We all make mistakes. Right? No one really disagrees with this. Sometimes, sometimes those mistakes are so significant that your life is impacted every single day.
I made one of these mistakes. Eight years ago I made one of the only decisions that I truly regret. That decision changed the entire direction of my life. It changed who I was, and honestly, who I am. I can never get the things, the "me", back that I lost. I will forever be a different person because of one decision.
I've often tried to tell myself that I am better for what I went through. I am stronger. But am I?
If I really was a better person, if I really was stronger.... why do I suddenly feel afraid? Of course it isn't logical. I don't begin to pretend that it is. It is so very illogical I can't even wrap my head around it.
Regardless, it is not going away. It probably never will. I imagine that there will always be this part of me that remembers what I went through. The pain, the anguish, the loss of myself.
But what is more important is how I let the fear change me now. I am trying, so very very hard, not to allow the fear to rule. But it has. If I were to be honest with myself, since I first heard the possibility... well I have been on edge. I can't sleep at night. I am sometimes afraid just to walk outside of my house. When my phone rings I pray that he is not on the other end.
Maybe it will go away. Maybe I will wake up one morning and I will have suddenly forgotten.
But I doubt it.
And maybe that is best. Maybe I shouldn't forget.
I have changed. And I have accepted that regardless of the reason for that change I am a better person. With out the trials I experienced I wouldn't have found this new person. The one that has taken complete charge. The women that doesn't allow anyone to create limitations for her (although she tends to create them for herself). Stronger, maybe. Better, yes.
I made one of these mistakes. Eight years ago I made one of the only decisions that I truly regret. That decision changed the entire direction of my life. It changed who I was, and honestly, who I am. I can never get the things, the "me", back that I lost. I will forever be a different person because of one decision.
I've often tried to tell myself that I am better for what I went through. I am stronger. But am I?
If I really was a better person, if I really was stronger.... why do I suddenly feel afraid? Of course it isn't logical. I don't begin to pretend that it is. It is so very illogical I can't even wrap my head around it.
Regardless, it is not going away. It probably never will. I imagine that there will always be this part of me that remembers what I went through. The pain, the anguish, the loss of myself.
But what is more important is how I let the fear change me now. I am trying, so very very hard, not to allow the fear to rule. But it has. If I were to be honest with myself, since I first heard the possibility... well I have been on edge. I can't sleep at night. I am sometimes afraid just to walk outside of my house. When my phone rings I pray that he is not on the other end.
Maybe it will go away. Maybe I will wake up one morning and I will have suddenly forgotten.
But I doubt it.
And maybe that is best. Maybe I shouldn't forget.
I have changed. And I have accepted that regardless of the reason for that change I am a better person. With out the trials I experienced I wouldn't have found this new person. The one that has taken complete charge. The women that doesn't allow anyone to create limitations for her (although she tends to create them for herself). Stronger, maybe. Better, yes.
2 comments:
You are better,stronger and have grown so much in the last eight years! Don't let the past try to rule your future. You are better than to let the fear take over.
Bernie didn't give up smoking until after he had part of one lung removed due to cancer. He received chemo for a long time, but the damage was done and eventually the lung cancer metastized and he died. Don't be stupid. Stop smoking. Bernie didn't smoke for about five years after his surgery, but it was too late.
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