If I could change one weekend in my life

It would be this weekend. It wasn't that something drastic and life-altering happened. In fact the main thing that I would change is that I would get more homework done. And by more I mean more then the absolute NOTHING that I accomplished during my two solemn days. This is how school has always been for me. In the beginning I have great aspirations, I am committed to doing everything that it takes to get an A. Then somewhere, around the third week or so I lose that commitment. All I do is procrastinate, so badly that it is now Monday and by Wednesday I have to have a ten page Gap Analysis done. Gap Analysis' suck, badly.

I spent some time this weekend to myself, one of my favorite things to do. There are times in every one's life that they just need to escape the dread and disdain. I do this by not functioning at all. Usually this happens to me on Sundays. I didn't move from mid-morning until it was time to go to bed. I could have not moved and worked on my paper, but that would go against what I was accomplishing.

It is during these times of silent reprieve that I focus on where I am at and where it is that I want to be going. So what did I learn? I am NOT where I want to be and I have a long ways to go before I am. Nothing real new there. Yes I am harder on myself then I should be. I have huge expectations for me. It is almost completely to blame on first-child syndrome. Damnit, that is a lie. I have no idea what it is to blame on. The problem with having these grandiose expectations is that when you fall (and believe me, I fall) you fall hard.

But for me, it is better to expect more then to not expect enough. I never want to be complacent. I always want to strive for what is just out of my reach. If I fail, well I fail trying to be better. That can't be so bad.

And now for the bitchfest, since it is Monday and I am feeling it.

To the girl who broke his heart: LEAVE HIM THE FUCK ALONE. You made the mistake and it was a huge one. You fucked up. You are the person to blame. If you want to make him the bad person to make yourself feel better, go ahead and do that, in your head. Put to vocalize this only makes you look like more and more of the bad person.

To the boy who's heart was broken: Don't let her in. One of things I love about you most is your ability to always see the good in people. There are few humans in this world that can so optimistically view their surroundings. I try hard to do this, but I am cynical. I spent years of my life living like this and unfortunately only realized that not all people are inherently good. I still look for the good in people, but after so many attempts I write them off. Unfortunately there are just some people that aren't good. I know it is part of you to want to save them and help them find their hearts, I do that too. But there comes a time when you have to just let go.

On that note I think I will stop.

Oh and I was "this close" to revealing my big little secret this weekend. Luckily I didn't. It hurts to have this secret and want to tell people but the fear of it changing everything in my life is stronger then the desire to share it.

Does god really hate me?

Now I know that God doesn't really hate me, but my instructor does. He has assigned another gazillion pages of reading that are due for class tomorrow. I have completed not one page. I know, shock and awe. I do have a reason and it is valid. Tomorrow I have to sit at hole 4 all day during a golf tournament. I imagine that I can get all that reading done and not go insane. The worst part is that I have to be at the golf course by 7:30am and it is a good hour drive up there. Ick Ick Ick. Why do I do these things to myself?



I dreamt about X again last night. I am at the point where I am very annoyed with him haunting my dreams. I know we can't pick who we dream about but come one, cut a girl some slack. I have enough issues with him during my waking hours, there is no need for him to ruin my sleepy time.

Fräulein

Last night was my second class in MBA/500. I have decided that four hours is way too long to spend on one subject. The instructor does give us a 30 minute break around 7pm then a 15 minute break around 8:30pm... but it still seems too long.

Speaking of the instructor, I will from now on refer to him as perv. Not only does he find it humorous to call me Fräulein because of my obviously German surname he looked down my shirt a total of 5 times (that I caught him). Urgh. I am sort of use to it, people seeing if they can get a glimpse of the ta-tas. But an instructor? No you gutter-dwellers, I am not going to take advantage of it for an A.

But the night wasn't all bad. I caught Eye Candy starting at me. The first time was a little awkward because in order for me to catch him that meant that I was planning on starting at him so I turned away quickly. The second time I held his glance and then it was on. It was a game of sorts we created, seeing who could catch who. I did make him blush once, which is cute. Sigh, hims is very hawt.

Halls can't go with me to Nebraska anymore. She just received notice that she gets to test with SLCPD and it happens to be the weekend we were planning on going back. I am super excited for her but bummed that she won't be able to come. But Jeff will likely come with me so that is just as great.