What I learned this weekend

• I can break terrible habits
• My MacBook rocks
• It is possible to get absolute nothing done on my list of plans
• Bad kissers usually stay that way
• I heart my Ipod
• I loathe my crackberry
• The Huskers suck, but I still love them
• People disappear, sometimes they return, sometimes they don't
• I can inspire people
• I have a horrible addiction to silly shows (gossip girl is the new one)
• I have the best sister in the world
• Neighborhood watches are ineffective when a moron runs them
• My puppy knows exactly when I need him to just be
• I can change my mind multiple times, on the same subject, in a short time frame
• I have stronger convictions then I thought
• Did I mention I love my MacBook?
• While having someone wake you up at 7:30am on Saturday for breakfast sounds good, it isn't
• Cats eat paper when they want attention
• I'm still confused
• I am actually a very nice person, when I want to be
• The simplest things can break your heart
• 8:00am work calls on a Sunday morning will make me swear and yell as I try to get dressed
• Ticketmaster will rape you, horribly

Quite the satisfaction

One of my favorite authors, Koren Zailckas (Smashed) is doing a new story in Intimate Terrorism. She was seeking people who have gone through it and I contacted her. She has asked me to give her a rundown of what happened etc. It was great for me to write it all out. I might even have learned a thing or two in doing so. What is weird is that I just shared with a complete stranger, one that makes her living off of writing, things I haven't told anyone before.

Hopefully she can get some use out of what I wrote.

Changing of the tides my dear

Apparently I am easily taken advantage of. Last night at the ballet I decided to give one more chance before I unleash the other side of my loving personality. And actually most of the callers are great, there is just one. Not only does she not come in on time, she shows up about twenty minutes late and doesn't call. Okay, now sweat, whatever.

Through out the night everyone is bitching, "No one is answering" "Orem people suck", "Who names their kid Alfred". This is what I hear every night. Makes you go crazy. Especially when one of the girls is fresh off the farm in Texas and has managed to manipulate her voice until it is at the highest possible pitch. My favorite question so far "James Dean. That name sounds familiar. Maybe I know him." Yeah maybe you do. "Um, S, he was an actor, died in a car accident. Ring any bells?" For fucks sake who doesn't know who James Dean is? "Nope. Never heard of him." Kill.Me.Now.

I wanted to go home early, I desperately needed to go home early. So at the beginning of the night I set a very obtainable goal, which no one met. So a few minutes before 8:30 I advise them to pack it up. So what do they all do?? Write 9pm on their time cards. WTF? You think you get a free half hour? "Sabrina lets..." Fuck Sabrina, she does not. Just because I am not in every night doesn't mean I don't know who shit goes down. So tonight... we are staying until the last minute. Fuckers.

I have procrastinated again. My first class starts tomorrow and I have an assignment I need to do. I can't do the assignment until I read the five chapters he assigned. Oh well. I procrastinated quite a lot for my last class and still managed an A. Yep, not an A- an A. Letting the instructor glimpse down my shirt a couple of times seemed to work magic.

BJ is a coming

There is one good way to start out a wet Tuesday morning, hearing the Billy Joel is coming in concert. It made my day, actually my week. I don't care if I end up going alone, I will be there. And I will be one of those freaks that will pay $95 for the floor seats. Realistically that is a great price. You bet your ass that at 10am next Monday I will be online ready to go. I am a freak, welcome to my world.

I agreed to play boss lady at the ballet while Sabrina is in Croatia and Russia. I am really wishing I could take that back now. Yesterday two people called in and one left early because she wasn't feeling well. That left me with four callers and in the 3.5 hours we only managed to get one donation and one sale. This will not due. I think I am going to have to bribe them. I know what is going on. They are thinking that Lindsey's the cool one, she is wicked fun and blah blah blah. Those things are all true, I will not argue it. But for fucks sake, still work people.

I am feeling lonely. It seems that as winter comes people have a tendency to couple up, I swear it is the weather. When it gets cold everyone wants someone to stay warm with. Which is fine. I just am not use to never hearing from certain people. I haven't seen Matt since before I went to Nebraska for the game. Sucky. Then there is Marcus, I haven't seen him in forever... (yes I am publicly calling you out). Most of that is in jest, I just had to poke some fun.

Jeremy is suffocating me. I am either a) way too cynical or b) completely out of it because I can't handle the attention. I think part of it comes from having a low self esteem for so long. I can't handle someone telling me I rock, or that I am beautiful so on so on. It isn't that I don't believe them, it is just that it sounds weird when my ears hear it. And right now, coming from him, it is overwhelming me. I want to sit him down and explain to him that there is such thing as TOO MUCH.

I don't think things between us will work. He is a great guy but... the attraction just isn't there. And I don't think that is shallow. I just don't feel it. And I am not going to force it. It wouldn't be fair to either of us but mostly to him. How is it that I can be the bitchiest girl in the world but hate letting a person down. Seriously, it eats me alive.

Monday morning confusion

I cried a little on Sunday after learning that Nebraska got throttled by the Tigers. I was expecting a loss, we were due, but I wasn't expecting that we wouldn't show up at all. I am now very glad that I didn't watch the game.

So why Lindsey didn't you watch the game (because I know that is the question running through your minds)? Because I had a date of sorts. For reference, I suck at dating. I have never been good at it. I make all of the wrong mistakes, every single time. When I look back on my dating life, save for one semi-normal relationship, I can see every single wrong choice I made. And that fact overwhelms me. It causes me to be over analytical when it comes to pursuing new relationships.

One of the things I pay the most attention to is equal playing fields. I don't like to go into anything knowing that one person is more interested then the other. If it is me that is more interested I feel like I am setting myself up for disappointment. If it is the other person I am often left feeling obligated. It is silly and there is no rhyme or reason for it, it is just part of me.

In this case he is very ahead of me on the playing field. I have known him for going on eight years so there is history there. And I think part of me has known that he has always been interested. And I never was before.

So why am I know? I don't know. I actually can't say for sure that I am. I am treading down a very slippery slope, preparing myself for the fact that I might be doing something that I am going to regret.

Am I settling? Is it because I am so sure of what I want that I am making an exception? Because what I want is so far from my reach that the possibility of it ever happening is so slim.

I don't know yet. That is the complicated answer.

I need to have a conversation with him, sooner rather then later. I have a complicated history. I have major commitment issues, I have intimacy issues... the list goes on and on. Normally when things happen I just do the exact thing that will end any chance for it to move forward.

But I am lonely. I am tired of being a single. I think it is because of the changing weather. I want someone to cuddle with and watch movies. And he is by and far one of the sweetest men I have met in a long while. But there is a line when sweetness can become suffocating and he is entering that territory.

Or maybe it is me that has the issue. Maybe the way he is acting is normal and I just can't handle it. I haven't been in a even mildly healthy relationship since I was twenty. So did I lose my chance? Have I fucked up so much that I am destined to be alone?

My neighbors had their baby this weekend. A tiny perfect little child brought into the world with all of the opportunities still ahead of her. I would give to be there again. How wonderful it would be to have a clear slate, no issues, not past trauma. But then again those issues and trauma make me what I am, give me the personality and the strength that I use each and every day. Would I give that up? Probably not.

Well I think I went on long enough about that. But it did get me thinking, which is good. Now comes the deciding, which isn't half as easy.

I'm a bad blogger

I have been neglecting this. Not that I have a gazillion readers or anything. It is almost a little less fun to post here since on myspace at least I am sure to get amazing comments.

Finally... my first MBA class is finished. I am so emotionally and mentally drained. It is almost impossible to put words together in some meaningful manner. All I really want to do is just sleep, for hours and hours. And I refuse to do anything educational until the start of next week. I'd love to extend that promise for another few weeks but sadly my next class starts Thursday.

I rocked my presentation, which is a surprise. I normally become a bundle of nerves and am unable to do anything other then speed talk through the PowerPoint. Lucky for me that it was the last night of class since instructor perv decided to point out to the whole class how well I did and that they all could learn something from my professional presentation. Thanks ass. Way to go.

I am starting to date again. Sigh. It is scary. Very very scary. I have made such a multitude of mistakes in the last couple of years in regards to romantic interests it is a little overwhelming to be putting myself out there again. I want to believe that I have made the necessary changes but there is a part of me that wonders if I really have. I haven't had much of a relationship since the dissolving of my marriage and I don't know if I am ready yet. I guess the only way to know is to try.

Well loves I am off to bed. I wish I could say it was for a few days.

If I could change one weekend in my life

It would be this weekend. It wasn't that something drastic and life-altering happened. In fact the main thing that I would change is that I would get more homework done. And by more I mean more then the absolute NOTHING that I accomplished during my two solemn days. This is how school has always been for me. In the beginning I have great aspirations, I am committed to doing everything that it takes to get an A. Then somewhere, around the third week or so I lose that commitment. All I do is procrastinate, so badly that it is now Monday and by Wednesday I have to have a ten page Gap Analysis done. Gap Analysis' suck, badly.

I spent some time this weekend to myself, one of my favorite things to do. There are times in every one's life that they just need to escape the dread and disdain. I do this by not functioning at all. Usually this happens to me on Sundays. I didn't move from mid-morning until it was time to go to bed. I could have not moved and worked on my paper, but that would go against what I was accomplishing.

It is during these times of silent reprieve that I focus on where I am at and where it is that I want to be going. So what did I learn? I am NOT where I want to be and I have a long ways to go before I am. Nothing real new there. Yes I am harder on myself then I should be. I have huge expectations for me. It is almost completely to blame on first-child syndrome. Damnit, that is a lie. I have no idea what it is to blame on. The problem with having these grandiose expectations is that when you fall (and believe me, I fall) you fall hard.

But for me, it is better to expect more then to not expect enough. I never want to be complacent. I always want to strive for what is just out of my reach. If I fail, well I fail trying to be better. That can't be so bad.

And now for the bitchfest, since it is Monday and I am feeling it.

To the girl who broke his heart: LEAVE HIM THE FUCK ALONE. You made the mistake and it was a huge one. You fucked up. You are the person to blame. If you want to make him the bad person to make yourself feel better, go ahead and do that, in your head. Put to vocalize this only makes you look like more and more of the bad person.

To the boy who's heart was broken: Don't let her in. One of things I love about you most is your ability to always see the good in people. There are few humans in this world that can so optimistically view their surroundings. I try hard to do this, but I am cynical. I spent years of my life living like this and unfortunately only realized that not all people are inherently good. I still look for the good in people, but after so many attempts I write them off. Unfortunately there are just some people that aren't good. I know it is part of you to want to save them and help them find their hearts, I do that too. But there comes a time when you have to just let go.

On that note I think I will stop.

Oh and I was "this close" to revealing my big little secret this weekend. Luckily I didn't. It hurts to have this secret and want to tell people but the fear of it changing everything in my life is stronger then the desire to share it.