I have just grown up. I miss the conversations, the silly comments, reading all the blogs. But the site just doesn't do it for me anymore.

So I get ready to wave a farwell. The only thing that makes me sad is losing all the wonderful correspondence. Some of the funniest things I have ever read were sent to me on myspace.... Check out time is now.

My Christmas Wish

2008-12-15T23:10:00.000-08:00

In all honestly I don't even know what I really want for Christmas. World peace, an end to poverty and hunger, equality for everyone (this means even the gays, thanks again scum in Cali), no more homeless pets (Bob Barker is a god, listen to him, spay and neuter your pets and quit buying pets from breeders)... But those concepts are ones that we all should wish for.. okay the breeder one may not be on everyone's list.

I love Christmas, I love shopping for people (yes I know, how very commercial of me). There is something about the face a reciepent makes when they open your gift, it is just wonderful. I love sending cards out. Although this year instead of wishes of ass smacking and highly inappropriate notes to the BFF I will send nice loving cards. Except to MLo, pretty sure his mentions something about hoping that he is alive.

I just realized that I am going to have to post two blogs. Because there is something else I want to tie in to hear that just isn't going to work for this blog.

I have been debating what to get the co-workers, and I have finally settled... instead of a gift I plan on making a donations to The Road Home and the YWCA. I encourage everyone to open their hearts and their pocket books (wow, what a quaint little line). Even if all you can afford is $10, go to the grocery store, bargin shop and spend ten dollars on non-perishable food items and take them to the food bank. If you really can't afford anything, I know times are hard, call up The Road Home, The YWCA, or any other shelter and ask how you can donate your time.

Tis the season for giving, so give to those who have fallen on hard times. There are more people than you know who are one paycheck away from being homeless.

Hugs and Kisses and Holiday Wishes,

Linds

This may come as a surprise

2008-12-08T09:03:00.000-08:00

I HATE the Utah Humane Society. And when I say hate, I really really mean it. Now, don't get your panties in a twist. I am a firm supporter of adoption. I have two cats that were adopted and we also adopted our dog. And my parents have adopted animals our entire life. I am always for adoption. But the Utah Humane Society... well if I had sweaty balls I would tell them to lick them.

After I had Cleo for a few months I decided it was a good idea to get another kitten so she had someone to play with. I of course went straight to the Utah Humane Society. I found an adorable little kitten, spent close to an hour playing with. I then spent close to three hours waiting and going through an interview process (where they ask way too many completely insignificant questions). Then another 30 minutes of waiting to only hear "Oh, we're sorry... there is actually a wait list for this kitten". WHAT. My answer "This is ridiculous, you better be very happy that I don't have a child with me." Because how would I have explained to little Susy or Tommy that the cat they had fallen in love with and spent half the day with wasn't going to he theirs?

When my sister wanted to adopt she went to the Country shelter because I told her under no circumstances was she allowed to go to the humane society. She walked out and hour later with her cat.

The following story is something that has unnerved me to such an extent that I am thinking of writing a letter (and it didn't even happen to me).

A guy at my office got his daughter a cocker spaniel puppy. The next day they had to rush his daughter (I think she is 5) to the ER. She was in the ICU with what the doctors thought was an allergic reaction to the dog. He did the only thing he could do, he sadly gave the puppy to the Humane Society. He knew that they would be able to find a purebred cocker spaniel puppy a home in no time. The next day the doctor's discovered what was wrong with his daughter and it wasn't the dog. He went back to the Humane Society first thing and explained the situation, along with a note from the doctor. They refused to give him the dog back.

So a girl that works with me heard the story and her and her husband thought "well we want another dog". So she goes to the Humane Society the next day and goes through all the same crap I did. Because the dog had only been there for two days they weren't able to release her right away. So two days later, after not hear back, she called and finally was able to get ahold of someone. The person at the Humane Society said "we noticed on your applications that you have a daughter". Yes they do, she is two years old "well there is someone here who is very familiar with the breed and say they are known for biting young children, they aren't a family friendly breed". WHAT?

Okay. My blood was boiling. I don't think I've been this upset in forever. I had a cocker growing up, my grandma had multiple cockers (my mom grew up with them). I have a cocker now. My parents have a cocker. Their cocker was my BFF's old cocker and he had cockers growing up.

Cocker spaniels are some of the best family dogs ever. They are extremely loyal and loving.

My friend is going to write the humane society a letter. Because I guarantee you that someone there wanted the dog.

So for those of you who are thinking of adopting an animal, please don't go to the Humane Society. Check out the Salt Lake County Shelter and the many city shelters around.

Thanks to you, a little late

2008-12-04T07:09:00.001-08:00

The other day I was having a conversation with someone I work with. She was telling me about all the craziness that is her family, all the drama that are her friends.

I had to step back for a minute. It is times like these that I am reminded that I have a lot to be thankful for. There are very few people that are blessed with the family dynamic that I have. How many people can live with a sibling at my age? How many people consider their sister their best friend? How many people look forward to spending time with their parents? (Unless of course it is shopping with my mom, I never look forward to that). I have a kick ass family. Sometimes I am just reminded of how that isn't the norm. Which is too bad. I wish everyone could have the same.

I also have some of the best friends in the world. And I can appreciate that. There was a time when the friends I had weren't that great. The BFF is fantastic. We were driving home from the airport (his flight was late, again) and some how we got on the conversation of significant others meeting people. "You are always the first person they meet, then my brother... if they can past those two tests they are golden". It is the same for me... You meet the BFF first, if you pass that test, then you meet the family. Then there is Rexy Poo. I am rarely prouder of anyone. She has had some very hard times, but like me, chose not to dwell and become a victim, but be a survivor.

Then there is the BF, who is just fantastic. He doesn't put up with my random shit (I try to work with him on that, but he seems to be quite stubborn). He makes me laugh, and he makes my stomach flutter.

So that is what I am thankful for, the wonderful people in my life. I am glad after all of these years I am able to surround myself with people who compliment me and add to my life.

Oh yeah... I rarely have naughty dreams... rarely. So when they come on they are usually quite random and suprising... this one was the most random and surprising ever. Tisk Tisk.

God hates me, and maybe Jesus too

2008-12-01T09:24:00.000-08:00

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. Mine was fantastic, even though I lost the game of dominoes. And don't go getting all jealous. Yes my family plays dominoes. It is fantastic.

Why is it that certain exes follow me around? I mean I have one ex in my life that I am fine with, it is by choice... but the annoying ones that kind of just show up..

Dear god, please quit sending reminders of my past in the form of losers to me. I am aware that I made some poor decisions in my quest to prove things to myself and others. Is it necessary to send Reagan, the bigamist to my desk? Can't we just let bygones be bygones?

And Jesus, talk to your dad. Remind him that you love me. Kay? Thanks!

Hugs and kisses,
Me

At least I look kick ass today.

And the conversation since you asked so nicely

Reagan: I thought that was you, how are you.
Me: Great.
Reagan: Oh, well I'm doing good too.
Me: That's great
Reagan: Wow, you're just too talkative
Me: Oh I'm sorry, were we going to pretend to like each other? I thought we covered this when you stalked me at Beans
Reagan: I didn't stalk you. I just saw your car there
Me: So you stalked me
Reagan: I just wanted to say hi and see how you are
Me: Well that has been accomplished. Now if you don't mind I am rather busy this morning.
Reagan: God you always were a bitch
Me: Only to fuckers.
Reagan: You were the one that broke my heart
Me: We dated for like two months, give it up. Can't you go find one of your multiple wives and cry on her shoulder. Seriously this isn't the time nor is it the place. In fact this conversation doesn't need to be had.
Reagan: Maybe I will stop by your place and we can talk then.
Me: Do it. I'd love to test out my mace, I haven't had the chance to use it in so long.
Reagan: Like you would
Me: Try me
Reagan: Well I guess I should leave
Me: Probably
Reagan: Talk to you later
Me: Probably not

Yes... Claire got a huge kick out of it

And this is why

2008-11-16T17:06:00.000-08:00

Me: I know you are a closet lover of ANTM
BF: Not even close, I have a better chance of marrying my ex-wife
Me: Which one?
Me: Oh SNAP
BF: At least I divorced them in a timely manner
BF: almost a whole presidental term went by for yours
Me: Nice

And we are hillarious

Tisk Tisk

2008-11-14T13:58:00.000-08:00

Did I mention that yesterday after realizing that I am finaly free I got myself a little present? Well I did. It was a toss up. I really thought about finishing my tattoo. The first part of it I got done after I ended my marriage, the second part after I healed from what happened... it seemed fitting to get the final part done as I closed the chapter. And I will. But that isn't my present to me. This is

And I noticed that the picture makes my fingers look fat... which they aren't. I love the ring and feel it was money well spent. I love it more than my wedding ring, which I also paid for. Fancy that.

And tisk tisk to whoever is using threats and violence against the LDS church. I am infuriated with the church's involvement, but intimidation and acts of violence are not the answer. You have made yourself look worse then they have and given the entire cause a bad name.

Time to celebrate

2008-11-13T13:12:00.000-08:00

Once I am no longer knocking on deaths door. Has anyone else contracted this nasty cold? I am pretty use to being sick, so it takes a lot to knock me out. This one has knocked me out cold.

But.... onto the celebration

As of October 28th, 2008... I am officially a single woman. I can now take my last name back, legally. It is such a wonderful feeling, knowing that the last tie I had to the worst part of my life is over.

Yes it took a long time... but it is so worth it. I was wondering if I ever actually would be divorced.

Thanks to all of those who have said we need to celebrate... you are right. I could throw one huge party... but I think I will let all of you take me out on your own. Hey.... three nights of drinking vs one... I'm not stupid.

Cept... No red wine. ;)

Equal Rights are not Different Rights

2008-11-12T12:40:00.000-08:00

It wasn't too long ago that this nation went through the extreme process of desegregating. After years of seeing blacks as second class citizens this country finally made the decisions that "all men are created equal" didn't mean all men accept for those black ones.

So why is it that today, in our supposed informed times, we are going through the same type of segregation?

The passing of Prop 8 in California was much publicized. And for those of you that aren't aware... it wasn't the first such ban, nor will it likely be the last. But it was the first time that Utah's own LDS church became publically involved. The church solicited it's members to make donations.

Now the laws on being tax exempt actually do allow this, what isn't allowed is the endorsement of a specific candidate running for office. So what the church did is legally okay.

Funny thing about laws, they may make things legal, but they can't make them right.

Thursday evening my dear friend said to me "I am sick of all this news on prop 8, it passed, get over it". Now... I was surprised to hear this from her, because her father is gay. But I know where she is coming from. How defeating must it be to know that there are a majority of people in a state that feel that her father doesn't deserve the same rights as she? My response was that you should fight, never stop fighting.

What the church did was morally wrong. In their attempt to keep the "moral integrity" of marriage they solicited a campaign of hate. A campaign of bigotry. They asked their members to deny people of the same rights that they experience. Thank you LDS church for showing your true colors. In addition thanks to all the other congregations that are attempting to keep the sanctity of marriage. You all of shown exactly why it is that I don't attend church.

Sanctity of marriage, now if that isn't an oxy-moron in this day I don't know a better one. How is allowing two men (or two women) who have been together for a decade the right to marry breaking this? When we allow people to get married drunk in Vegas, and annul it 48 hours later? Where is the sanctity in that? Or how about the marriages between a man and a woman that end after months or even a year? I can say, with absolute honesty, my marriage wasn't one of sanctity.

Oh... but if we allow gay marriages then churches have to perform it? Really. Fuck me, that has to be true, cause you said it was. That is why the LDS church lets anyone get married in the temple. And they let woman hold the preisthood. That is why my parents church allows women to be pastors. Oh wait.... they don't? Well... they have to, cause of equality and all.

The end point of this is that we obviously haven't learned from our countries history. Equal rights do not mean different rights. So thanks LDS church and California for stripping citizens of their equal rights.

And the rally and protest on Friday....

It was fantastic. The turnout was triple what people thought it would be. There we stood; gay, straight, bi.... families, fathers, mothers, grandmothers, teenagers, single adults... all in agreement. My god loves all of us. My god doesn't discriminate. Keep your church out of our bedrooms. Equality will prevail.

Three years three weeks and five days later

2008-10-23T13:48:00.000-07:00

I just found out that all my divorce paperwork is final. Now all I need is for the judge to sign off and I get my decree.

It is such a great feeling. I can't even begin to explain it. I am just free, and lighter, and happier, and just better. I am whole again.

And now when the fucker calls me for whatever fucked up reason... I can ignore him. I don't have to pretend to be nice or caring. I don't need anything else from him now. I could care less if he has no friends, has diabetes or drinks/snorts himself to death. It isn't my problem anymore. In all honesty it hasn't been my problem since he was forced to leave, but I have had to do my best to remain semi-pleasant so that this could be taken care of.

Hopefully the BF doesn't lose interest now that I am no longer going to be a married woman. ;) Now we can run to vegas and get married.

Young and wet or old and smelly?

2008-10-22T18:51:00.001-07:00

I consider myself, and many would agree (or suffer some excruciating form of torture), that I am a fairly educated and active person when it comes to politics. I remember the first debate I ever watched (meaning payed attention to). I was 20, Bush was running against Gore. I was up at my current boyfriends dorm room sitting in the family room with his bff, Justin. Now why, you ask, was your boyfriend there. Well kiddos, it is a story that involves lies and Mexico and some girl. ;) But not the point.

Actually, what was the point?

I hate this election. I hate the ads, I don't like either candidate too much. I am just SICK of it all. I can't wait for it to be over.

And that makes me sick. Because I really do care. I get involved and stay informed. But this time.... there is nothing exciting going on. On the one hand we have a very inexperienced person who has some great ideas. On the other hand we have an old geezer who meets my fiscal requirements a little better. Ugh. Why did McCain pick Palin? I, the democrat I am may be voting republican if he had a better running mate.

And WTF, The Sox lose to last years worst team? Tisk Tisk. Shows what money gets you, and it isn't heart.

Get off my ass, that's what he said

2008-10-15T09:50:00.000-07:00

This morning marks the second morning in a row where I almost rear-ended someone on 215. Sigh. I am normally not the type of driver that has these issues... but for some reason the last two mornings traffic has been worse than normal and I can't get the fuck out of the right lane. Every time I try to navigate my way out I end up slamming on my breaks as to not car fuck the person in front of me.

Maybe I should start leaving for work on time rather than 15 minutes later than I normally do.

Maybe I should go to bed at a decent hour so that I am not dragging ass in the morning.

Off to visit my favorite stylist and let her work wonders with my dull hair.

I'm pregnant, pass the broccoli

2008-10-14T08:32:00.000-07:00

I called my mother yesterday to share some exciting news with her.

"Hey Mom, guess what"
"You're pregnant"
"Um, no"

So she snickered, meaning that she knew she did something funny and wanted acknowledgement of that fact. Ha. Tables are turning.

"I can't get pregnant mom"
"What do you mean"
"I don't have sex"
"Yes you do"
"No mom, I don't"
"Um, well. Really?"

Ha. Got her. Seriously, why does my mom worry about me not having sex? Shouldn't she be a typical mother and worry about me actually having it. Such is the world of my mother.

"So you're not pregnant"
"Mom, no"
"Okay, I guess I will die with no grandchildren"
"Overdramatic much"
"I'm getting old"
"Mother, you are 58, not 80, there is plenty of time for baby making"

This conversation,. or one similiar to it, occurs frequently. My mom wants little bambinos, and she doesn't care if the are unwanted and/or illegitimate.

The BFF is so right... Thanksgiving, we will see how they like it.

Quote this

2008-10-13T15:25:00.000-07:00

Maybe more people will read this if... actually I have no idea what to do to gain readership. Occasionally I get depressed when my failing celebrity status is shoved in my face. Yes, I was, for a short while, a celebrity in the baby blog world (myspace). Any of you who remember that time may very well remember the breast feeding blog... where I got my teat... er... feet wet.

Alas, I have no popularity here. None.What.So.Ever.

That's okay. I will continue to write for myself, because, and you can quote me, I am the funniest bitch I know.

Onto something more interesting. I purchased and XBOX 360, and was quickly reminded as to why I had not done so earlier. 1. Way to confusing for a simple gal like me.
2. Gates wants to rape me by charging for extras that aren't really extras but necessities. 3. It is a blackhole for time, it sucks it and sucks it and never gives it back.

Old Lace and Arsenic and the Foxy Moxyzz... yeah those are two of the pseudo-bands that have been created. I have learned that the drums can be fun. And that Halls sucks at literally every single thing, but that really isn't new news. Oh Snap.

In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends

2008-10-13T14:56:00.000-07:00

I heard something interesting today on NPR. In all actuality I hear many interesting things on NPR, which is why I renewed my membership, again. Shame to those that didn't. ;)

The guest on the show was Ted Koppel, who has just done a piece for the Discovery channel on a lynching that took place... not in the 50's or even 60's...but in 1981. To be fair, the show is more about how racism and lynching specifically have affected people.

I will tune in for the show because it intrigues me. But what I really found interesting is the idea that if Obama is elected there are a number of people that think that is a sign that racism is ceasing in America.

Um. Hello. What America do you live in? Racism is all around us. I see it everyday. Here in the state of Zion... there is a perverse racism against Hispanics. Because, of course, all Hispanics are illegals. Silly me.

All across this country there is racism against those of the Islamic fate. Because, of course, they all are going to commit a jihad.

It is utterly disillusioning yourself to believe that Obama being elected (if) has anything to do with us moving past racism in this country. I can only wish, hope and dream for that day. But I fear I won't see it in my life time.

Actually I fear we will never see it. I think racism will always be abundant. Racism is for the weak. And the weak are always looking for ways to make themselves feel superior. But for racism to completely dissipate... I just don't see that possibility.

But... that doesn't mean that we give up, or that we stand still. Just because I (or you) fear that racism will always exist doesn't mean we turn a blind eye. If anything it means we should fight harder.

I leave you with these words

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy" -MLK

Thank you, with love

2008-10-08T09:04:00.001-07:00

For the most part I am a pretty liberal person. I do have limits to my liberal nature. I am not for a socialistic society. I am not a red-loving communist. I don't hate religion. I don't think that there should be a carte blanche pass on abortion. I don't think that those who have worked very hard for what they have should be taxed at a higher rate, for any reason.

So maybe, after all of that, I am not a liberal person as much as I am a middle of the road person. I am not going to talk about socialism today, because that will take far longer than I wanted to dedicate.

Bill Maher. Hate him. Always have. Thanks Mr. Maher, for becoming more of an idiot than Michael Moore.

The hypocrisy that surrounds him is unbelievable to me. He doesn't like religion. Fine. I don't really find myself very found of the organization myself. I also don't like ketchup, Mondays, stinky socks and loud farts. I don't jump on any possible reason to demean the people that do like those things. Sure, a joke here and there, but to make a entire movie poking fun at people that believe in something.

Wow. Maybe he didn't get enough hugs as a child.

Okay. Yes, there are many thing that have been done in the name of religion, some really poor choices. But there have also been many good things. I would also say that there have been just as many things done, poorly, in the name of a nation or love. So why pick on religion?

This is my problem with atheists. They can't just leave shit alone. Since they believe that there is nothing, no god, no higher power... they have to shit on anyone that does. Well guess what? You may be right, but you don't know it. Big Bang Theory. It is a theory, which means, it isn't proven. Isn't that the favorite argument? That there is no proof of god? Hmmm.

So Mr Maher, and other atheists out there. Believe what you want, please, I beg you to have that. But do not demean me or other people because their beliefs aren't the same. You have just put yourself in the same bucket as those you are against.

I will be rich

2008-10-03T14:06:00.000-07:00

I am an adult. Certifiably. There is no contesting it. In fact, I have been an adult for ten years, at least by the law.

So someone explain to me why in the hell I still can't manage to take all my vitamins with out gagging?

Actually scratch that. This isn't my fault. It isn't natural to swollow something that large. (Peanut gallery, please refrain from making any comments in regards to my ability (or in this case dis) to swollow). Instead it is the fault of those who make the damn pills.

Seriously. Is it necessary that they are so large? I mean lets take the BC, a pill that prevents me from carrying a life for nine months, it is tiny. Sometimes I even wonder if I actually swollowed it. So why do our vitamins have to be so large.

Are the companies trying to make us feel better. Maybe they are thinking that we, the simple humans we are, will look at the pill and think "hey, this is huge, it must contain lost of vitamins and be very good for me". Pffft. Can anyone say conspiracy?

Who knows what they are thinking. Also, why do they have to be so chalky. H-E-L-L-O, let me introduce you to the gel cap, it is wonderful. Hmmm... actually forget you read this. Just look for small gel-cap vitamins in the near future. And buy them. You love me and will make me rich.

Rotting Oyster

2008-09-03T22:31:00.000-07:00

Before I go into the actual blog... I must say this. WHAT IS WRONG WITH DRIVERS? I had to drive to Idaho for work today, which means I spent close to 7 hours just driving. But since I was in my nifty new car that has satellite radio... it wasn't too bad. What I wanted to do was throw something at the cars that were riding the left lane. Okay people... little lesson in driving etiquette. You DO NOT ride in the left lane. You PASS in the left lane. When you ride in that lane you fuck up my cruise control. And as cruise and I had a long separation I didn't appreciate the multiple interruptions.

So on to the big stuff.

Shelly sent me an email yesterday. Apparently we didn't miss our 10 year reunion. Someone called her parents house trying to get ahold of her. Um... hello? Where the fuck was my call? I was much more popular. ;) Kidding. But I am pissed no one called me.

10 fucking years. So where was I ten years ago? Well the world was my oyster. I was given a choice by my parents. I chose to stay in Utah and go to school. I was madly in love with a person I assumed was the "happily ever after". I had just started a new job. I was getting ready to attend a great college. I was living with my parents and had just got a new car. I wasn't talking to my best friend, we had a falling out over a guy. But I was happy. And I was skinny.

So where am I now?

Well I am older, much older. People call me ma'am. I don't always get an id check when I purchase beer. I have gray hair... lots and lots of gray hair. I am living with my sister. I just bought me a brand spanking new car that I love. I have a job that I love. I am with "happily ever after". I am just a few classes shy of my MBA. And I am barely talking to my previously mentioned best friend. I have the most fantastic friend ever. I am happy. Just not so skinny.

So the title is rotting oyster. Because... well... my oyster stunk. What transpired in these ten years to get me where I am now was hard. Failed relationship after failed relationship. I went through a horrible marriage. Shelly and I had another falling out, again, sort of over a guy. This time it was close to unrepairable. I worked for years in a job I loved but was underpaid and under appreciated. I lost who I am.

I am not, not even for a mili-second, complaining. Everything I went through made me who I am today. If it weren't for the failed relationships I wouldn't know what I want and deserve and I wouldn't be able to see that in the BF. If Shelly and I hadn't have parted ways I never would have met the BFF. I am living with my sister, and at times that is trying, but mostly I love it. I am finally in a job that I love and excel out (okay... I excelled at the other too). And Shelly and I are slowly building a friendship. It is different and it is refreshing.

I guess the moral of this story is that the world may be an oyster... but you don't have to settle for the first one you get. If it starts to smell funky, throw it away and get a new one.

Hatred

2008-08-23T23:59:00.000-07:00

It's time for me to vent.... and instead of giving you multiple vent blogs I will get all of it out in one silly little thing.

I hate when incompetent people manage to act competent enough to get a job. And they stay just long enough to royally fuck things up. I have no issue picking up the slack. I am a team player and I know stepping up will beneift me. But... it sucks that it is now when my own work load is horinduous and when school is out of control. I just want to take some time off.... from everything.

I hate when people believe, and I mean BELIEVE, that they are better than everyone else. You are a no-good-peice-of-shit-excuse. Take your attitude and shove it. I actually felt sorry for you, now I feel nothing.

I hate people that allow themselves to be victims. And then turn into the problem.

Ahhhh... goodnight.

Hello, my name is....

2008-08-21T14:47:00.001-07:00

Lindsey. And I like The Hills. *GASP*. Yes, I am going on 30 and watch a drama about people in their earlier 20s. I won't even begin to analyze that one. The point is that I love the show, no matter how distasteful that love is.

I will say this. If my boyfriend EVER just even thought about talking to my family the way Spencer does to Hiedi's.... well let's say it wouldn't be pretty. I can't help but wonder if god forgot to give Heidi common sense when he was handing it out. The girl is stupid. And so was I once, a long time ago. Maybe that is why I am so attracted to this show. I see a little of myself in Heidi. And no it isn't the blech blonde hair, fake lips or fake tits.

And...

When in a funk, I suggest you go to the following website lol cats

It will entertain you for hours.

I'm having a bad "me" day

2008-08-19T07:10:00.000-07:00

Seriously. I have entered a funk. I went to bed at a very reasonable hour but still couldn't get up this morning. I haven't felt like this in awhile. The worst part about it is not really understanding where it is coming from.

Likely it is because I am stressed. Work is out of control busy and there is no end in sight. I am picking up the peices of a bad employment choice and it gets me annoyed. This class in school is killing me. More reading and writting than ever before. While it is a subject I really enjoy I just can't commit to it.

And I don't want to be in Utah anymore. I just want out. I go through this occassionally.... hating Utah. There is no specific reason, no way that it is brought on. I just start hating it here.

It will all pass, just as it always does.

And the hits keep coming

2008-08-08T07:23:00.000-07:00

Ah, yet another reason to be, er, um, proud?

Doh! No more Beer!! It's the method of the devil."

WHAT? There is nothing that says college football like a cold one. In fact, for me, it is an excuse to have a delicious beer at 10am in the morning (don't judge, my team is in the central part of the country).

And no surprise about who is leading this... well some surprise. What the hell is the U's athletic director doing? Doesn't he know that the U is the liberal-going-to-hell college? I mean... what kind of message are you sending to young high school students? Being in cohorts with the Y. Shame shame.

Seriously though... never happen. First reason, MONEY talks. It talks loud and it talks fast. Second reason... BEER RULES. It's an American tradition, getting beer drunk watching college football. Dear lord, please don't take that away from me.

And come one. Why in the world did Utah colleges have to lead this fight? Why do we continue to want to be the moral compass of the country? I am going to say this for the umptenth time..... alcohol is not bad. People all over the country drink it and manage to do so fine. They don't pay for "memberships" and they don't buy their alcohol for state ran stores. And it works. I can say that we, on average, suffer from the same outcomes as states that have more liberal drinking laws. But.... Some long time ago (not at the conception) someone in some church decided that alcohol was the fuel of the devil. This was of course after this church had been brewing their own booze. Silly god, sending angels to speak to people.

One of the guys, and other ways to not attract men

2008-08-06T22:46:00.000-07:00

I hate hearing it. In all honesty I hate when women complain at all about not being able to attract men. Attraction is natural, you can't force it. If someone isn't attracted to you, well they aren't attracted to you. Accept it and move on.

The worst form of this complaint is when a woman complains that she can't attract men because or even though she is one of the guys. I have a friend who was making this complaint to me. She said being one of the guys wasn't working for her. I looked at her dumbfounded. What does she understand the phrase to mean?

Before I go any further let me say I find nothing at all wrong with being one of the guys. Infact, I usually consider myself so. I get along well with men because for the msot part I don't fall into the category of stupid girl (although I do have my moments).

Being one of the guys means exactly that, they see you as another friend, a girl that doesn't have all the girl problems. It means that they can hang out with you, do fun things with you, and be themselves around you. It means that they appreciate your ability to just be their friend.

It is not a stepping stone into a relationship. If you think it is then you should look at your approach.

And what is this obsession with attracting people that aren't attracted to you? Attraction is immediate. It doesn't really grow. You don't look at someone who doesn't attract you and think, "hmmm... maybe in time". Or maybe you do. I'd say if you do that your are heading down the path of most resistence.

Attraction that grows or is forced is likely fleeting. We are attracted to people for all sorts of reasons. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, comedically (is that even a word?).

I am not saying that there aren't circumstances where being one of the guys leads to dating a guy, I've had it happen in the past. It also didn't work. Because you are consider one of the guys. You aren't allowed to be one of the girls. A man that build attraction for you based on you being one of the guys will lose that attraction when he can't see you as such anymore.

Of course this is all in my very humble opinion.

The hypocricy of it all

2008-08-04T08:06:00.000-07:00

Utah. Land of the mormans. Land of the temple, not to be mistaken with Disneyland. I try not to offend. But... I'm gonna. So if you are easily offended stop reading now. There really is no need to subject yourself to something you know will offend you.

Around the 24th of July, our State's biggest holiday there was a trajic "accident". A 52 year old man was experiementing with "fireworks" and a 10 year old boy was hit with shrapnel and is currently in a medical induced coma. The boy will never heal fully, he will always have to walk with a cane, that is if he doesn't lose his leg.

As you notice, I said "accident" and "fireworks". I actually don't believe this is a true accident. Now, I am not saying that this man set out with a purpose of hurting the child, but... come on. This was not accidental. This was negligence. This man knew what he was doing. He knew the inhert risk associated with his homemade "firework" (actually described by police and ATF as a IED).

What makes me sick, I mean what really turns my key.... "He's asked for forgiveness, it was an accident". This is what people here are saying. People that, no doubt, belong to the same religion as he does. A religon that believes that once a person has asked for forgiveness or has repented that it is in god's hands and not those of the law. This is the same religion that has protected child abusers because they "were sorry". The same religion that will stand up for their own but are quickest to persecute others.

And people wonder why I don't like religion anymore?

The weirdest things

2008-07-29T23:52:00.000-07:00

So I have one email account that I keep strictly personal. I don't sign up for shit with it.... only friends and family have it. I have been able to keep the junk mail down, almost non-existent.

Then tonight I get the weirdest email ever. Weird because it wasn't typical spam. There were no "click here" or Viagra offers. Just an email, addressed only to me from someone I don't know. And it was an article. A weird article, considering. Interesting.

I just finished a fantastic book recommended to me by a friend. "Secrets From An Escort". Now when it was first recommended I thought it would be some silly book about what women need to do to please a man. I mean the woman who wrote it was an escort, she was paid for her services, so I assumed that it was all about the man.

I was wrong, very wrong. It was more about our sexuality, men and women. It was about the pressures that society and our own self's put on about sex. It went in depth into the psychological aspects of sex and all the things in between.

Of course there will nice little ideas for intensifying sex. But it wasn't focused solely on intensifying the pleasure of a man but intensifying your own pleasure.

And she is actually a very educated woman.

But...

It started me thinking about the sex industry: Porn, prostitution and escorts. Yes I don't lump prostitution and escorts together. For me they are two entirely separate "occupations". Prostitution is all about oppression for me. Woman that are prostitutes are working the streets, they are performing blow jobs in cars and such. I am not attempting a "holier than thou" attitude, but it is degrading to the woman. I don't feel that prostitutes get into the profession for the love of it. I think that statistically speaking (I don't have them, I just like the way that sounds), prostitutes are by nature desperate. They are runaways, castaways, people "wronged" by society. They may be drug addicts or victims of sexual abuse as children. They ran from something in an attempt to escape and ended up on the streets, performing fellatio to survive.

Escorts are different. Foremost they are paid more. I am not going to go as far and say that they aren't selling their body for money, because when it is all boiled down, they are. But... they are making choices. The men that hire escorts are likely a different breed then the men that hire prostitutes.

It could be a hypocritical, my belief that the two professions are different. But I hold it to be true.

To me.... (this means it is strictly my opinion) escorts are making the choice, prostitutes (while inherently it usually is a choice) aren't.

Anyways, long blog to mention an email and a wonderful book.

Mediocracy

2008-07-29T11:13:00.000-07:00

I am so tired of reading. And when i saw reading I mean reading chapter after chapter on the newest and greatest business practice. Or reading that new book my boss purchased that talkes about how to seperate wants and needs and find benifits.

All of these books are important, the educate me on how to better do my job, how to become one step closer to ruling the world.

But they give me no satisfaction. It is studying rather than reading. And it causes other strife. Instead of finding a truly fascinating and meaningful book to read in the little spare time I own I look for a quick and dirty read that will satisfy (even if only momentairly) my need to read.

I want to read some of the greats. I have never read Catcher in the Rye or 1984. Some how I missed out on those books in highschool. That isn't to say I didn't read some of the greats (or no so greats depending on your outlook). Off the top of my head here is what I remember reading in highschool. I took advance English classes so I may have skipped what others read.

Grapes of Wrath
Romeo and Juliet
King Lear
Othello
Hamlet
Jane Eyre
Portriat of an Artist as a Young Man
The Scarlett Letter
The Great Gatsby
Wuthering Heights
Return of the Naive
Crime and Punishment
Metamorphisis
Of Mice and Men
The Odyssey
A Tale of Two Cities
The Glass Managerie
Madame Bovary
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
The Call of The Wild
The Old Man and The Sea
The Red Badge of Courage
The Sound and The Fury
There Eyes Were Watching God
To Kill A Mockingbird
Uncle Toms Cabin

That's all I can think of. And it's a lot. There were years after highschool where I refused to pick up a book that would take more than just mear reading. But no I long for it. I am not going to jump right in and get War and Peace. But maybe it's time to visit some of the classic I missed.

What if's

2008-07-28T23:09:00.000-07:00

For some reason today seemed to be the day of "what if's". Every where I turned someone was asking me a "what if". Well not every where I turn, but screw you, this is my blog and I will overexaggerate if I want.

What if your mom or dad read your blog?
-Well now wouldn't that be an interesting topic? First of all they would have to be savvy enough to understand blogging and find me. Second of all... well I guess it would make for interesting Sunday Dinner conversation. Honestly my parents love me, no matter what. Even if I am not the god-fearing-church-going girl they may wish I was. They don't care as long as I am happy and safe.

What if you never quit being friends with her?
-I am still friends with her, just not like we use to be. And I'm okay with that, all of the time. There were months where I worried and wondered, then I realized. "Hey, look at me, I'm doing great". And who gives a shit about the rest of it. Plus maybe I wouldn't have met the BFF, and that would be the real travesty.

What if you never met the BFF?
-I'd never know what I was missing, I'd still be in that hole. And thank god I do know what I'd be missing. Seriously. I can't even explain it. We just mesh, all the time. Even when he is an asshole and I am a bitch. Wait.. maybe that is why we mesh.

What if you never got married?
-Who knows? God what's with all the questions? Belive me, I'd take back getting married if I could. I'd take back the one fateful night where I made the decision to throw caution into the wind. I would take it all back and trade it for not having to live through what I did, I'd be insane not to (shut up peanut gallery). That all being said, I am a better person for it. I have learned and lived and loved and survived. The biggest part of that being I survived. I am a better person now. I am me, I wouldn't change that for the world.

What if you never met the BF?
-I'd probably still be settling and making mistakes. I wouldn't be able to appreciate how beautiful I am or how great I can be in a healthy wonderful relationship. I won't say I wouldn't be happy, because I would be, I just wouldn't be the happy I am now. I wouldn't be a lot of things, but I would still be me. He doesn't make me who I am, he doesn't complete who I am, he lets me be who I am which is why I love him. Compliment people, compliment not complete. If you can grasp that concept you will understand it all.

What if you didn't have brown eyes?
-I guess I'd have to find a new blog name now wouldn't I. Then I'd have a different titled blog that no one read.

Enough with the "what if's". I don't live my life for what could be. I live my life for what it is.

When things change

2008-07-28T14:53:00.000-07:00

A little history is needed, or maybe it isn't needed but I will provide it none the less.

I forced myself to be celibate on two seperate occassions. The first time was after I left my ex husband and lasted for just under a year. I felt that it would have been far to easy for me to jump into bed and ignore some of the problems I had.

The second bout was forced a few months after the first session ended. Because I learned that while I had remained celibate for almost a year I had done nothing to deal with my issues and fears in regards to relationships and sex.

I am not sure if I had really dealt with my relationship issues. And maybe I didn't really have any I just was waiting for the right person (enter the wonderful BF).

During the forced celibacy I managed to deal with some of the issues I can thank my ex-husband for. I have never really openly discussed all of the problems and maybe at some time I will be able to. But this forced period of time helped me understand very important things.

So how is it that I was able to go so long with out sex and be okay and now the idea of going without it for more then a few days cause strife?

It could be that now I have wonderful sex with the BF.

It could be that what we don't have we don't want.

Who knows.

But when I have to go with out it because I am traveling or whatever... I hate it. And I think about it constantly because I know I am not going to have it.

Hopefully this doesn't make it sound like my relationship is only about sex, because it isn't. Far from it. Which is maybe what makes the sex so much better.

My Insert title here is better then yours

2008-07-28T08:15:00.000-07:00

Seriously.

On Saturday the BF came over to help my father rebuild the gate for my sister's fence. Yes. My BF helped build the fence for my sister's house. Not my house. My sister's house. Just saying. It was my father and my BF, that is all. There is something hidden there. He spent five hours in the HOT ASS sun working. He didn't have to but he did. Best BF ever.

Yesterday I went to pick up the BFF from the airport. Lucky for me it was earlier then normal and no delays. Woot Woot. So there I am sitting the the park and wait. I turn off my car as there are signs all over that say no engine idling. What I don't notice is that my lights are on. I have my radio on but hey, no big deal. The BFF calls and says that he has got his bags. I go to turn the key and "click click click". Nothing. Mother fucker. So I call the BFF and cry to him. He then takes off and walks from the terminal to my car in the rain, carrying luggage. It ended up being the battery. Best thing ever? As he is getting ready to check under the car (looking for the starter at this point) he says to me "This shirt cost me $35 dollars".

There's no place like home

2008-07-21T08:46:00.000-07:00

And where is home? If you were to take the time spent in places I've lived, Utah would win. Utah would be home. If you were to make the decision based on where my family is, Utah would win. Utah would be home.

So why doesn't it feel like home? When it is so obviously home?

Everytime I travel back to the midwest, that is when i feel home. It is the weirdest thing. All my immediate family is her, the man I love, my friends... but when I set foot in the midwest, I am taken back by home it just speaks to me.

The humidity is hell, the weather is a mess.... but it just feels right.

I wonder if anyone else from there feels the same.

My eyes are brown I tell you!

2008-07-15T12:09:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time since I felt a certain "Wasted Emotion" as I like to refer to it. I mean a very long time. I think, if I had to be exact, the last time I felt it was when I was barely twenty. I chalked it up to being young and unsure of myself. And I always had assumed I outgrew it.

Because I hadn't felt it since. No matter who I was with, I never felt it.

Yes, I am talking about the green-eyed monster. That little bitch of an emotion that really is wasted. Hate it. Detest It. Don't want it.

So why, all of a sudden, did it reappear. I just have gone these, oh, seven years assuming that I was above it. I would always tell people who were feeling it that they were being silly, being insecure. I mean you should completely trust your significant other if you have a stable relationship and if you trust them... well you shouldn't feel jealousy.

So lets dissect this, because it will be fun.

Do I trust my significant other? Yes. There is no doubt there. I trust him with my heart, which is more important than just trusting him with my life. I trust my doctor with my life. Anyways, off track.

So I trust him. I love him. I believe in us.

So why?

Because I learned something new. It isn't about trust. And maybe, just maybe, I was wrong this whole time. Maybe jealousy isn't a wasted emotion. Bear with me, I'm getting to the huge "AH HA" moment.

The last time I felt jealousy was with the last person I actually really cared about. I mean really cared about, not just pretended to care, not had to care. The difference between him and all the people in between is that I never really cared. I didn't even really care for my ex-husband, which is a different story for a different time.

And the current BF. Well... I care for him beyond what I had imagined was possible. I am not trying to say that MLo wasn't an important part of my life, and that I didn't care for him enough. I am just pointing out the difference, which might not be relevant.

But the big "AH HA"... jealousy isn't about a lack of trust. It is about loving someone so much and knowing that because you love them so much that someone else might see what you see. That someone else might find the same things you found. That someone else might find they want that to.

It isn't about not being secure, its about being so secure that you know how important it is.

So jealousy, you little green bitch, I got your cards now.

So how am I still above jealousy? I recognized it and moved on. I didn't cause a seen. In fact, I'd say he doesn't even know. Because I took the jealousy and filed it a way. I placed it in that area of my brain where I think about and move on.

Yeah I am That lucky

2008-07-14T15:21:00.000-07:00

Saturday the BF and I decided to go meet my BFF and unrelated roomie at the Jazz Festival. As you know (or maybe you don't know, look at me...ASSuming) I am a huge support of the local arts community. Huge. I donate lots and lots of time. But... I was very irritated that at 8:30pm they wanted to charge us each $10 to get in. WHAT? I don't really care for Jazz music (ugh, that one Jazz musician I dated would love to hear that), it sounds nice and calm, but.... I don't feel much of a need to pay to listen to it. And.... we had what? 2 hours left?

Last year the BFF and I went to the Jazz Festival every night. That is where he introduced me to the unrelated roomie. So it was our anniversary of sorts. But... last year I could have sworn we didn't pay. I mean... I KNOW we didn't.*

But I paid anyways because I wanted to hang out with the BFF since we hadn't hung out in ages. The BF and I are getting off the bike when what do I see with my own eyes? My parents convertible wondering down the street looking, desperately, for a place to park. So I call out to them, we have a mini conversation and agree to meet up.

Yes. I just invited my parents to hang out with us. Why? Because they rock. Seriously ask anyone. I have the coolest parents ever. And my dad buys me booze, sometimes. But not if it is before noon.

*I later remembered that last year I had VIP passes, that's why BFF and I came every night. Silly.