I ended things with J last week. It sucked(s). Now I am reminded of why dating and entering relationships suck, because they end, for the most part, and I do not like being the person to end them.
Because I feel terrible. Ick. Seriously. I hate being a bad guy.
I was more worried about ending things with him then with any of the guys I've dated with post marriage. Because we have history, years of it. Which is why I will never again try to date someone I have known for so long. No good comes out of it. You find yourself feeling as if you owe the person something because of that history.
So here I was, dating a great guy. He was nice, affectionate, attentive.... and he literally worshiped me. So what's the big deal? Well.... when someone puts you up on a pedestal it makes living up to that image hard. So when you do fall, and believe me, we all do. You fall harder and they feel more disappointment.
Am I awesome? Yes. Do I rock? Yes. Am I beautiful? Most days. But... constantly hearing how I am perfect.... well that is way too much to live up to. And I am not perfect. I have flaws. Do I need them pointed out constantly? No. That isn't what I am asking for. But I need someone who has a realistic view of who I am. Blind love hurts everyone. And besides, when I hear any of those things too often they start to feel fake.
And then.... well here is where I will come off as shallow to some. Others will completely agree. He has no ambition. He is okay with having the same job he has right now, and has no desire to move ahead. I on the other hand, well I probably have too much ambition. I want to better myself in my career and in my life. I need someone who can match that, or at least understand that. And there are the piercings.... good god. I love piercings, don't get me wrong, but the huge gages? Yes I know it sounds shallow. But I have to look at where I am going in life and decide if that fits... and sadly it doesn't.
So here I am with a guy who has all of the right qualities and all of the wrong issues.
And I gear up for what I feel like will be the worst break up ever. Then I realize something. I am the one with the issues. I am the one feeling closed in. I am the one who feels all of these things. He is completely happy with the status quo. In fact, he even has been understanding when I have had a freak out.
But it just isn't going to work. Because I am not ready. As much as I thought I was, as much as I wanted to be... I'm not.
And his response. "I understand and what can I do to help". Um? What? No anger? No telling me how horrible I am?
Is this really going to be this great of a break up? So I ask if we are going to be okay. "Of course" is his response. Um okay. "What? Do you want me to tell you that this sucks? That it hurts a little? That it is a bummer? That I wish things were different? Well that's not going to change anything and you don't need to feel guilty for doing what you needed to do". Um. Speechless.
It went on for three hours, him reassuring me that I was making the right decision. Him making sure I knew that we were going to be okay. And that he appreciates my honesty.
So I had the best break up ever. Great guy.
Probably just wanted to keep me comfortable so we could keep up with the fantastic sex.
