The closing of another chapter

I ended things with J last week. It sucked(s). Now I am reminded of why dating and entering relationships suck, because they end, for the most part, and I do not like being the person to end them.

Because I feel terrible. Ick. Seriously. I hate being a bad guy.

I was more worried about ending things with him then with any of the guys I've dated with post marriage. Because we have history, years of it. Which is why I will never again try to date someone I have known for so long. No good comes out of it. You find yourself feeling as if you owe the person something because of that history.


So here I was, dating a great guy. He was nice, affectionate, attentive.... and he literally worshiped me. So what's the big deal? Well.... when someone puts you up on a pedestal it makes living up to that image hard. So when you do fall, and believe me, we all do. You fall harder and they feel more disappointment.

Am I awesome? Yes. Do I rock? Yes. Am I beautiful? Most days. But... constantly hearing how I am perfect.... well that is way too much to live up to. And I am not perfect. I have flaws. Do I need them pointed out constantly? No. That isn't what I am asking for. But I need someone who has a realistic view of who I am. Blind love hurts everyone. And besides, when I hear any of those things too often they start to feel fake.

And then.... well here is where I will come off as shallow to some. Others will completely agree. He has no ambition. He is okay with having the same job he has right now, and has no desire to move ahead. I on the other hand, well I probably have too much ambition. I want to better myself in my career and in my life. I need someone who can match that, or at least understand that. And there are the piercings.... good god. I love piercings, don't get me wrong, but the huge gages? Yes I know it sounds shallow. But I have to look at where I am going in life and decide if that fits... and sadly it doesn't.

So here I am with a guy who has all of the right qualities and all of the wrong issues.

And I gear up for what I feel like will be the worst break up ever. Then I realize something. I am the one with the issues. I am the one feeling closed in. I am the one who feels all of these things. He is completely happy with the status quo. In fact, he even has been understanding when I have had a freak out.

But it just isn't going to work. Because I am not ready. As much as I thought I was, as much as I wanted to be... I'm not.

And his response. "I understand and what can I do to help". Um? What? No anger? No telling me how horrible I am?

Is this really going to be this great of a break up? So I ask if we are going to be okay. "Of course" is his response. Um okay. "What? Do you want me to tell you that this sucks? That it hurts a little? That it is a bummer? That I wish things were different? Well that's not going to change anything and you don't need to feel guilty for doing what you needed to do". Um. Speechless.

It went on for three hours, him reassuring me that I was making the right decision. Him making sure I knew that we were going to be okay. And that he appreciates my honesty.

So I had the best break up ever. Great guy.

Probably just wanted to keep me comfortable so we could keep up with the fantastic sex.

Steps, baby ones, in the right direction

I am slowly, very slowly, moving past my relationship issues. For fuck's sake I have not hyperventilated when I refer to him as my boyfriend... although most of the time I call him "the guy I am dating".

It's humorous to me to see this transformation. Occasionally I will catch myself trying to revert back to old behavior and I will talk myself through it.

This weekend we did the "meet the friends" thing. The weirdest part is his friends use to be my friends too. But I hadn't seen them in over two years. And I was freaked out. I was wondering what they would think. Why am I dating him now, all of these years later? Am I trying to take advantage of him? Am I going to hurt him? I imagined this is what was going on in their heads.

I was pleasantly surprised. I didn't get an questions from them about why I am dating him. Only acceptance and maybe even support? The biggest hurdle I'd imagine was Ben. He and I didn't part on such great terms, and it was my fault. I mean how do you apologize to you old best friends ex-husband? How do you tell him that you treated him like shit based on the lies you believed from her?

You don't. You just buy each other shots and make friends again.

It is weird, revisiting with people you use to be close to. It is also weird to learn that they are all really good people despite what you were made to believe.

So I am taking steps, small ones. I am not sure I am ready to introduce him to my friends yet. One thing at a time.

What I learned this weekend

• I can break terrible habits
• My MacBook rocks
• It is possible to get absolute nothing done on my list of plans
• Bad kissers usually stay that way
• I heart my Ipod
• I loathe my crackberry
• The Huskers suck, but I still love them
• People disappear, sometimes they return, sometimes they don't
• I can inspire people
• I have a horrible addiction to silly shows (gossip girl is the new one)
• I have the best sister in the world
• Neighborhood watches are ineffective when a moron runs them
• My puppy knows exactly when I need him to just be
• I can change my mind multiple times, on the same subject, in a short time frame
• I have stronger convictions then I thought
• Did I mention I love my MacBook?
• While having someone wake you up at 7:30am on Saturday for breakfast sounds good, it isn't
• Cats eat paper when they want attention
• I'm still confused
• I am actually a very nice person, when I want to be
• The simplest things can break your heart
• 8:00am work calls on a Sunday morning will make me swear and yell as I try to get dressed
• Ticketmaster will rape you, horribly

Quite the satisfaction

One of my favorite authors, Koren Zailckas (Smashed) is doing a new story in Intimate Terrorism. She was seeking people who have gone through it and I contacted her. She has asked me to give her a rundown of what happened etc. It was great for me to write it all out. I might even have learned a thing or two in doing so. What is weird is that I just shared with a complete stranger, one that makes her living off of writing, things I haven't told anyone before.

Hopefully she can get some use out of what I wrote.

Changing of the tides my dear

Apparently I am easily taken advantage of. Last night at the ballet I decided to give one more chance before I unleash the other side of my loving personality. And actually most of the callers are great, there is just one. Not only does she not come in on time, she shows up about twenty minutes late and doesn't call. Okay, now sweat, whatever.

Through out the night everyone is bitching, "No one is answering" "Orem people suck", "Who names their kid Alfred". This is what I hear every night. Makes you go crazy. Especially when one of the girls is fresh off the farm in Texas and has managed to manipulate her voice until it is at the highest possible pitch. My favorite question so far "James Dean. That name sounds familiar. Maybe I know him." Yeah maybe you do. "Um, S, he was an actor, died in a car accident. Ring any bells?" For fucks sake who doesn't know who James Dean is? "Nope. Never heard of him." Kill.Me.Now.

I wanted to go home early, I desperately needed to go home early. So at the beginning of the night I set a very obtainable goal, which no one met. So a few minutes before 8:30 I advise them to pack it up. So what do they all do?? Write 9pm on their time cards. WTF? You think you get a free half hour? "Sabrina lets..." Fuck Sabrina, she does not. Just because I am not in every night doesn't mean I don't know who shit goes down. So tonight... we are staying until the last minute. Fuckers.

I have procrastinated again. My first class starts tomorrow and I have an assignment I need to do. I can't do the assignment until I read the five chapters he assigned. Oh well. I procrastinated quite a lot for my last class and still managed an A. Yep, not an A- an A. Letting the instructor glimpse down my shirt a couple of times seemed to work magic.

BJ is a coming

There is one good way to start out a wet Tuesday morning, hearing the Billy Joel is coming in concert. It made my day, actually my week. I don't care if I end up going alone, I will be there. And I will be one of those freaks that will pay $95 for the floor seats. Realistically that is a great price. You bet your ass that at 10am next Monday I will be online ready to go. I am a freak, welcome to my world.

I agreed to play boss lady at the ballet while Sabrina is in Croatia and Russia. I am really wishing I could take that back now. Yesterday two people called in and one left early because she wasn't feeling well. That left me with four callers and in the 3.5 hours we only managed to get one donation and one sale. This will not due. I think I am going to have to bribe them. I know what is going on. They are thinking that Lindsey's the cool one, she is wicked fun and blah blah blah. Those things are all true, I will not argue it. But for fucks sake, still work people.

I am feeling lonely. It seems that as winter comes people have a tendency to couple up, I swear it is the weather. When it gets cold everyone wants someone to stay warm with. Which is fine. I just am not use to never hearing from certain people. I haven't seen Matt since before I went to Nebraska for the game. Sucky. Then there is Marcus, I haven't seen him in forever... (yes I am publicly calling you out). Most of that is in jest, I just had to poke some fun.

Jeremy is suffocating me. I am either a) way too cynical or b) completely out of it because I can't handle the attention. I think part of it comes from having a low self esteem for so long. I can't handle someone telling me I rock, or that I am beautiful so on so on. It isn't that I don't believe them, it is just that it sounds weird when my ears hear it. And right now, coming from him, it is overwhelming me. I want to sit him down and explain to him that there is such thing as TOO MUCH.

I don't think things between us will work. He is a great guy but... the attraction just isn't there. And I don't think that is shallow. I just don't feel it. And I am not going to force it. It wouldn't be fair to either of us but mostly to him. How is it that I can be the bitchiest girl in the world but hate letting a person down. Seriously, it eats me alive.

Monday morning confusion

I cried a little on Sunday after learning that Nebraska got throttled by the Tigers. I was expecting a loss, we were due, but I wasn't expecting that we wouldn't show up at all. I am now very glad that I didn't watch the game.

So why Lindsey didn't you watch the game (because I know that is the question running through your minds)? Because I had a date of sorts. For reference, I suck at dating. I have never been good at it. I make all of the wrong mistakes, every single time. When I look back on my dating life, save for one semi-normal relationship, I can see every single wrong choice I made. And that fact overwhelms me. It causes me to be over analytical when it comes to pursuing new relationships.

One of the things I pay the most attention to is equal playing fields. I don't like to go into anything knowing that one person is more interested then the other. If it is me that is more interested I feel like I am setting myself up for disappointment. If it is the other person I am often left feeling obligated. It is silly and there is no rhyme or reason for it, it is just part of me.

In this case he is very ahead of me on the playing field. I have known him for going on eight years so there is history there. And I think part of me has known that he has always been interested. And I never was before.

So why am I know? I don't know. I actually can't say for sure that I am. I am treading down a very slippery slope, preparing myself for the fact that I might be doing something that I am going to regret.

Am I settling? Is it because I am so sure of what I want that I am making an exception? Because what I want is so far from my reach that the possibility of it ever happening is so slim.

I don't know yet. That is the complicated answer.

I need to have a conversation with him, sooner rather then later. I have a complicated history. I have major commitment issues, I have intimacy issues... the list goes on and on. Normally when things happen I just do the exact thing that will end any chance for it to move forward.

But I am lonely. I am tired of being a single. I think it is because of the changing weather. I want someone to cuddle with and watch movies. And he is by and far one of the sweetest men I have met in a long while. But there is a line when sweetness can become suffocating and he is entering that territory.

Or maybe it is me that has the issue. Maybe the way he is acting is normal and I just can't handle it. I haven't been in a even mildly healthy relationship since I was twenty. So did I lose my chance? Have I fucked up so much that I am destined to be alone?

My neighbors had their baby this weekend. A tiny perfect little child brought into the world with all of the opportunities still ahead of her. I would give to be there again. How wonderful it would be to have a clear slate, no issues, not past trauma. But then again those issues and trauma make me what I am, give me the personality and the strength that I use each and every day. Would I give that up? Probably not.

Well I think I went on long enough about that. But it did get me thinking, which is good. Now comes the deciding, which isn't half as easy.

I'm a bad blogger

I have been neglecting this. Not that I have a gazillion readers or anything. It is almost a little less fun to post here since on myspace at least I am sure to get amazing comments.

Finally... my first MBA class is finished. I am so emotionally and mentally drained. It is almost impossible to put words together in some meaningful manner. All I really want to do is just sleep, for hours and hours. And I refuse to do anything educational until the start of next week. I'd love to extend that promise for another few weeks but sadly my next class starts Thursday.

I rocked my presentation, which is a surprise. I normally become a bundle of nerves and am unable to do anything other then speed talk through the PowerPoint. Lucky for me that it was the last night of class since instructor perv decided to point out to the whole class how well I did and that they all could learn something from my professional presentation. Thanks ass. Way to go.

I am starting to date again. Sigh. It is scary. Very very scary. I have made such a multitude of mistakes in the last couple of years in regards to romantic interests it is a little overwhelming to be putting myself out there again. I want to believe that I have made the necessary changes but there is a part of me that wonders if I really have. I haven't had much of a relationship since the dissolving of my marriage and I don't know if I am ready yet. I guess the only way to know is to try.

Well loves I am off to bed. I wish I could say it was for a few days.

If I could change one weekend in my life

It would be this weekend. It wasn't that something drastic and life-altering happened. In fact the main thing that I would change is that I would get more homework done. And by more I mean more then the absolute NOTHING that I accomplished during my two solemn days. This is how school has always been for me. In the beginning I have great aspirations, I am committed to doing everything that it takes to get an A. Then somewhere, around the third week or so I lose that commitment. All I do is procrastinate, so badly that it is now Monday and by Wednesday I have to have a ten page Gap Analysis done. Gap Analysis' suck, badly.

I spent some time this weekend to myself, one of my favorite things to do. There are times in every one's life that they just need to escape the dread and disdain. I do this by not functioning at all. Usually this happens to me on Sundays. I didn't move from mid-morning until it was time to go to bed. I could have not moved and worked on my paper, but that would go against what I was accomplishing.

It is during these times of silent reprieve that I focus on where I am at and where it is that I want to be going. So what did I learn? I am NOT where I want to be and I have a long ways to go before I am. Nothing real new there. Yes I am harder on myself then I should be. I have huge expectations for me. It is almost completely to blame on first-child syndrome. Damnit, that is a lie. I have no idea what it is to blame on. The problem with having these grandiose expectations is that when you fall (and believe me, I fall) you fall hard.

But for me, it is better to expect more then to not expect enough. I never want to be complacent. I always want to strive for what is just out of my reach. If I fail, well I fail trying to be better. That can't be so bad.

And now for the bitchfest, since it is Monday and I am feeling it.

To the girl who broke his heart: LEAVE HIM THE FUCK ALONE. You made the mistake and it was a huge one. You fucked up. You are the person to blame. If you want to make him the bad person to make yourself feel better, go ahead and do that, in your head. Put to vocalize this only makes you look like more and more of the bad person.

To the boy who's heart was broken: Don't let her in. One of things I love about you most is your ability to always see the good in people. There are few humans in this world that can so optimistically view their surroundings. I try hard to do this, but I am cynical. I spent years of my life living like this and unfortunately only realized that not all people are inherently good. I still look for the good in people, but after so many attempts I write them off. Unfortunately there are just some people that aren't good. I know it is part of you to want to save them and help them find their hearts, I do that too. But there comes a time when you have to just let go.

On that note I think I will stop.

Oh and I was "this close" to revealing my big little secret this weekend. Luckily I didn't. It hurts to have this secret and want to tell people but the fear of it changing everything in my life is stronger then the desire to share it.

Does god really hate me?

Now I know that God doesn't really hate me, but my instructor does. He has assigned another gazillion pages of reading that are due for class tomorrow. I have completed not one page. I know, shock and awe. I do have a reason and it is valid. Tomorrow I have to sit at hole 4 all day during a golf tournament. I imagine that I can get all that reading done and not go insane. The worst part is that I have to be at the golf course by 7:30am and it is a good hour drive up there. Ick Ick Ick. Why do I do these things to myself?



I dreamt about X again last night. I am at the point where I am very annoyed with him haunting my dreams. I know we can't pick who we dream about but come one, cut a girl some slack. I have enough issues with him during my waking hours, there is no need for him to ruin my sleepy time.

Fräulein

Last night was my second class in MBA/500. I have decided that four hours is way too long to spend on one subject. The instructor does give us a 30 minute break around 7pm then a 15 minute break around 8:30pm... but it still seems too long.

Speaking of the instructor, I will from now on refer to him as perv. Not only does he find it humorous to call me Fräulein because of my obviously German surname he looked down my shirt a total of 5 times (that I caught him). Urgh. I am sort of use to it, people seeing if they can get a glimpse of the ta-tas. But an instructor? No you gutter-dwellers, I am not going to take advantage of it for an A.

But the night wasn't all bad. I caught Eye Candy starting at me. The first time was a little awkward because in order for me to catch him that meant that I was planning on starting at him so I turned away quickly. The second time I held his glance and then it was on. It was a game of sorts we created, seeing who could catch who. I did make him blush once, which is cute. Sigh, hims is very hawt.

Halls can't go with me to Nebraska anymore. She just received notice that she gets to test with SLCPD and it happens to be the weekend we were planning on going back. I am super excited for her but bummed that she won't be able to come. But Jeff will likely come with me so that is just as great.