Upward Mobility

Finally... after years of trying, I get to move on. I can't say much yet, because things are unofficial. But it's about damn time. And I love how people talk. Cracks me up.

I've decided that Reagan and I are going to give it another go. But things have to be different. You see it's been so long since I've functioned in a relationship that I just don't know how. So I take the easy way out, which is so unlike me. While what happened was hard, there was a valid explaination. I'm a little reserved, a little distant, but I plan on working on that. Because I do love him.

San Diego this weekend, which I can't wait for. Warm weather sounds perfect right about now.

Reagan left office

Ugh. So I am apart from Reagan. I have to take some time and decide if this is what I want. Now don't get your panties all in a bunch. I am not running for no reason. Some things came to light that have forced me to step back and decide if this can work. But I can't until after I finish this current paper. I really don't have the time to think this through fully and I am not going to make any rash decisions.

So Matilda, the best friend ever, knew I was having a horrible day. He and I had made plans to share a beer and gossip, but in light of the new development with Reagan I felt it was best to postpone said drinkfest. So there I was, at home, in sweats, watching horrible reality tv when I got a text.

Matilda: Drunk Yet?
Me: Haven't had a drop. Reagan sent me his explanation.
Matilda: I'm unclear, he's in legal trouble because he married 2 girls.
Me: It's complicated. I'll give you the 411 tomorrow night. Between the two of us we could write a book. Seriously.
Matilda: Yeah we could, yours would be in crayon because you are a girl and girls are dumb and smell funny and have cooties and pee sitting down and far a lot...
Me: Um, I'm not sure how else to respond, other then to tel you that I'm rubber and you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you. Oh yeah, and quit drinking.
Matilda: Fuck you, I'm sober for now.
Me: Ha. And while what you said was true you forgot to that girls have vaginas and you're a fan.
Matilda: Unless they are bloody, then I just don't look down.
Me: Oh for the love of god.
Matilda: See, grosses you out too.

So. I got to have a great laugh. Which was what his intention was. He knows me all too well.

I should spell it out

And maybe create one of those giant signs you see at sporting events. Because people pay attention to those. But he just can't seem to get it.

A little history. J and I have been friends for going on 7 years. I met him through my old friend Shelly. Well... for some reason late last fall he and I decided that we'd give it a go.

To be honest, part of me knew, from the start, that this was not a good idea. I have rules and dating a friend would be breaking one of those rules. It is a rule for good reason. When you make the step from friends to dating or from friends to fucking, there are ramifications. You can't easily backpedal to where you were before. There is extra responsibility. You don't want to hurt a friend, so even if you want to end things, you can't, not easily. You have to take time, you have to say all of the right things.

But I did it anyways. Because, well, why not?

It didn't work. We didn't work. He is a great guy, hillarious, sweet as can be. But he wasn't the one for me. I wasn't ready for a relationship. There were so many reasons that this wasn't going to work.

So I ended things. Honestly. But I made a little mistake. A small, what seemed to be insignificant issue. The sex was fantastic. So I agreed that we could continue that. I mean he's a guy. It shouldn't be hard at all to seperate sex and emotion.

I was wrong.

The last time I saw him was before Christmas and things had been officially over since early December.

Then on VDay I get a text from him, out of the blue.

"I heard through the grapevine that you are seeing someone, and it is serious and that you are happy."

Fuck Fuck Fuck. Why can't people mind their own god damn business. Why? Why do they have to go running to him?

I responded "Yes I am. I wasn't looking for it, this just happened. And yes I am very happy".

And with that I hoped it was over. I really believed that he could read that and understand that I am happy. And while I adore him (J), I can't continue to feel responsible because he can't move on. And Regan was understanding about it. Because yes, there I was laying in bed, naked... texting my ex. "Well, I can see how he would still be hung up on you". Really? Too cute.

It didn't end there. The next day I received another text about how I shouldn't worry and that he would get over me. That I had hurt him. Blah Blah Blah. I no longer feel bad. Because this is his fault. It has been close to two months. I haven't seen you in that whole time. What were you thinking? That I'd wake up one morning and think differently about everything?

I finally sent him a message saying I hoped he could just be happy for me.

This is why I HATE relationships, not the one I am in now. But old relationships. I have been too lucky that most of my exes aren't in the state anymore. Only other is, and he is my dearest friend.

Hopefully this will be the end with J. It sucks that I doubt we can be friends again. But... I did what I could. It is time to just be happy and not worry so much about things that are beyond my control.

What is wrong with girls?

Seriously? Anyone? Someone has to have an opinion, and opinion that may become an answer to this question.

Now I ask this, not because of what is wrong with me, that is a whole nother story, maybe I will tie it in here.

But no. I ask what is wrong with girls in general. Why are they so callous, bitchy, unloving? Why must they take genuine good guys and fuck them over? And why must they chose my guys to do this to?

I guess I can ask a better question. What is wrong with people in general? Is it just me or does it seem like people don't care anymore. No longer are people afraid of hurting someone, sometimes it seems as if they actually find some pleasure in doing so.

You'd think that in this day and age we'd have more compassion, more of a desire to not inflict pain. But that doesn't seem to be the case. Instead I see people, all over the place, hurting those that love them. Hurting friends, family, and lovers. Because why?

What has happened to this generation that we no longer care about the ramifications of our actions or inactions? Is life really that terrible that we don't have time to be nice? Is there joy found somewhere in ripping somone's heart out?

I have my own issues, I will be the first to admit that. But the one thing that I don't do is set out to hurt people. I will avoid that at all costs, even if it means I might hurt myself a little. Because while I can be a nasty bitch, I am also a very loving person. I don't want to see someone in pain because of my doing. That will break my heart.

And I understand that sometimes it is unavoidable. We can't be fully responsible for other peoples actions or reactions. We only can do what we can and be honest about it. Have I hurt people? Sure. I have. It happens, because that is life. But I take every step possible to shield the hurt, to make it managable, to not come off as callous.

But I don't see that often enough. I do see if with my friends, that is why I love them. So it angers me, to no end, to see other people lack this regard when it comes to my friends.

If you want to be that low, please by all means do. But don't fuck with my friends.

New day

I've decided to take a new approach to this whole blogging thing. I guess you can say I am becoming tired of the lame attempts at blogging that I have used in the past year or so. I remember the day when I always had something to say, usually in a sore attempt at pissing someone off.

And I need something different then myspace. It has become tired and old, simiiar to what I feel I have become.

I can't say where this is going, if anywhere. Frankly I think I may be too busy to keep up a blog. Or too sidetracked. But I really want to. There is little that brings me greater joy then putting pen to paper (figuratively speaking of course). And the idea that someone might read the words I string together and enjoy or find inspiration in them, that is what drives me.

Yesterday as I was laying in bed, nursing the mother of all headaches, I had a story start in my head. This happens to me often, but for the most part I push them aside. Because I can't commit to finishing an entire story on paper. I lose patience, I lose drive, I lose words. But this one, it speaks to me. Deep in my soul. So I will go with it. I wrote for hours yesterday, just kept going, my nimble fingers aching.

It is good. Really good. It has some truth in it, small tid-bits from my actual life, mixed in with fiction. Whether it will continue to be good, or make the leap from good to great, that has yet to be seen.

I've become sidetracked again. Which happens all too often. Hopefully the passion to write stays with me a little longer then it has in the past.

The closing of another chapter

I ended things with J last week. It sucked(s). Now I am reminded of why dating and entering relationships suck, because they end, for the most part, and I do not like being the person to end them.

Because I feel terrible. Ick. Seriously. I hate being a bad guy.

I was more worried about ending things with him then with any of the guys I've dated with post marriage. Because we have history, years of it. Which is why I will never again try to date someone I have known for so long. No good comes out of it. You find yourself feeling as if you owe the person something because of that history.


So here I was, dating a great guy. He was nice, affectionate, attentive.... and he literally worshiped me. So what's the big deal? Well.... when someone puts you up on a pedestal it makes living up to that image hard. So when you do fall, and believe me, we all do. You fall harder and they feel more disappointment.

Am I awesome? Yes. Do I rock? Yes. Am I beautiful? Most days. But... constantly hearing how I am perfect.... well that is way too much to live up to. And I am not perfect. I have flaws. Do I need them pointed out constantly? No. That isn't what I am asking for. But I need someone who has a realistic view of who I am. Blind love hurts everyone. And besides, when I hear any of those things too often they start to feel fake.

And then.... well here is where I will come off as shallow to some. Others will completely agree. He has no ambition. He is okay with having the same job he has right now, and has no desire to move ahead. I on the other hand, well I probably have too much ambition. I want to better myself in my career and in my life. I need someone who can match that, or at least understand that. And there are the piercings.... good god. I love piercings, don't get me wrong, but the huge gages? Yes I know it sounds shallow. But I have to look at where I am going in life and decide if that fits... and sadly it doesn't.

So here I am with a guy who has all of the right qualities and all of the wrong issues.

And I gear up for what I feel like will be the worst break up ever. Then I realize something. I am the one with the issues. I am the one feeling closed in. I am the one who feels all of these things. He is completely happy with the status quo. In fact, he even has been understanding when I have had a freak out.

But it just isn't going to work. Because I am not ready. As much as I thought I was, as much as I wanted to be... I'm not.

And his response. "I understand and what can I do to help". Um? What? No anger? No telling me how horrible I am?

Is this really going to be this great of a break up? So I ask if we are going to be okay. "Of course" is his response. Um okay. "What? Do you want me to tell you that this sucks? That it hurts a little? That it is a bummer? That I wish things were different? Well that's not going to change anything and you don't need to feel guilty for doing what you needed to do". Um. Speechless.

It went on for three hours, him reassuring me that I was making the right decision. Him making sure I knew that we were going to be okay. And that he appreciates my honesty.

So I had the best break up ever. Great guy.

Probably just wanted to keep me comfortable so we could keep up with the fantastic sex.

Steps, baby ones, in the right direction

I am slowly, very slowly, moving past my relationship issues. For fuck's sake I have not hyperventilated when I refer to him as my boyfriend... although most of the time I call him "the guy I am dating".

It's humorous to me to see this transformation. Occasionally I will catch myself trying to revert back to old behavior and I will talk myself through it.

This weekend we did the "meet the friends" thing. The weirdest part is his friends use to be my friends too. But I hadn't seen them in over two years. And I was freaked out. I was wondering what they would think. Why am I dating him now, all of these years later? Am I trying to take advantage of him? Am I going to hurt him? I imagined this is what was going on in their heads.

I was pleasantly surprised. I didn't get an questions from them about why I am dating him. Only acceptance and maybe even support? The biggest hurdle I'd imagine was Ben. He and I didn't part on such great terms, and it was my fault. I mean how do you apologize to you old best friends ex-husband? How do you tell him that you treated him like shit based on the lies you believed from her?

You don't. You just buy each other shots and make friends again.

It is weird, revisiting with people you use to be close to. It is also weird to learn that they are all really good people despite what you were made to believe.

So I am taking steps, small ones. I am not sure I am ready to introduce him to my friends yet. One thing at a time.