Damn Kids

What the hell is wrong with kids this day? Before you acusse me of being an old geezer (even though I do have LOTS of gray hair) pay attention.

I was a teenager once, a long long time ago. I had friends and we had fun, lots of fun. What we never did?? We never were loud and obnioxious in any public place. We didn't go to eating establishments and yell and run around. We didn't throw food. We didn't go in to coffee shops and laugh and talk so loud that someone working on a paper for her MBA class couldn't hear over her very nice headphones.

We didn't do any of that.

I tried giving them the "look". Yes my "look" requres quotation marks. It is because it is that scarey. Ask MLo, he saw it many times. And he was smart enough to recognize the meaning and promise behind the "look". If you see the "look" you know that if your current behavior doesn't change immediately violence will follow. This time it will be violence in the form of my pen stabbing them in their young thoats. Bet that will shut them up.

Life Goes On

Obla di Obla da is by and far one of my all time favorite songs. I'd like to claim it is because of the message hidden in the lyrics, but it's not. It just sounds really good when you get drunk and yell/sing.

It's been a hard week. Kaden, my little nephew, was born on Sunday. He is such a beautiful little boy! Unfortunatly there have been a list of complications. Mainly, he is having an issue remembering to breath. He has been in the NICU since Tuesday. And last I spoke to Rexy, he was doing much better.

My aunt who received the heart transplant is having complications. She has a viral infection and is back on the respirator. She has a living will (thank god, everyone should) and can only be kept on the respirator for a few days before the doctor is required to remove it. She is doing a little better.

My grandparnets are just fading fast. My grandpa now has to be in a wheelchair all the time.

Not very often do I say this, but everyone hug those you love, because tomorrow you never know.

SA

Hello. My Name is Lindsey, and I am a stupid girl. (This is where you all respond with "Hello Lindsey").

Sigh. How many times have I said "I hate stupid girls"? Probably at least a gazillion and a half. No, I am not taking the statement back. And I think I have always suggested that I have stupid girl moments. That doesn't change the fact that I hate stupid girls and hate even more, being a stupid girl.

I doubt many women see themselves for who they really are when they look in the mirror. When I look in the mirror, well sometimes I just don't even recognize who is looking back at me. Can I really be this girl? What happened to who I was in my youth. When I look in the mirror I see what I was robbed of, what I have lost out on. I see a woman who endured some of the most horrific experiences and pretends that she is okay.

So maybe I am making a step forward, because at least I recognize that I am pretending. I am not fully healed, maybe I never will be. Maybe I will set on the shelf with the other damanged goods. Is it possible that I can every feel whole again?

I think it is time for me to visit a doctor, again. I tried it a few times after everything happened, but came to the decision that I didn't need it, that self-healing was better for me. Obviously I am not self-healing, but rather I am ignoring. Tisk Tisk Lindsey, you know better.

Lesson No. 1: Just cause Jenna liked it doesn't mean I do

Every once in a while I like to throwback to my dating years and reminisce (vomit) about some of the adventures I went on. Again I am reminded that I really want to write a book about dating and the misadventures that one can find. I mean between me and the BFF there are just so many stories. But I digress.

There was one guy I dated who didn't fit into the normal category of scum I attracted. Don't worry, he still was a loser. I am getting to the point. While he may have been a loser he was also a late bloomer. I don't think he lost his virginity until his mid-twenties. Now, I am not bagging on that. In fact, if that is your motive, by all means, POWER TO YA! This is not the point. We had the conversation about virginity losses and such and I remember him saying this "You would never know I was a late bloomer, I watched a lot of porn". I was dumbfounded about this comment.

I took some time and tried to decipher what it was that he was actually saying. I think he was trying to advocate for porn as a learning tool. Sigh. Boys, please sit down and listen closely. Porn is not something to learn by. Ever. I know that you would love it if woman actually liked some of the porn standards. And please understand that I am not speaking for every woman. Just a small majority.

The idea that porn, which is fantasy, can teach you anything about the real world is sad. And this leads me to the real point. This is what is wrong with society. For some reason the idea of talking about sex has become so taboo. Take for instance the state that I live in. Utah. Not too long ago we were rated as the leader in porn love. People were in shock and awe. How could our state, with it's religious background and religious politics ever lead in such a filthy dirty poll?

Might have something to do with the fact that sex is looked at as something dirty. Boys can't ask their fathers about it, sure as hell can't ask their mothers. Can't ask their friends, cause then the friend might tell the bishop to try and save his friend. So the boy hides all of this desires and confusion and finally, when he is alone in the house, goes to the net and finds a wealth of "knowledge" on the subject.

Now we have a boy who has decided that what he sees in porn is the norm. Woman being objectified and demeaned.(I know this isn't always the case, but lets be honest it is for a huge percentage)He thinks women like to be hurt or called names. This becomes his idea of norm. And the cycle continues.

What is my point? That we need to move away from seeing sex as something that is bad and look at it as what it is. Natural. Don't let Jenna teach your children.

Disclaimer **this is in no way saying that porn is bad.

Mom, I have the best news ever

I was so tempted, because of the festivities of the day, to call my mom and tell her that finally I was carrying her grandchild. The temptation was almost more than I could handle. Luckily I was intelligent enough to realize that it would likely cause some type of cardic disaster. So I decline. Sigh, boring. Really, it almost would have been worth it. It would serve her right for being so nosey.

The sis and I found out on Sunday that our puppy has a tumor. :( Quite sad. Even worse was that the vet we went to on Sunday told us it would cost upwards of $800 to remove it. I won't name names... but it is a chain vet. The only reason we have gone there is the ease factor. We don't operate on normal schedules, Sunday's are our day of errands and pet health.

I called Rexy and asked for her vet, whom she has always loved. I have never met a vet that I love so much. He was fantastic with Louie and made me feel great. To cut to the chase, he told us it would cost $250.

What is so sad is that a Vet would charge so much and feel good about it.

Home Sweet Home

It has been a long, if not wonderful, week. I am so glad to be home. My Aunt is doing very well and as the doctor said "almost over the hump".

I've slept most of the day, trying to catch up on all the missed hours of sleep.. or the hours spent sleeping on a hard couch in the waiting room. I can't even begin to explain how excited I am to sleep in my own bed... even if it will be filled with two cats who missed me.

I will possibly take weeks to rid the bags underneath my eyes. It looks as if I packed my entire closet there.

And St Louis... what is with the sudden disappreance of BBQ?

Is it only Monday?

Friday I flew into St Louis with my mom. My Aunt has been having heart problems nearly as long as I can remember. She had a bypass surgery when I was in my early teens. Four years ago she had to have a pacemaker/defib. Then... last year her heart, well it pretty much gave up. She spent countless days in the hospital and we weren't sure she would pull through. She did, miraculously.

Since that time she has been on the heart transplant list, technically what is considered the second list. These are the people that aren't severe enough, but still need a new heart. Last week her heart had another episode of just not wanting to work. She was rushed to Barnes-Jewish Hospital in STL (one of the top place for heart transplants). The outcome was grim. She would either leave with a heart or not leave at all.

My mom decided to come out, see what she could do. No one really knew what was going to happen or how quickly it would. All we knew is while it was horrible that she was in such bad shape, it meant she went up to the first list. She was actually number 2 on that list.

Sometime on Thursday she moved up to spot number one, still we had no idea how long of a process this would be. When my mom and I arrived late Friday we went into see her. She looked better than expected and actually was doing so well that they were thinking of sending her home Monday(today). That was a scary thought but all we wanted was what was best.

We had a late dinner and then proceeded back to the apartment. My mom and I, still on Utah time, didn't get to bed until after midnight. I was half-awaken by the sound of some phone but didn't fully register anything until my mom came running into the room "They have a heart, THEY HAVE A HEART". I shot out of bed before she could get the second part out. I threw on a bra and shoes and we were ready to go. The call came in at 3:03am. We were at the Hospital by 3:15. I was able to get three woman, well over the age of 50, in the car and to the hospital in less than 15 minutes. Let me tell you, it is no easy task. Especially since I had never driven to the hospital before.

It was a potential heart and we didn't know until just before 5am that it was a match. She was in surgery by 5:15am and out almost 7 hours later. The surgery went as well as could be expected. Things have been slow since. At first the heart wasn't working like they wanted, so they kept her sedated, to give her body time to do it's thing.

As it stands today, she is doing well. They just took her off the ventilator and plan on slowly weening her off the pain med, which she apparently wasn't very thrilled with (and who can blame her). Her kidneys and liver aren't doing 100% (which is actually pretty normal). So the news isn't stellar, but it isn't horrible.

I would like to thank:

Jennifer at BJH, for being a wonderful case-worker. She has put us up in a temp housing unit for people pre & post transplant. It cost next to nothing, is fairly close to the hospital, and has a kitchen.

Barb and Daniel, two of my Aunt's nurses. They are extraordinary people and make me question whether I should have been a nurse (I thought about it, a lot, when I was younger)

The STL police, or hopefully. I ran a few lights on the way to the hospital, and you happen to have cameras out here (stupid!). So when you see that license plate... try to refrain.

And to all the people who have sent me thoughts and prayers. It has been a long few days (feels like a week) and it makes it a little easier to here from you.

Hugs and kisses!

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