I have a teenage daughter

So I am in my boss's office today working on a spreadsheet with him

boss: "What's that on your forehead?"
me: *fuck* "Oh it's from the helmet, Mike and I rode up the canyon yesterday"
boss: "Looks kind of like a hickey"
me: "ha ha, really? Nope, just the helmet rubbing wrong."
boss: "I have a teenage daughter."
me: "oh"

Fail!

The purpose of life

I've heard before, and likely said, that we are born, we live and we die. It is the so called circle of life. We are born and the rest is just time we fill before we die. It's a morbid way to look at life, but it is truthful. It also doesn't take away the pain when someone close to you dies.

For those of you not familiar with me, my mother comes from a fairly large family, okay a huge family. She is the second youngest out of 16. No it is not a blended family. No there are no twins. My grandma had 16 children. No we are not morman, methodist in fact.

One of my uncles and one of my aunts died before I could even remember. So growing up it was more like I had 13 aunts and uncles, still a very large number. In the last few years though, that number has dwindled, significantly. My mom now only has 8 living siblings. Mostly the brothers have passed. Two of her sisters have very bad medical conditions, one of my aunts is hopefully going to get approved for a heart transplant and hopefully they will find a heart for her soon.

While I know and understand that death is inevitable, it doesn't make it any easier. When I get the news that one of my uncles has died, it still hurts, it still breaks my heart. Maybe most of it comes from the fact that I hate to see my mom hurting, I hate to know that she sees her family slowly disappearing.

And then there is my mom. I worry about her. I mean with all the death running around in that family it is only natural to worry about her. So I spent the weekend in my bubble, pretending, on the outside, that all was fine and dandy, while inside I was dying. All it took was a semi-sad movie to break me out of that and turn me into a blubbering, incoherent mess. Thankfully I have the most wonderful partner ever.

He didn't make me feel stupid for my feelings, he just let me cry. He didn't coddle me, he just let me cry. Not enough can be said for just letting me cry.

Hopefully the tides turn and instead of having one more peice of bad news we will get a break and be able to celebrate my aunts transplant.

Oh yeah, you all should be organ donors.

There is nothing I detest more than yardwork, well at least there is nothing I detest more in the grand scheme of chores. I hate mowing, I hate weeding, I hate hate hate it. But I still do it. Mostly because if I don't it won't get done. Halls has somehow managed to go her entire life (25 years) never mowing. It is sad. I should make her do it, but instead I continue down the path of enabiling her. She was helpful last night and we did get a lot done.

The backyard is just about there. I planted some flowers, mowed and her and I cleaned things up. I hate the idea of having company over for them to see the white trash that was our backyard.

Now if I can just find someone who wants to get rid of some river rock we are golden.

Petty Crimes

Not more than a few weeks ago my wonderful metro boss kicked me out of the office I shared. After 8 long years of waiting to be office material I only had a brief glimpse of the wonder of it all. Now now... I don't hold said wonderful boss liable for the boot. It made sense and all that jazz. I still am free to hate being back in cubeland.

Especially when petty crimes are running amok, yes amok I say! My very expensive hand lotion is disappearing at an alarming rate. My breakfast/lunch cupboard has been raided. Leave me easy mac alone! And pens are missing, and not standard office pens, I loathe those. I purchase my own pretty pens cause I am a girl.

Horrid. So now I am locking my cube and hoping that it isn't the maintenance crew (whom I suspect) since I think they have master keys. I may have to invest in some security equipment just to find out who is bathing in my lotion.

Grrr. And Hunger too.

I've always thought I was "cool" when it comes to the Internet. I know html stuff, I can navigate around pretty well.... but I have met my match. Twitter. This product is driving me crazy. I can't get the phone part of it to work or maybe I just can't understand how it works. I guess I thought the idea was that I could send updates from my phone and they would appear on my twitter account and on this site. No such luck. Damn you Mr. Internet, damn you!

It is only an hour into the day and I already hate it. I didn't want to wake up this morning and I sure as hell didn't want to suit up (thanks Barney, it's Legend, wait for it, dary). I forgot my breakfast and lunch and am now feeling the pain for my stomach eating itself. Why can't my stomach eat my ass or my thighs? Hmm? is that too much to ask? I think not!

And I forgot. The other morning on the way to work I was "this close" to causing a major accident. There I am, drinking my delicious coffee, minding my own damn business when what do I see out of the corner of my eye? A spider, a big eight-legged freak of nature crawling around my dash board. Okay... if you know me you know I have an intense fear of spiders. It is so bad I can't even kill them. Killing them requires getting close, I don't wanna! But I had little choice as this one was getting ready to crawl in my lap. Lucky for me Halls and left some shoe spray stuff in my car. I grabbed the bottle and drenched that son of a bitch.

Since I am morbid and hate spiders so much I decided to see if I could find what type of spider it was. Upon my searching I found this...





I swear to all that is unholy, if I run into this monster, ever, I will die. Right then and there I will die.

Welcome back

I wonder if real bloggers, and I say real because I do not classify myself as real, ever second guess the things they write? Do they wonder if they said the right thing, said the important thing? Or do they just blog because it brings them and others laughs or tears? I wonder these random things. I love blogging, I just somehow lost a little of the passion. I think mainly I lost the passion of myspace. It was such a wonderful ride while it lasted but now, I can go a week with out logging on and not miss it.

So I decided to move forward. I have wrote, multiple times on this site stating that I am done with blogging on myspace, but yet I never really maintain this site. Mostly because I am not sure who, if anyone reads it. I like people reading what I write, taking interest in my opinions or my soapbox rants. But I think I am going to just try blogging for awhile, without expectations.

It's this new thing I am trying, not having certain expectations. Now this does not mean that I don't want certain things out of life or the people in my life. I am just not going to live by some rule book I created at another time in my life. I have turned over a number of new leaves and it is time for this one to turn too.

I have been giving serious thought lately to writing a book, or attempting to write a book. Nothing expected of course. I just want to write for the sake of writing. Although I do think the idea I have in mind is an excellent one. It all comes down to finding the time. Which I lack a lot of lately.

I can't sleep tonight. Because it is the first night in close to three weeks that I have tried to sleep alone. It is weird. Missing someone that I saw less then 24 hours ago. Actually I miss him all of the time. It has never been like this for me. Ever. Even my young attempts at puppy love never felt this right, you know that love you try to talk yourself into.

It's a little life altering to look at someone and know that they are it. That all of the times before were just practice, all the heartaches gave you strength, that all the questions led to this answer. It isn't at all scary, which in itself is scary. I'm not waiting for the moment I get to be alone, looking for the quickest exit. In fact I am always looking for the way back.

But this really is different. I actually filed for divorce. Went to the courthouse, paid the money (why is it more expensive to get divorced then married?) and hired a process server. Larry is being an ass and instead of just taking it I am fighting back. Thankfully I married a complete idiot who doesn't know his face from his ass.

When I decided to marry Larry it wasn't thoughts of happiness. I didn't think, "wow, this is great". I just did it. It was wrong, I knew it was and I knew the outcome would be this. And I figured I'd never marry again. When that changes your whole life changes.

One Week Later

And I have managed to only logon to Myspace once or twice while at work. I figure big brother can kiss my ten year tenure ass for a couple trips a week.

Speaking of my ass, which I rarely do. Maybe I should speak of it more often? Mike took me out for my first bike ride on Monday night. I was able to wear my fancy new helmet with pink flames. I figure if I am going to have bad hair do to saftey I might as well have a pretty helmet.

At first I was petrified. The only other time I have been on a bike was when I was about ten and it was with my dad. I don't even have to begin to explain to you the trust that was there. Not that I don't trust Mike, I do. It's just the new and different aspect of it.

And, because he loves me so much, he gets RIGHT on the freeway. I clenched my jaw and held on tight imagining the gazillion possible ways for us to die. Then... out of nowhere it stopped and I started enjoying it. People totally check out bikes, men with their looks of longing, woman check out my cute helmet. I am addicted. I really can't wait for Saturday when we do the MDA ride.

Speaking of Mike.... He really is fantastic. I have never had this much fun with someone I am dating. We constantly have something to talk about and more importantly laugh about. He doesn't take himself too seriously and doesn't take me too seriously. Refreshing in every way possible.

Although Matilda did say something that threw me off guard. Now normally Matt and I talk about everything. By this point in time he would know what I was feeling etc. But... he's been traveling a lot lately and dealing with his own crazy issues, so our girltalk time has been limited. Sunday night I was picking him up from the airport (yet again a delayed flight). We were talking as I was driving him home when I mentioned how I was not in the best of moods on Saturday and tried to pick a fight with Mike (which kudos to him for not taking my bait). Matilda's respone "Why would you pick a fight with the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with?"

Umm... what? I hadn't discussed this with him. While he is very accurate, it just hadn't been shared. This is why I state that Matilda is my soul mate, my other half. We just know. Like those times when I just get this feeling and give him a call to find out that he's had a really bad day. Or when he calls just at the right time. We can say things with out speaking. I love my BFF.

So having someone that understands me as well as he does say what he did... well it just solidifies my feelings for Mike just a tad bit more.