I have neglected this far too long. Actually I have neglected many things for far too long. Like a social life. I think I almost remember what having one was like. Oh, the joy of coming home from work and then having nothing pressing to do save for laundry or making dinner.
When I made the decision (with the blessing of the Husband) to get a doctorate... I think my thought process was something along the lines of, "Hey, why the hell not. Can't be much harder than the other two". I was wrong. So very very very wrong. It has very much sucked the life out of me. When I come home from work I do one of two things (besides crying, I almost always cry), I study or I zone out. The Husband and I haven't been to a movie since, wow... I think it was Clash of the Titans. My social life (and his by association) consists of bowling once a week and going to my parents for Sunday dinner.
I am not sure I regret the decision, I still am fascinated with different topics. I tried to explain my love of change management to the Husband and I believe his eyes glazed over. In fact, I am sure it was the same expression he gets from me when he starts talking IT. What I regret is not having a firmed up dissertation topic. I think (feel) I am behind.
I have a new academic rep (again, like for the tenth time) and he informed me that he wants me to have (I think he said his goal is for me to have, I took it as an order...) my prospectus done (rough draft) before my next residency. Prospectus? I don't even have a DAMN topic yet. Before I was feeling fine with my lack of a topic, I was still researching different ideas. Now? Now the lack of topic is like the hugest weight possible on my shoulders (well besides guilt from my mother, that will win, hands down, every time).
Sigh, can someone just give me a topic? I need to quit being so indecisive!
Monday, December 27, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Compromise is a four letter word
Marriage is all about compromise. I understand this and mostly, the husband and I compromise fine. I do the laundry (he helps out with this) and am in charge of dinner. He cleans the horrible cat litter. Very nice trade.
We are currently in the process of painting and decorating the spare bedroom, office, and kitchen. I have these very specific design ideas in my head. I literally have all the color scheme and decor picked out, in my head. My husband has a new nickname, dream-crusher. We have very different design pallets. He has accused me, not in the exact words but the intent was there, of being a gay man. Okay, I will take it! Gay men tend to be very creative when it comes to design.
We have yet to fully agree on anything and instead are compromising all over the damn place. This is great and I know this is how it should work. But can't he just say, "You make all the choices". This would be so much easier for both of us!
(Thanks to the husband and father for hanging the chair-rail. I love it!)
We are currently in the process of painting and decorating the spare bedroom, office, and kitchen. I have these very specific design ideas in my head. I literally have all the color scheme and decor picked out, in my head. My husband has a new nickname, dream-crusher. We have very different design pallets. He has accused me, not in the exact words but the intent was there, of being a gay man. Okay, I will take it! Gay men tend to be very creative when it comes to design.
We have yet to fully agree on anything and instead are compromising all over the damn place. This is great and I know this is how it should work. But can't he just say, "You make all the choices". This would be so much easier for both of us!
(Thanks to the husband and father for hanging the chair-rail. I love it!)
Monday, July 26, 2010
PPT This
I love to hate Power Point. It is such a fantastic tool but I seem to find myself spending hours, days, months creating new presentations. I am on overload. If I have to create one more presentation, insert one more diagram... I will snap.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Ten years later
No, this is not a blog dedicated to reminiscing the last decade, well at least not in the way that many may think. It only is a small portion of the last decade that I wish to evaluate.
Honestly, it has been longer than ten years that I have listened to X96. It has been a morning ritual for 10 years. My first year of college the Mexican and I would listen to Radio from Hell each morning as we dealt with traffic. We won contests a few times, most memorably RHCP tickets, which prompted my sister to by a ticket to attend with us, then someone lost our tickets. Wait... I just got off subject.
I have continued to listen to them even though the show has become more angry then funny. Gone are the bits of yesteryear and replaced with political/social rants. Normally I just ignore the arguments because I see some legitimacy. Today... that ends.
This morning one of the daily boners was Rand Paul. Normally, I wouldn't mind. Today... well today I actually agreed.
"The poor in our country are enormously better off than the rest of the world... Doesn't mean we can't do better..."
I end there because I am not turning this into a debate about capitalism vs socialism which is what the second portion of his comment will lead to.
Okay.. so he was nominated as a boner because he essentially said that our poor don't have it so bad. Well guess what, in the grand scheme of things they don't. People in third world countries would LOVE to be American poor. And yes this does not mean we should rest on our laurels. But I am going to take this a step further.
Some of our poor (and this is a generalization, which I admit to, I also KNOW that this doesn't include all poor) are just plain lazy. Yes, the bleeding liberal that everyone thinks I am just said this. Let me explain. I know of one person who is a single mother of three. Her kids don't live with her, they live with her mother because she just is a plain old bad example. She still gets state assistance as if her children did live with her, still gets food stamps, low-cost housing, medicare, etc etc etc. She has not had a job for five years. Why? Well if she gets a job she has to work and doesn't get the free aid. What did she do with her tax returns this year? Did she put them aside to help by clothes for her children? Help supplement some of the costs the government has covered? Nope. She blew it, on a new TV and gaming system for her kids.
I know another single mother who lives with a man, they refuse to get married because she will no longer receive assistance. So she doesn't work, claims all the benefits, and he makes 50K a year.
I know another family that barely can make ends meet every month. When they do have money they blow it on the unimportant things and then can't buy food.
Being poor sucks, and yes, I understand that there are some people that don't ask for this. I also know a single mother of three, she left an abusive husband, hadn't had a job in the ten years they were married. She went out, found a job paying her $10 and hour. She received food stamps she also bought her own home, on her own, with out state aid. Then she received a raise... something like 20 cents more an hour. She lost her food stamps. What does she do? She continues to work hard, trying to make a life for her and her kids.
So guess what... yes being poor is horrible, but it could be worse. You could have to work for $3 a day in a sweatshop in Asia. You could not be able to feed your whole family so you starve to death and leave your children motherless. Yes, being poor sucks in American, but guess what, it is worse elsewhere.
So X96... I am trying to decide if I can continue to listen. I was so sickened by Bills outrage over a statement that is true. What does he want? Redistribution of wealth? Should I, someone with an advance degree, support someone who doesn't have the same skills?
Honestly, it has been longer than ten years that I have listened to X96. It has been a morning ritual for 10 years. My first year of college the Mexican and I would listen to Radio from Hell each morning as we dealt with traffic. We won contests a few times, most memorably RHCP tickets, which prompted my sister to by a ticket to attend with us, then someone lost our tickets. Wait... I just got off subject.
I have continued to listen to them even though the show has become more angry then funny. Gone are the bits of yesteryear and replaced with political/social rants. Normally I just ignore the arguments because I see some legitimacy. Today... that ends.
This morning one of the daily boners was Rand Paul. Normally, I wouldn't mind. Today... well today I actually agreed.
"The poor in our country are enormously better off than the rest of the world... Doesn't mean we can't do better..."
I end there because I am not turning this into a debate about capitalism vs socialism which is what the second portion of his comment will lead to.
Okay.. so he was nominated as a boner because he essentially said that our poor don't have it so bad. Well guess what, in the grand scheme of things they don't. People in third world countries would LOVE to be American poor. And yes this does not mean we should rest on our laurels. But I am going to take this a step further.
Some of our poor (and this is a generalization, which I admit to, I also KNOW that this doesn't include all poor) are just plain lazy. Yes, the bleeding liberal that everyone thinks I am just said this. Let me explain. I know of one person who is a single mother of three. Her kids don't live with her, they live with her mother because she just is a plain old bad example. She still gets state assistance as if her children did live with her, still gets food stamps, low-cost housing, medicare, etc etc etc. She has not had a job for five years. Why? Well if she gets a job she has to work and doesn't get the free aid. What did she do with her tax returns this year? Did she put them aside to help by clothes for her children? Help supplement some of the costs the government has covered? Nope. She blew it, on a new TV and gaming system for her kids.
I know another single mother who lives with a man, they refuse to get married because she will no longer receive assistance. So she doesn't work, claims all the benefits, and he makes 50K a year.
I know another family that barely can make ends meet every month. When they do have money they blow it on the unimportant things and then can't buy food.
Being poor sucks, and yes, I understand that there are some people that don't ask for this. I also know a single mother of three, she left an abusive husband, hadn't had a job in the ten years they were married. She went out, found a job paying her $10 and hour. She received food stamps she also bought her own home, on her own, with out state aid. Then she received a raise... something like 20 cents more an hour. She lost her food stamps. What does she do? She continues to work hard, trying to make a life for her and her kids.
So guess what... yes being poor is horrible, but it could be worse. You could have to work for $3 a day in a sweatshop in Asia. You could not be able to feed your whole family so you starve to death and leave your children motherless. Yes, being poor sucks in American, but guess what, it is worse elsewhere.
So X96... I am trying to decide if I can continue to listen. I was so sickened by Bills outrage over a statement that is true. What does he want? Redistribution of wealth? Should I, someone with an advance degree, support someone who doesn't have the same skills?
Monday, July 12, 2010
Breaking Bread
Another simple history lesson....
I am from a middle-class (mostly) Midwestern family. I grew up in a religious household. We weren't fanatical... but religious. I attend church most Sunday's, participated in youth groups, went through the Lutheran Conformation process, and volunteered to teach summer bible school to preschool children. I enjoyed church and learning about the bible..
Until I moved to Utah. Once here I began to distrust organized religion. I didn't lose belief I just evolved in my views. I quit going to church and no longer felt the "flame" burning inside me.
That does not mean I don't believe in God. It doesn't mean that I view all Christianity as a pimple on humans. I just don't care for some of the teaching of organized religion. When I read the bible I interrupt it differently than those that stand at a pulpit.
One thing that I try, very hard, to do is to NOT make others feel stupid for the religious views. I may not agree, but that doesn't mean that I will call you stupid or doubt your intelligence. I except the same of others, and more often than not, I am disappointed. For years it has been an internal battle, religions picking on other religions. In the recent years it has turned more to a battle of the believers vs the non-believers.
This is ridiculous.
What is truly ridiculous is those who claim that christian followers have persecuted them... and then they turn around a religion bash. You can get no where in your cause if you sink to the same levels of others. You want to have an honest and rational debate, sure... perfect. What is not acceptable, no matter what side, is resorting to disrespectful rants or jokes at others whom have different beliefs. If it isn't right for them it isn't right for you.
I am from a middle-class (mostly) Midwestern family. I grew up in a religious household. We weren't fanatical... but religious. I attend church most Sunday's, participated in youth groups, went through the Lutheran Conformation process, and volunteered to teach summer bible school to preschool children. I enjoyed church and learning about the bible..
Until I moved to Utah. Once here I began to distrust organized religion. I didn't lose belief I just evolved in my views. I quit going to church and no longer felt the "flame" burning inside me.
That does not mean I don't believe in God. It doesn't mean that I view all Christianity as a pimple on humans. I just don't care for some of the teaching of organized religion. When I read the bible I interrupt it differently than those that stand at a pulpit.
One thing that I try, very hard, to do is to NOT make others feel stupid for the religious views. I may not agree, but that doesn't mean that I will call you stupid or doubt your intelligence. I except the same of others, and more often than not, I am disappointed. For years it has been an internal battle, religions picking on other religions. In the recent years it has turned more to a battle of the believers vs the non-believers.
This is ridiculous.
What is truly ridiculous is those who claim that christian followers have persecuted them... and then they turn around a religion bash. You can get no where in your cause if you sink to the same levels of others. You want to have an honest and rational debate, sure... perfect. What is not acceptable, no matter what side, is resorting to disrespectful rants or jokes at others whom have different beliefs. If it isn't right for them it isn't right for you.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Happily Ever After
The date has been set! The fiance is going to make an honest woman out of me. We have invited our family and friends to celebrate with us in Vegas. We've both been there done that and so the idea of a big wedding wasn't something either of us were too keen on. Although I did have a few moments where I thought I might like the big dress again... but I changed my mind, swiftly, when helping my sister plan hers.
The same day I made the reservations for the chapel in Vegas the BFF announced that his GF had said yes. I am so very happy for the both of them. I hope he knows how lucky he is. I adore the BFF, don't get me wrong, but he really lucked out... cause, well he is him. Kidding aside, I am happy for them.
I had some time to think today and I realized that it was four years ago when the BFF entered my life. At the time we were both struggling with the ending of relationships. The cosmos aligned and I, completely by chance and intuition, was introduced to a person whom has strongly impacted my life. We had a conversation sometime between the meeting and a few years ago where we discussed how we were sure that we would never marry again. The bridges that had burned between marriage and us had been very bright. To put it simply, we had lost faith.
I have many stories of our times together, avoiding institutions like marriage. Enough stories that I still contemplate writing a book about our journey, among other things. I truly believe that if it wasn't for him I never would have opened myself up enough to meet the fiance. The BFF gifted me with something I will cherish for the rest of my life, the gift of faith. It is through our meeting, development of our friendship, and these years that I have learned that it isn't marriage that I should be leery of, but people who bring negativity in my life.
I don't really believe in fate, I have a hard time giving up control to anyone, especially a fictitious character that holds my future in her hands. So I won't call it fate, our meeting, but I guess it was divine intervention. I couldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't had him in my life.
So cheers to you, BFF. I am very happy for you two. I knew from the moment I met her that she was special and that this day would soon come, just as you knew, from the moment you met the fiance, that my life would never be the same. So I tip my cup to fate, or whatever we want to call it, for giving us the opportunities that we have today.
Oh, and just cause I am a girl doesn't mean I can't attend a bachelor party. ;)
The same day I made the reservations for the chapel in Vegas the BFF announced that his GF had said yes. I am so very happy for the both of them. I hope he knows how lucky he is. I adore the BFF, don't get me wrong, but he really lucked out... cause, well he is him. Kidding aside, I am happy for them.
I had some time to think today and I realized that it was four years ago when the BFF entered my life. At the time we were both struggling with the ending of relationships. The cosmos aligned and I, completely by chance and intuition, was introduced to a person whom has strongly impacted my life. We had a conversation sometime between the meeting and a few years ago where we discussed how we were sure that we would never marry again. The bridges that had burned between marriage and us had been very bright. To put it simply, we had lost faith.
I have many stories of our times together, avoiding institutions like marriage. Enough stories that I still contemplate writing a book about our journey, among other things. I truly believe that if it wasn't for him I never would have opened myself up enough to meet the fiance. The BFF gifted me with something I will cherish for the rest of my life, the gift of faith. It is through our meeting, development of our friendship, and these years that I have learned that it isn't marriage that I should be leery of, but people who bring negativity in my life.
I don't really believe in fate, I have a hard time giving up control to anyone, especially a fictitious character that holds my future in her hands. So I won't call it fate, our meeting, but I guess it was divine intervention. I couldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't had him in my life.
So cheers to you, BFF. I am very happy for you two. I knew from the moment I met her that she was special and that this day would soon come, just as you knew, from the moment you met the fiance, that my life would never be the same. So I tip my cup to fate, or whatever we want to call it, for giving us the opportunities that we have today.
Oh, and just cause I am a girl doesn't mean I can't attend a bachelor party. ;)
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Introducing Mr and Mrs
As some may know, I am getting married in a few months. It took awhile for both of us to take this step even though I can say, with certainty, that we are perfectly matched. As we have both been down this road before, you can imagine the trepidation with making this type of commitment. But we are doing it, only for ourselves, not because everyone else wants it.
One of the first conversations we had regarded name changing. I made the decision after my last marriage that I would not do that again. Wrong or right, I believe my identity is somewhat tied to my last name. Plus, the last name rocks. We discussed it and he is okay with that, he understands that I have built recognition with my name, professionally speaking.
I had a conversation with someone this last week about getting married and she asked what my new last name would be. I informed her that I wasn't changing my name. "You are lucky you found someone that will let you keep your name". Let me? Wow. I was unaware that anyone let me do anything. I was under the distinct impression that I am in charge of my life. That isn't to say that I don't value the opinion of those close to me or the support of them. But no one lets me do anything. I was in a marriage was I was allowed to do things and not allowed to do many more. That is a road I will never again travel.
One of the best qualities of the fiance is the fact that he allows me to be me. He understands that I am stubborn, aggressive, and in control of my life. He respects my individuality and doesn't want that to change. He doesn't worry about what he will and will not let me do.
Piece of advice for everyone out there. If you are with someone that lets you do things, you aren't in the right relationship. A relationship isn't about asking permission or waiting for someone to grant you rights. I have never and will never ask for permission to be me.
One of the first conversations we had regarded name changing. I made the decision after my last marriage that I would not do that again. Wrong or right, I believe my identity is somewhat tied to my last name. Plus, the last name rocks. We discussed it and he is okay with that, he understands that I have built recognition with my name, professionally speaking.
I had a conversation with someone this last week about getting married and she asked what my new last name would be. I informed her that I wasn't changing my name. "You are lucky you found someone that will let you keep your name". Let me? Wow. I was unaware that anyone let me do anything. I was under the distinct impression that I am in charge of my life. That isn't to say that I don't value the opinion of those close to me or the support of them. But no one lets me do anything. I was in a marriage was I was allowed to do things and not allowed to do many more. That is a road I will never again travel.
One of the best qualities of the fiance is the fact that he allows me to be me. He understands that I am stubborn, aggressive, and in control of my life. He respects my individuality and doesn't want that to change. He doesn't worry about what he will and will not let me do.
Piece of advice for everyone out there. If you are with someone that lets you do things, you aren't in the right relationship. A relationship isn't about asking permission or waiting for someone to grant you rights. I have never and will never ask for permission to be me.
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